Ninja Academy
by Captain Vulcan
Summary: A previously unreleased collaboration by CaptainSpoon and me. If you're into reality shows and ninjas in general... you might wanna go on ahead and check this out, bud. Yeah, I'm talking to you the guy reading this summary on the screen. Prepare to laugh!
1. The Induction

Ninja Academy. Part 1- The Induction

Outside of the newly opened "Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy", we see a film crew, led by top rated presenter, and co owner of Kusanagi TeleVision, Kyo Kusanagi. the school is located in the arse end of nowhere, in the Japanese countryside. He is here to film a reality show following the trials and tribulations of the first class to take part in this school. Founder and head trainer of the school is Hanzo Hattori, famed ninja master who claims to be an important Japanese historical figure.

Kyo- Here we are, outside of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy! We at KTV are gonna bring you an exclusive look behind the scenes, at the students looking to hone their ninja skills to perfection! We will follow them 24/7 through training, missions and their free time in "Ninja Academy"!

Cameraman- Hey Kyo, here comes the bus. I think it's the students.

Kyo- Here they come, quick! Get that camera facing over there. Hang on, I need to be in this shot too, how's my hair?

A minibus pulls over, and the doors open. A crowd of about thirty ninjas, the people who have enrolled at this academy step out. We won't be following them all, so Kyo orders the camera to pick out the most well known ones, who have been chosen as the show's main subject. The camera gives us a close up shot of a chosen student, and Kyo pushes the mike into their faces as they come.

Kyo- First up, we have the hero of Metro City, Guy! Here to brush up on his abilities, and become a truly worthy hero after being repeatedly ignored by Capcom in favour of Shotoclones! Damn Capcom!

Guy- It's great to be here. I just hope we don't have to do the old fashioned, boring traditional stuff from olden days. Ninjitsu has to move into the 21st century, and I'm the man to do it.

Kyo- Great stuff from Guy there, who I'm sure will make a big impression. Speaking of big impressions, I'm sure all of us men will be pleased to see the next applicant. here she is, the gorgeous Mai Shiranui!

The camera spends quite some time getting close ups of Mai, and slowly examining her perfect body, and famously bouncy boobs. This already boosts the ratings.

Mai- Hi. I joined up to focus my mind on something other than my Andy obsession. I should have listened years ago when the girls said it was a lost cause, so I'm passing the time improving my ninja skills. Boo hoo, why didn't he pay attention to me? (stops crying) And maybe while I'm here, I'll find someone else, better.

Eventually, the cameraman has to be dragged away from Mai's direction to view the next subject. This one is a blonde American, and has brought his pet dog along. it is the other famous Samurai Showdown ninja who isn't Hanzo, Galford D Weiler, along with canine companion Poppy.

Kyo- Galford, good to see you. Tell me, what does the "D" stand for?

Galford- "Dudikoff", I added it in tribute to the guy from the American Ninja movies. It was them which first got me into ninjitsu as a kid. Me and Poppy will use our talents to look good, impress everyone, and go from this show to having my own movie career.

Poppy- Woof! Woof!

Kyo- And here's another lovely looking young lady. The world's only ninja goth, Shiki! Hard to tell which is deadlier, her knives, or her goth poetry. Love the tattoo Shiki, and the different coloured eyes, are they real?

Shiki- No comment. (camera is pushed into her face) Oh all right. I'm here to disprove the myth that goths can't fight. I will be the inspiration for kids in black taking revenge on the popular people and their shallow fashions!

Ibuki- Hi all you cool people watching me at home, hi mum, dad, all my friends, my goldfish, the weird guy who sits behind me in high school... I'm gonna be a ninja! Hey doggy! Aww (hugs Poppy)

Kyo- Uh, yeah, and that's Ibuki. Our youngest applicant this year. As you can see, she's very excited to be here. OK kid, you've had your close up, move along. Hey, what's that police van doing here?

Galford- Whatever it was, I didn't do it. Malin told me she was thirty, how could I guess otherwise? Lots of women in fighting tournaments look younger than they really are, I didn't know she was a teen.

A SWAT truck pulls over next to the minibus. They are, fortunately, not here for Galford, but to bring another student to the academy. This one is evil ninja assassin Eiji Kisagari, enrolled against his will as part of his rehab program. Eiji is marched out at gunpoint by the unpopular riot cop Kurtis Stryker.

Stryker- Move it! Fuck up here, and it's back to prison, and daily kickings! I don't know why the prison therapist decided to send you here!

Eiji- Neither do I, this is crap. I'm gonna get out of here, and take my vengance on the world!

Kyo- Hey, it's Eiji Kisagari! Haven't seen him in a while, hey Eiji, any words for the viewers?

Eiji- Piss off.

Kyo- Right... OK then. (whispers to the cameraman) Can we try and keep the cop out of the footage? Hardly anyone likes this guy, he's a rating killer. Make him stand away in the distance or something.

Stryker- I heard that, you overrated little wuss! (smacks Kyo over the head with his nightstick) Now, I would not have done that if you had been Shiki!

Kyo- OWW! Police brutality! And what's Shiki got to do with it, you law facist?

Stryker- Absoloutely nothing, I just happen to like her.

The SWAT cop leaves, and the students and film crew make their way into the academy's main building. They sit in the hall, where the man himself, Hanzo Hattori stands on a stage in the centre. He wears his usual ninja outfit and mask, and looks at them impassively. Hanzo is a typical head teacher, stern, traditional, occasionally unfair, and likes nothing more than overworking his charges with gruelling lessons. he begins his opening speech, as Kyo's crew film him.

Hanzo- Ladies, gentlemen, and anything else that decided to join up. Welcome to this, the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy. I am honoured to have you as my first students, and also the money you paid up to join.

Guy- Why did you name the academy after the incredibly cute actress from "Azumi"?

Hanzo- Simple. I figured naming it after her, and using her picture on the brochures would bring in more applicants. And by the looks of it, I was right. That is a simple example of a classic ninja mind trick.

Galford- You mean Aya Uteo isn't actually here? Awww...

Mai- You actually fell for it you retard. Ninjas are supposed to be smart.

Hanzo- Quiet! You may all take the time to laugh at Galford when I'm done. But now, I do the talking. This will be a tough course, and I expect many of you to be seriously hurt. Some of you might even quit, like the crybabies you are. I expect only the best from you all, not only to honour the ways of ninjitsu, but also to make a good impression on KTV's "Ninja Academy".

Ibuki- We're gonna be on TV! this is gonna be sooo cool!

Guy- Ibuki, I was kinda wondering. You're just a cute teenage girl, right? You get decent grades, and everyone likes you. What are you doing in here? What possessed you to join up?

Ibuki- It was either this, or double maths lessons at high school.

As Kyo orders his film crew about, Hanzo makes a surprise announcement to the class, and the viewers. nobody saw this one coming. Kyo's face drops when he hears it, and he sits there, equally angry and nervous.

Hanzo- I have made a special arrangement with the head of KTV, Saisyu Kusanagi. Kyo, you will be joining this course, taking part in the lessons, and accompanying us on missions. Getting good shots of us.

Kyo- WHAT? NO WAY! Ninjitsu's dangerous, I could get hurt, I could be disfigured for life, and unable to work in television again! My insurance doesn't cover this!

Eiji- Bad luck Kyo. A sissy like you won't last five minutes here with us.

Mai Will you two keep it down... Oh shit! Look out guys! Duck!

Kyo- Ooh, where? Get a shot of the duck... OWWWIIE!

Eiji- AIIIEEEE!

Angry at people arguing during his speech, and also Kyo's refusal to co operate, the teacher throws a shuriken ninja star at both Kyo and Eiji. Not a fatal shot, but it really does hurt them. Hanzo Hattori will not tolerate any crap from no one.

Kyo- Since you put it that way sir... yeah, I'll take part. I'd like to see Iori Yagami joining in a ninja school. Then we'll see who's the best! I could make this look good, I am the star after all... uh oh!

Galford- What do you mean you're the star?

Poppy- Grrrrr!

Mai- Yeah, this is our show. We paid to be in this class. it's "Ninja Academy" not "Overrated SNK Poster Boy Academy"!

The main students gang up on Kyo and beat him up, before Hanzo (deliberately hesitating, as the beating made good TV) broke it up using a smoke bomb to disperse the crowd. Kyo is wise enough to keep his mouth shut as the head of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy finishes off.

Hanzo- Tonight, you may retire to the dorms, and generally get to know one another, but I warn you, no funny business between the males and the females! And no funny business between people of the same sex while we're at it either! Tommorow morning, at a horribly early time chosen by me, we begin our first day of intense training in the ancient and honourable art of ninjitsu!

Guy- I knew it, he's going on about boring old fogey stuff "Yawn... OWWW!" (gets a shuriken in his arm)

Shiki- Are you done yet sir? I'm falling asleep here, I need a coffee.

Hanzo- A ninja's senses must always be sharp, even without a pick me up.

Galford- Hey baby, Shiki, isn't it? A ninja goth chick, that is so cool. And black is totally your colour.

Hanzo- No flirting during my speech, boy! And you, Princess of Darkness, no leading on idiots!

The head of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy is about to throw shuriken at them both, but is cut off by the late arrival of two new students who weren't on the minibus. They are latecomers, who had hoped to sneak in silently to avoid trouble, which hasn't worked. First is a man who looks suspiciously like Wesley Snipes in Blade, Raven. His companion is red uniformed, red haired, shotoclone ninja Fuuma Kotaro, and both look embarrassed, having turned up like this.

Raven- Uh yeah, sorry we're late guys. We got lost, yeah, that's it. On the moon. And we had to fight off Shadowlaw on the way here. Our names are on the student list, I'm Raven, and this is... uh, thingy.

Fuuma- I'm Fuuma. Hey there Mr Hanzo, I haven't seen you since World Heroes. How's it hanging buddy?

Hanzo- I was NOT in World Heroes, that Hanzo was a fraud! As was proven in my lawsuit against him, you cheap Ryu knock off! My ninja sense tells me you're lying, tell the truth.

Raven- Well, it's like this. On the way, we picked up this totally hot hitchhiking purple haired biker chick. At least that's what we thought she was, but Poison turned out to be a transsexual car thief, with a 8 foot giant bodyguard, and they took our car, our cash and our weed. So we had to walk the rest of the way.

Fuuma- Yeah, and we were hoping that everyone would be in their dorms chilling, so then we could creep in undetected and give you a bullshit story later. But, didn't happen that way.

Kyo- Hey, an Afro American ninja (to Raven) I know you. You're Cyrax, right?

Raven- Do I look like a yellow armoured robot, retard!

Fuuma- Hey, where's Aya Uteo? I wanted to meet her.

Hanzo- Don't you start. We've already been through this.

Fuuma- Well sir, do you think you could magically turn into her... AIIIEEE! (gets a shuriken in the arse)

And so ends the induction of the first class in the "Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy". The students, including the two Johnny come latelys, make their way to the dorms, chatting among themselves, except Eiji who hates everybody. What will day one of their training hold in store for them? Can Kyo cut it, despite having no ninja experience? Find out soon.

I'd like to thank a fellow captain, Captain Vulcan, for the original idea. Go read his stuff if you haven't already, go on! We are writing this fanfic in partnership together. Because of this, updates may sometimes be inconsistent, as fanfic authors have lives too, believe it or not, as well as our own works.

Note- Aya Uteo is an extremely cute Japanese actress, who starred in Azumi, in which she played a young ninja girl. I made Galford's initial "Dudikoff" after American Ninja actor Michael Dudikoff. God, I really need to get out more.


	2. An Eventful First Day

Ninja Academy. Part 2- An Eventful First Day

Four AM, the next day at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, and the students are fast asleep. Dreaming pleasant dreams, with Mai Shiranui starring in many male student's dreams doing things I'm not allowed to describe here. So they are completely unprepared for the ear splittingly loud blast of bagpipes blaring from speakers fitted over each bed. "Highland Bagpipe Favourites Volume 5" proves to be a most unpleasant wake up call to tired ninjas.

Students- Zzzzzzzzz... AAAAAAAAHHHH! NOOOOOOOO!

Galford- What the... Fuck off, I'm sleeping!

Guy- Oh no! Bagpipes! Make it stop, they're horrible!

Shiki- At least have the decency to wake me up with some Nine Inch Nails!

Kyo- No, Mai come back... aw I was just dreaming again.

Poppy- Awooooooooh!

Hanzo- (through speaker) Wakey wakey rise and shine my trainees! You have exactly five minutes to get dressed and meet me outside to begin our morning warm up routine! Stragglers will be hosed down with Sub Zero's finest arctic chilled, refreshing ice cold water.

Raven- It's too early for this crap. Let us sleep some more.

Nanzo- Ninjas must be ready at all times! No excuses!

Four minutes and fifty nine seconds later, they are huddled together outside in the courtyard. Half asleep, it gets worse for them when the heavens open and it rains heavily. Not that rain will stop what Hanzo has in mind for them.

Hanzo- Good morning young people. To begin our event filled day, I thought we'd have a pleasant ten mile trek through the forest before breakfast.

Fuuma- TEN MILES? I can't even count that far!

Ibuki- But it's still dark. We might get lost, injured, or eaten by Blanka.

Galford- Besides, it's raining. My hair'll lose it's shape out here. Look, it's getting wet already.

Kyo- Bad luck guys. Now, I'll wait for my KTV limo, and cruise along beside you, giving world class narration... OWW! (gets the shuriken treatment from the trainer)

Hanzo- All of you. Now move, MOVE! I'll make honourable ninja warriors outta the whole damn lot of ya!

Half a mile outside the facility, trekking slowly through dense, hostile woodland, and it's already proving to be tough going. Pretty much every student has hurt themselves at least once so far. The KTV film crew follow them in an off road vehicle, recording their endurance for viewers at home.

Eiji- ARGH! Who put that stupid tree there? I hate trees, the bastards! Standing there growing with no respect for humanity!

Guy- This is the trees turf man, we're in their world. Whoaah! (slips and falls in a puddle)

Hanzo- Come on you babies, no time to... MAI! You put that umbrella away this instant young lady! I don't care if you use it in KOF winposes, you will endure the rain like everyone else!

Mai- But my outfit will shrink in all this wetness. (male students stare at her with great interest) Hey, why's everyone looking like... YOU PERVERTS!

Galford- Purely out of fairness sir, I demand you make Mai lose the umbrella. It's only fair, right?

Fuuma- Yeah, then we can see some big juicy boobies bouncing about, as she runs in slow motion, Baywatch style... Oops. Wasn't supposed to admit that, was I?

Mai is made to lose the umbrella, and the ninja master decides enough time has been wasted. The trek carries on, but the guys are much more enthusiastic, running while watching Mai's outfit, waiting for it to finally burst. Kyo is too distracted by this, and fails to notice a large hole in the ground, until he falls in. The others, failing to notice Kyo had fallen, ran ahead without him. The top rated presenter of KTV climbs out of the hole.

Kyo- Guys. GUYS! Is Mai naked yet? Hey, they're gone. They've forgotten me, YES! I'm off back to the camp, and going to bed with cocoa, food and my latest copy of "Orochi Babes Uncovered".

Voice- Hand over your valuables, this is a raid!

Kyo- Get a job, beggar! Oh I see, I'm being mugged (feels a hook shaped blade poke him) Gulp!

Four threatening looking individuals surruond him, the leader of who pushes Kyo forward using a pair of hookswords. This is Mavado, trenchcoated Mad Max tribute, and self proclaimed bandit king of wherever he happens to be at any given time. His fellow bandits are huge American football goon Brian Battler, World Heroes's unconvincing Jack the Ripper and stone pillar weilding madman Wan Fu. Now wishing he was still with the class, Kyo is very scared.

Kyo- Do you know who I am? I'm Kyo Kusanagi, top presenter of KTV, and well loved celebrity. I'd just like to inform you that I am part of a ninja academy. I hang out with real life ninjas who love me as a person, and respect me as a presenter.

Mavado- Great, we've got a retard here. Well I'm a top rated evil bandit king, with a regular lifestyle column in "Thug News Weekly". Come on, empty those pockets. Give generously to the "Bandits get loot, to save idiot victim from extinction" fund.

Jack- HEY! I don't remember us becoming a bloody charity... Oh wait, my bad. Boss was being clever again.

Brian- You're the guy from all those shows on KTV? You must have plenty of money for us.

Kyo- Can we get this over with? I'm supposed to be trekking, and Mai Shiranui's losing her clothes right now.

Mavado- WOW, really? In that case we'll make this quick, and go have a look for ourselves. Tell me Kyo, does your cell phone have a camera?

Kyo- Of course it does, it's the best model I'll have you know. Paid good money for this. Why do you ask?

Kyo begins emptying all his pockets for the gang. They make off with his cash, his phone, his jacket, a bag of M&M's, and a photo of Athena Asamiya he secretly keeps in his wallet. After beating him up for the hell of it, they then disappear into the forest, to try and get a sighting of a nude, running Mai. Back with the class, Hanzo is amazed at how fast everyone is going. Not only are the men all running enthusiastically, but Mai has sped off some distance ahead of them, trying to outrun the pervs. Ibuki has hitched a ride on Galford's pet dog Poppy, who easily carries the petite kid. Only Shiki is dragging behind, having stopped.

Hanzo- Come on, almost done, then back for breakfast. Who'd have thought it only took the prospect of an accidental striptease to motivate... SHIKI! If you've stopped to sulk under a tree again I swear...

Shiki- It's not that sir. Where's that stupid TV presenter you made join the class. You know, the self obsessed idiot?

Hanzo- You do have a point, I haven't heard his inane narration to the cameras in a while.

Guy- Let's leave him, we want to complete the excercise. Mai's gone now and her outfit was... uh I mean, we want to keep going to make us better ninjas.

Raven- Yeah sir, we can't leave Mai, we have to watch her. Erm, watch over her, that is. Like good ninja warriors should, in case she gets in trouble. We don't mind about Kyo so much.

Galford- We were doing so well. You wouldn't want us to lose our enthusiasm for the task, would you?

Hanzo decides that they have no choice but to search for Kyo, as he doesn't want legal trouble with KTV president Saisyu Kusanagi. Plus he figures it would make a decent improvised lesson in ninjitsu tracking techniques. When everybody else is out of sight looking for the presenter, a completely naked Mai Shiranui emerges from behind a bush. Blushing, and trying to hide her nudity, her outfit has shrunk in the rain to the size of a serviette, which she has tied pathetically over her crotch, using a vine from the trees.

Mai- Whew, they're gone. Now I've got to get back to camp without anyone (sees a flash from a camera phone) WHAT THE FUCK? Wait, it's Kyo! He's the only one here with a camera phone! Ooh I'm gonna...

Mavado- (hidden in another bush with the gang) Yes! I knew there was a good reason for going out on a raid at this stupid time, in the rain. Even better, she thinks it's the moron we mugged.

Wan Fu- She's turning around, quick! get a butt shot.

After unwittingly modelling for a few more photos, Mai realises there's someone in the bushes spying on her nakedness. She approaches the bush, but the peeping tom bandits step out ready to make her their next victim this morning. Trying to hide her bare breasts and everything else, Mai is really in no position to fight. Fortunately, Guy has found her, and is ready to help her, even if he was only here originally to be the first student to see her naked.

Mavado- Look, no offence Guy, but could you just fuck off. You can wait your turn to be mugged, Mai Shiranui's a far more appealing subject. Especially since she's lost her clothes, so we might be a while.

Guy- Right you degenerate bastards! I'm gonna give you a beating Metro City style! You'll be dropped just like Sodom, Rolento, and all the clone henchmen I had to fight through!

Brian- Yeah right, what do you think we are, generic non boss thugs? Pile in!

With expertise that comes from saving a city from evil, Guy is fighting expertly against Mavado's henchmen, even though it's three to one. After losing individual brawls, the trio attack him together, but the ninja hero uses his Bushin Tornado Kick, spinning into the air booting all three into submission. Unfortunately as he comes down, the leader himself attacks using his hookswords. Not seeing this coming, Guy is caught out, and badly wounded. Mavado is about to kill his helpless opponent, but gets an unpleasant (though also very pleasant) surprise when Mai, in all her naked, perfect bodied glory attacks him.

Mai- DIE! (boots him in the head) Perverted Mel Gibson lookalike! (uses her Ryu En Bu move to engulf the criminal in flames) Now, go away, curl up and die... AAAHH! I'm still naked! (blushes, and tries to hide it)

Guy- Owww! (in his mind) WOW! I got to see Mai naked, this is the greatest thing I have ever seen. Well worth nearly dying for. Aaahhh... it hurts!

Mai- Guy! Thank you for coming to save me! You're so cool, oh my god, you're hurt bad! Let me get you fixed up, then I'll bring you back to camp! I even got the camera phone, you helped save me from international shame, I bet they'd have posted my photos on the internet! (smashes the camera phone)

Guy- (in his mind) The guys will hate me for not having the photos, but I don't care. Mai said I was so cool. She really likes me, who knows where this could go?

Mai- Right, I've found Jack's cloak he wore in pre match intros. I can use strips of this to bangade your wounds, and the rest would cover me up well. Come on. (in her mind) That was so cool what he did, and he seems like a nice guy. But can he replace Andy? (cries uncontrollably remembering Andy) Why did he ignore me? Sob! What's wrong with me? WAAAH!

Back at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, the class all gather in the canteen for breakfast, having found Kyo cowering scared behind a tree. The mood is relaxed, and they talk amongst themselves. Mai and Guy are coming in now, Mai carrying her wounded bleeding classmate.

Kyo- So there I was, faced with a hundred or so bandits. I was fighting them off, actually killed plenty, but then they blasted me with a laser sattelite weapon, and like cowards robbed me while I was unconcious. Hey, it's the others.

Fuuma- God, Guy's so lucky, having her carry him like that, her arms all around him, held so close to that body, those tits... (Mai gives him a threatening look) I'll shut up.

Kyo- I see somebody did a real number on you boy. You should have been like me and just surrendered to the four... Oops! (goes bright red) I mean, bravely fight them off like me.

Everyone else knows that Kyo surrendered to the gang, and are laughing at him. Hanzo comes to inspect the damage, along with another member of his staff. A ninja woman, a bit older than the female students, but incredibly sexy, with a body to rival Mai's, and a skintight red outfit showing off every curve. It is Taki from Soul Calibur, who works as the first aider and therapist for the "Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy". Male students stare admiringly, Mai has decided she doesn't like the nurse.

Taki- Jesus, it's amazing you've survived! You're cut up pretty badly. Hanzo, he's going to need full rest in the first aid room to recover. I'll get you healed up good as new kid, just you wait.

Hanzo- If you really have to Taki, you know I hate students missing lessons. (to Guy) Don't worry, she's a top first aider. Very good with her hands. And so gentle too.

Taki- HEY! (slaps the head)

Mai- (whispering in Taki's ear) Listen slut. I know what you nurses are like, seducing the men, then moving on to your next target when you've had your fun. Just see that you don't get too close to him, and keep your hands where they should be. Or I'll have Shiki murder you, OK? Not that me and him are an item, you know.

Kyo- Look, I'm cut up pretty bad too. It's my finger, I might not make it. You'll have to give me some tender loving care too Taki. (his finger is slightly grazed)

Taking only the genuinely wounded Guy, Taki leaves to begin his treatment program. The rest of the class then get back to their breakfast and small talk, continuing to get to know their fellow ninjas.

Ibuki- Hey Eiji. So tell me, what did you do to go to jail?

Eiji- Well, let's see, I've spat into the wind, written a very dirty fanfic featuring me and King, set fire to Bao's hat, fooled around with someone named Benimaru. Oh, and the attempted murder of the Sakazaki family, are those bad?

Ibuki- Yeah, but that's OK. So, wanna be my friend? We'll have so much fun, we'd make a great team you and me, what do you say?

Eiji- You seem like the persistent type, and it wouldn't hurt to have a friend. So yeah.

Ibuki- YAAY! This is so cool, I've got a real life felon as my buddy!

Everyone else watches amazed at the unlikely friendship that has formed between an innocent, bubbly teenage girl, and a maniac who hates most people. He's even sharing a bag of sweets with her, not poisoned or anything, just normal, friendly type stuff.

Shiki- Is that girl right in the head? He's a killer.

Fuuma- Since they have an unlikely friendship, do you think us two could go further. You're so sexy when you're miserable, which is pretty much all the time. I could... (Shiki punches him) AIIIEEEEE!

Galford- So Raven, Fuuma, tell us your stories. Why did you sign up for ninja school? Since you didn't arrive with us.

Raven- I got stoned one night, and had the munchies. As usual in these situations, I went for a nice bowl of cereal, this one had a competition to win a place here. For a joke, I entered.

Mai- What did you have to do to win?

Raven- Write, in not more than 2000 words, why you want to be in ninja academy. So I wrote, "Because it looks quite good". Don't ask me how, but that turned out to be the winning entrant. So here I am.

Fuuma- I'm sick of people seeing me and thinking "Shotoclone". I will show the world there's more to me than ripping off stupid karate fighters! I'm a ninja, my Dragon Punch comes with an actual Dragon aura, that move should be mine! Plus the women here are hot. Mai, Shiki, Taki, (looking at Ibuki) Thingy...

Later that day, after their rest, the class, with the exception of Guy, is taken outside again, to another area of the camp. At the far end, are wooden firing range targets, each with a photo of dull, worthless shotoclone Ryu as the bullseye. Each student is handed a small bag of shuriken throwing stars by Hanzo.

Hanzo- Alright you fuck ups! Now, you learn one of the most famous and important skills in ninjitsu! The ancient art of shuriken throwing. Oh yes, used correctly, these tiny little stars can be fatal. Assuming you morons get it right. A silent and deadly way to take out an enemy.

Galford- What, you mean like a really eggy fart, an SBD... OWW! (gets a shuriken in the leg)

Hanzo- This is an aquirred skill, and I fully expect each of you to aquirre it here. Even the airheaded TV presenter. Now get going!

Kyo- Which airhead TV presenter? Am I getting a co star? Is she cute? Anyway, (to the camera) this is Kyo Kusanagi, ready to show these guys what projectile throwing's all about. Gonna nail that "I have the purpose and personality of a digestive biscuit" shotoclone who always gets billed as my rival.

Mai- Shurikens suck. I prefer throwing ninja fans. Guy and Cody used to throw knives. Now those are real ways to take someone down.

The throwing star session begins, and no student comes near to hitting the mark on their first shots. A disappointed Hanzo berates the most hopeless of his charges.

Hanzo- Raven, that was crap! You missed by about eight feet. If that Ryu was real, and he had any sort of personality, he'd laugh at you! (sees Ibuki throwing underarm, causing her shuriken to fly into the sky) You throw like a girl!

Ibuki- I am a girl! (her shuriken hits a passing light aircraft's vital components, bringing it down) Oopsie.

Hanzo- Well I believe in equality for the sexes! SHIKI! What in the name of Orochi are you doing? This is shuriken practice, you're not supposed to teleport to the target and knife it to death!

Shiki- (Stab! Slash!) That is what I think of you, boring personality vacuum and unworthy main hero! The only man more wooden and dull than this target! (Skewer! Slice! Surgically Mutilate!)... Oh, right. Sorry sir, got carried away.

Hanzo- Uh, moving on... What the? EIJI! No throwing shuriken into Kyo's back at point blank range!

Eiji- What, I'm hitting my fucking target, aren't I?

Hanzo- The target's over there. The wooden thing with Ryu's picture on it.

Eiji- Sir, you misunderstand. I hit MY target.

Hanzo- Listen here, any more out of you, and you'll be back doing life, picking up soap for Ignis in the prison showers! Though that said, I must compliement your flawless throwing technique.

The lesson continues, and the students are now getting the hang of it. Partly inspired by the idea of murdering photographs of Capcom's cardboard poster boy. Even Kyo hits him right between the eyes, the man he is ashamed to have constantly pushed as his SNK VS Capcom rival. Having their limelight, and in some cases deserved spots in crossover games taken up by such a joke of a creation gives their shuriken throwing a real killer instinct.

Hanzo- YES! You're learning, by God, you're getting there! Teach that blank slate template of a man that his Shotoclone karate is worthless against your ninjitsu, and most other styles for that matter!

Galford- Bullseye! Now Poppy, you know what to do? GO!

Poppy- GRRRR! ROWWWL! (charges at the target, and rips at the Ryu picture with teeth and claws)

Shiki- Hey, nice touch Galford. You're pretty good blondie. Tear him apart Poppy!

Fuuma- I'll show everyone I'm more than you've ever been! All these years, and you still suck Ryu!

Kyo- I am your superior Ryu! You are not worthy to be my rival, not even worthy of licking Iori's shoes!

Ibuki- This is for hogging the limelight in the SF3 series, so us new characters didn't get the exposure we deserved! And reducing my buddy Sean to becoming a Dan style joke in 3rd Impact!

The ninja star lesson ends in a success, and the Ryu pictures are in shreds from the bladed little stars being thrown enthusiastically into them. Now inside the building and doing their own thing, Mai comes across the first aid room. Relaxing chill out music plays, and through the window, the silhoette of Taki's perfectly rounded arse can be seen as she bends over tending to Guy. Getting the wrong idea, Mai kicks the door and storms in.

Mai- Right! Caught you at it you shameless hussy! Oh, he's still got his clothes on, nothing going on. My bad, sorry, I'm going now, carry on. (whispers) But I still hate you, and I bet your boobs are fake.

Taki- Mai. I'm trying to get your friend all healed up, not seduce him. I'm giving him anasthetic, see? Besides, I always thought Andy Bogard was your obsession.

Mai- There's nothing going on between me and Guy, I'm just concerned for... ANDY? Oh why couldn't he love me? Am I ugly? BOO HOO!

Taki- Calm down Mai. I'm also a therapist if you want to talk about that. Come in later and tell me all your problems. I won't laugh or tell you to pull yourself together. I'm listening.

Mai- Really? OK, hey maybe you're not a scheming seductress after all. Friends?

Guy- (in his head) Damn, I was hoping for a catfight... (anasthetic kicks in) Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

With Mai calmed down, we end another day at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy. Hanzo is busy in his office coming up with more tests of endurance for his students to make them real ninja warriors. The students meanwhile are busy with the important task of hanging out and chilling with each other.

What difficult tests will our students face next in their quest to become the greatest ninjitsu fighters? What else will stand in their way to ninja greatness? Will Mai ever get over her Andy obsession?

I'd like to thank both Ninjitsuwolf and Shura, for their nice comments about the work so far, and also their suggestions. I am sure we will, between me and my fellow Captain that more students based on your suggestions will be added. Captain Vulcan will be doing the next chapter, take it away Vulcan!


	3. Field Training: The Forgotten Village

Ninja Academy

Chapter 3 Field Training: The Forgotten Village. Watch Your Step

Mai sits on a recliner in Taki's office. The younger ninja agreed to go through a therapist session. While Mai talks about her personal meaning of love, her past, and some other things, we soon learn some very interesting things about Andy.

Taki: Poor guy. He really don't know what he's missing out on.

Mai: You can say that again. He rather do push-ups for the remaining of the night than to sleep with me.

Taki: It's either that he's intimidated of you or he's trying to be a gentleman.

Mai: Or he could be gay. I've been suspecting that lately...

Taki: If he is, then there's no surprise then. From the way you explain how he constantly grooms himself and flips his hair it is a very high possibility.

Mai: Nah, couldn't have been. There were rumors that he slept with some blonde Bushin chick named Maki and then there was that time he constantly made passes at Athena.

Taki: Right. So he's still sort of hard to tell.

Mai: Yeah, I guess. I mean I used to joke on him, saying he's gay and he doesn't react to it. Other times I call him that he gets angry. He's a mixed up kind of guy... (burst out crying) WAH! He is so confusing!

Taki: You're telling me. (Notices Kyo entering her office, a sly smile on his face) What do you want now?

Kyo: Umm, I have an injury, remember. My finger's grazed. Can you treat me?

Taki: Such immaturity. (Hands him a bandage) Here. Knock yourself out. It will take care of that.

Kyo: Aww... (Exits the room)

Taki: Now where were we? (Raven's head appears at the window). Can I help you, Blade?

Raven: I've been having such a pounding headache today. Can you get rid of it somehow?

Taki: I have just the thing for that. Just a sec (Pulls a giant mallet from the dresser). Hold still...

Raven: What? AHH! (Taki knocks the hell out of him with the weapon).

Taki: That takes care of that.

Mai: Wow. Men stalk after you too? I hate that.

Taki: Yeah. Everyday is the same thing. Most men just care about a pretty face, ass, and titties. It gets tiring really. (Fuuma tries to come quietly through the door but he accidentally steps on a mine bomb set by Taki) **BOOM! **Maybe we should end this session, huh?

Mai: Good idea.

Back at the dorms. Most of the students 'eagerly' awaits in the lobby for today's next training. Ibuki and Eiji were playing BlackJack. Galford was busy trying to get Shiki to talk to him, and Kyo, Raven, along with a charcoaled Fuuma returns to the dorm in great disappointment.

Ibuki: Hey guys. What's up with the long faces?

Kyo: The goddess of a therapist won't treat my finger wound.

Raven: She busted my head with a mallet.

Fuuma: There was a mine bomb underneath the welcome map. So that explains why I'm pitch black right now. Damn her! She must think that this is Super Smash Bros. or something.

Eiji: You crash dummies got what you deserved.

Ibuki: Aw. That's too bad (realizes she can win the game) Hey! I have 21!

Eiji: Shit... I never win at BlackJack. If you wasn't for the fact that you're my only friend I'll murder you in cold blood.

Ibuki: That's my boy Eiji. He always has a vivid imagination. He'll make a good fanfic writer.

Kyo: If anyone needs me, I'll be back in my room and trying to catch up on my sleep. (Leaves)

Raven: Me too. There's no telling what Hanzo's crazy ass have on his mind for our next exercise. (Leaves as well)

Fuuma: I'm off too. I'll be enjoying hentai pics of Janne and Ryoko... Doh! Wasn't suppose to say that aloud. (Mai enters the dorm) Or, I'll try my hardest to get into Mai's drawers! (Gets hit by one of her ninja fans) OWW!

Mai: In your dreams, weirdo.

Fuuma: Speaking of that, you always let me have my way with you in my dreams.

Mai: Ew! Forget I said that.

Ibuki: So Mai, how's Guy doing? Is he going to be okay?

Mai: Yeah. He's going to make it just fine. (Mentally) Maybe I should try to be friends with him? He does seems to appreciate me and he did help me dispose those thugs. I bet if we get real close then... hehehehehe... Andy's going to be jealous. Yes! That'll teach the possible gay bastard! (Chuckles evilly)

Ibuki: Okay... Maybe I should leave you alone.

Eiji: Typical kunoichi... they're all crazy in the head.

Ibuki: HEY!

Mai: (confused) Uh... what's a kunoichi?

Ibuki: (Slaps her forehead).

Eiji: Told you.

Hanzo suddenly enters the dorm, alerting every one. The ninja master have indeed scheduled advanced training for the students. To everyone's dismay, he has a announcements.

Hanzo: Okay you maggots! It's time for our next session. And this is one of my favorites: Field Training. You guys, along with some new students gets to go an actual village that is set by tons of traps, secret pathways, and other feudal hocus pocus stuff. This is where it gets interesting: today's rules are Survival of The Fittest. Meaning that you can really hurt someone just in case you encounter them. However... NO Fatalities. I don't need another lawsuit you know.

Eiji: Damn. Honestly Hanzo, you taking out a lot of fun.

Hanzo: Yeah, yeah, I know. Now let's go you lazy egg rolls!

Several minutes later, miles away from the academy, Hanzo leads the students to an actual village deep in a valley. Though there are no people living here, it is the next step in their training. The village is swarming with booby traps, dividing roads, and secret pathways like he said. Five of the new students he mentioned are already deep within the village.

Hanzo: Ah, here we are. This village is where our next assignment takes place.

Ibuki: Cool! It's an exact replica of a feudal village. This is going to be a lot of fun!

Hanzo: Right. Indeed it will be. You guys already know the rules, Survival of The Fittest and reach the goal. Taki will be there in case anyone gets to fucked up too badly during the training.

Kyo: Taki? I'm there! (Zooms off) See ya!

Raven: Yeah! (Takes off as well)

Fuuma: She's mine! You know she's too much woman for you two. (Follows)

Galford: Okay Poppy, you know what time it is. (Disappears in a poof of smoke)

Eiji: ... (Poof)

Shiki: Men...

Ibuki: Sad, isn't it?

Mai: Honestly, I don't know what they see in her?

Hanzo: A whole lot of... Alright little missies, you know what to do. Anyway, I bet you the men are going to catch hell in the village.

Mai: Here goes nothing. (Sprints ahead)

Ibuki: Yes sir! Uh, can Shiki and I team up for this assignment?

Hanzo: ...What the hell-- Go ahead.

Ibuki: YEAH! C'mon Shiki!

Shiki: Oh joy...

More minutes later, and deep in the village, Kyo walks around in the middle of a street, talking into his crew on a tiny microphone. The arrogant bastard thinks that this will be a piece of cake, but he's in for a huge surprise.

Kyo: Okay, I'm deep inside the village. No real difficulties encountered as of yet. There was bear traps, ditches, and traps that shoots arrows, but I'm having a real cakewalk here. No problem! Is this really what it takes to be a ninja? (Notices a brunette with a short skirt around a corner) HEY! What do we have here?

Woman: This is so hard... Can you help me, sexy?

Kyo (grinning): Help you? I'll do more than just help you!

Woman: I like that. C'mere then.

Kyo: Shit, this is my lucky day. (Turns off his mic) Time to get some kunoichi booty.

Woman: Hehehehe...

The now swooning poster boy approaches the woman, slowly, but surely. While she is giggling seductively, she secretly pulls out a weapon to knock out the fool.

Woman: Don't be scared, baby. I won't bite. Closer... just a bit closer...

Kyo: Yeah, I'm gonna take it nice and slow.

Woman: C'mon... (Raises a giant sledge hammer to smash him with) Ha! You fool! Thinking with your hormones will be your downfall! Kunoichi power, baby! (Genuinely noticing the man) Huh?... ? ACK! It's you!

Kyo (shaking off stupor): Yuki? What the hell you're doing here! And what's up with the skirt?

Yuki: (blushes) Uh... I always wanted to be a ninja.

Kyo: But ninjitsu's too dangerous for you!

Yuki: Hell, I'll manage! Besides, I signed up for this school in order to learn to defend myself. It's not like you gonna do anything to save me next time someone tries to rob us, when the Orochi's try to kidnap me again... or when the Mad Gear Gang decides to kidnap me again. Remember when they did that last time...

Kyo: Oh. (Goes bright red) Those guys were tough. Dangerous looking, and had weapons...

Yuki: You're just a punk! I made fools of them! I knocked em down like dominoes and crushed them! Some boyfriend you are! (Smashes Kyo with giant hammer)

Kyo: OWW! You bitch... (Goes unconscious)

Yuki: Humph. Serves you right. Hmm, now I gotta find a way out of here. Maybe I can-- AAIIEE! (turns around and now saw a dart on the left cheek of her arse, and the person who shot it). Kurenai, you're a cheater!

Kurenai, the sexy nineteen year old main character from Red Ninja appears on top of a pagoda. She is entirely not too pleased at what Yuki tried to do to Kyo just now...

Kurenai: That's what you get for using my seduction technique... (shoots her in the right cheek with a blowgun) and for trying to steal my image.

Yuki: You bitch... ZZZzzzzzz... (falls asleep)

Elsewhere, Eiji leaps from tree to tree, dodging traps with ease in a huge, dense forest. He is trekking throughout the area with ease, that is, until he senses another presence.

Eiji: Now what is it? Whoever it is trying to follow me better back down. Or you'll be sorry. (A mechanical falcon suddenly appears out of nowhere and tries to swoop down on him) What the hell-- since when Nakoruru decided to become a ninja?

Voice: You are incorrect, heathen.

Eiji: So it's not Nakoruru. Damn, it was such an opportunity. (A huge mechanical panther charges at him) Another mecha animal? Someone's been watching way too many episodes of Voltron.

Emerging from behind a tree, was Capcom's cyber ninja-boy, Strider Hiryu. He is also one of the new students Hanzo referred to along with Kurenai. The android confronts him.

Strider: And? What's wrong with watching Voltron? It's certainly better than the most of the bullshit anime they show today. What do you have now: alternant dimensions, stupid love triangles, emotionless and unappreciative main characters, jailbait bimbo schoolgirls that are way too young that take on such dangers...

Eiji: You got problems. And I thought I have problems here.

Strider: You hypocrite. EN GRADE! (Pulls out his sword and charges at Eiji. But before he can make it to him, he steps on a mine bomb) KA-BOOM! UUURRGG!

Eiji: The nerd. The village isn't the only thing that have traps. (Proceeds and sets more mines)

Let's see how Raven is fairing shall we? The said ninja was currently walking along a lone dirt road up in the hills. He heard an explosion in the distance, but he can't be concerned about that. He continues his trek throughout the hills.

Raven: Heh. Some unfortunate fool been blow to smithereens. I bet it's that Fuuma idiot. (Hears a familiar creepy sound heard on Friday The 13th movies) Oh boy, looks like I'm finally gonna have to drop someone.

: Chechecheche... hahahahaha...

Raven: Listen whoever it is, I'm no victim so you better back off! Do so now before something bad happens to ya!

: Chee...Che... Chee... Che... Haha... ha... haaa...

Raven: Please. Be original you bastard. You should be ashamed even to mimic a classic.

Mortal Kombat's hellhound ninja, Scorpion rises from the ground like a demon from hell. He definitely doesn't like what Raven said.

Raven: Scorpion, huh?

Scorpion: WHAT YOU SAY BOY? **GET OVER HERE! **(Throws harpoon)

Raven: Uh oh! (Gets plugged by harpoon) Ow! The pain...

Scorpion: **COME HERE! **(Draws Raven in and pulls off mask when he closes in)

Raven: This will definitely hurt. Shit! A skull head? I now know where I'm going. I knew I should of stop saying "I'll see you in hell" when I win matches.

Fortunately, Scorpion steps on yet another mine, activating it. Unfortunately, both of them was blown flying through the skies, and it hurts like hell.

Raven: Damn it! I'm getting tired of these mines.

Meanwhile, inside a temple, Shiki and Ibuki are actually the closest people to reaching the goal. Inside the temple are numerous paintings ranging from ancient Japanese art to lost abstract art, one example being the lamest fighting tournament in history, Sega's Eternal Champion.

Ibuki: Aw man. This place is really creepy. Let's keep going.

Shiki: I agree.

Ibuki: Right. (looks at various paintings of animals) How cute! Lions, tigers, and bears. Ooh, and there's a blonde ninja too. How strange.

Shiki: That's not a painting. (Blushes) It's Galford.

Galford: Hey guys, it's good to know that I'm not the only one that's still in one piece. Listen, I know we suppose to beat the hell out of each other when we meet but I refuse to fight cute chicks like you two. Maybe we should team up and get out of here. I have a feeling we're nearing the goal. Whad'ya say, huh?

Ibuki: I'm down. How about you, Shiki?

Shiki: (Staring at Galford and still blushing) Ah... umm...

Galford: I take that as a yes.

Ibuki: Right. Lets go.

The three continues their way to the goal throughout the creepy temple. But there is one more obstacle that obstructs them... and this, it has nothing to do with mine bombs. Remember the part when Hanzo said the village having hocus pocus stuff? Well, the temple is cursed and two paintings of giant white tigers sprang to life from the wall.

Galford: Oh no! Vicious man-eating tigers! Go Poppy. (Poppy cowers) That's okay you scary wuss of a mutt.

Ibuki: Aw! They're so cute! But these guys will eat the shit out of you!

Tigers: ROAR!

Ibuki: AAIIEE! What are we going to do?

Galford: I have a gun on me but Nakoruru will definitely not like me if I hurt animals...

Shiki (Jealous): What? Nakoruru? That goody two shoes. (Looking at tigers) Lemme handle this.

Ibuki: Do we have a choice?

Shiki: Okay. Here goes. Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

Miraculously, the two beast became ultra docile and friendly. They stop roaring and growling and approached Shiki like two baby kittens. She sweet talks them and pats them on the head.

Shiki: Aw, such sweet babies. You guys are being so good. Here, have these. (Hands them a bag of T-Bone steaks she stolen from the canteen). You guys are not nearly as vicious as you look.

Galford: How?

Ibuki: Did you manage to tame two giant tigers that can quite possibly fuck up a little woman such as yourself? And treating them like babies while you at it?

Shiki: Simple: I always like cats and cats always like me.

Galford: Good. Let's find that goal.

Shiki: Okay. (To tigers) Okay guys, mommy have to leave now. Enjoy your steaks.

Oh! And let's not forget Mai. I knew most people will be disappointed if I didn't wrote more about her trails. The bouncy ninja girl is running deep in the forest-- alone. After several minutes of this, she decides to take a break and sits at the shore of a lake. She looks around the scenery while thinking about her relationship with Andy and quite possibly one with Guy.

Mai: That damn Andy. Taki did made me realize something about him though. He's going to hate if I ever decides to get with Guy. (Sees a sign) Hey, I wonder what this sign say.

She approaches the sign and reads it. The sign was actually a warning. It warns anyone that comes near the lake that it is cursed and it is of a mystical nature. Mai scoffs at this.

Mai: Yeah right! If this is indeed a cursed lake then I'm that unsexy spoiled brat, Karin Kanzuki. (Reads some more) Beware! If you doubt the powers of the lake then prepare to face your personal dark side and perhaps your worst fear.

Voice: Oh, Mai...

Mai: What now. (Turns around and sees a waterspout at the lake) What the! ACK! A waterspout! What is that coming out of it though?

Mai watches on and soon enough, a figure indeed came out of the waterspout. To her horror, it was an image of herself, with dark clothes and short cut hair. What scares her the most is the fact that this side of her could be an even better look for her.

Mai: Yikes! It's me! (Studies her "dark" side) Hmm. Wow! I AM sexy! Look at the rack on me! And... uh oh... are my thighs really that big? I gotta stop eating those Twinkies. And what's up with the short hair and dark clothes?

Evil Mai: I am your darker self-- your future look.

Mai: You're funny, you know that? I personally really can't picture myself with short hair. I look sort of like Akane from Ranma 1/2, except I have a far better body.

Evil Mai: Amusing. But now is the time we battle. Prepare yourself, inferior me! (Does a Shin version of Ryu En Buu, of course, with annoying, evil purple flames).

Mai: (Dodges) AHH! Hey! You're really trying to hurt me are you?

Evil Mai: Of course! Didn't you read the sign?

Mai: Yeah, I did and... uh oh.

Evil Mai: Ha ha. You've guessed it, sister. I'm the darker side.

Mai: If you're my dark side then what is one of my greatest fears then?

Fuuma comes into the scene, with grazes and scratches on him but okay. He suddenly notices that he's all alone with two Mai's and he is VERY happy to see them.

Fuuma: Alright. Must be my lucky day because I'm hot for both of you.

Mai: Him? Horny and alone with me? That IS scary! Gotta go! (scrams)

Fuuma: Oh? So you wanna play hard to get huh? You know you want this. (Chases Mai)

Evil Mai: Hey! You can't abandon our battle! Come back here! (Follows)

Mai: Leave me alone! WAAAAH!

Meanwhile at the goal, Hanzo and Taki waits patiently for any of the students to reach them. Taki is worried for their safety, Hanzo is disappointed.

Taki: Maybe this was a bad idea.

Hanzo: You're joking right? C'mon, this is child's play (hears another explosion). There goes another one. What a bunch of failures.

Taki: Well, on the good side, it is Friday. After today's trials they are allowed liberty, Hanzo.

Hanzo: WHAT? (Skims through ninja handbook) Darn. You're right. They are free on the weekends. But time Monday comes around again, it's nothing but grueling trails and only four hours of sleep per night.

Taki: Oh well. (Sees Shiki, Ibuki, and Galford reaching them) Hey, they made it!

Galford: Too easy.

Ibuki: Piece of cake!

Shiki: ...

Hanzo: Well, next week is going to be hell for you guys. But for now, once everyone gets here, you're all free for the weekend. There's a shuttle scheduled to take you out tonight.

Galford: Cool. Finally I can get to see Japanese nightlife.

Ibuki: Haven't been to the mall in a while. I'm gonna shop till I drop! (Hears another explosion) Ooh...

Taki: Are the others really that clumsy. I mean, c'mon, mines are the oldest tricks in the book.

Hanzo: See you Monday. (Does the creepy chuckle from SS2) I'll promise you it'll be a living hell. (Disappears)

Galford: Well. Gotta make the best of the weekend then.

Note: Kurenai is the heroine from recent Animaga and videogame entitled, Red Ninja. She uses a wire that was used by enemy force to hang her, ironically, for vengeance. I bet they wished she died on that tree though...

NEXT CHAPTER:

Guy recovers, the groups goes out to a mall, and the female ninjas get challenged to a spar with the ultimate tag team: a wannabe sumo schoolgirl and a massively strong Orochi vixen with a half hidden face. And, Galford and Ibuki gets drunk off of 'Orochi's Blood'. Uh oh... dark clothing anyone?


	4. Rest & Relaxation, Yeah Right!

Ninja Academy. Part 4- Rest and Relaxation, Yeah Right!

Friday night, after their tough training session in the village, the students of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy have been shuttled out of the camp and into the local city to enjoy their weekend. They are taken to stay in a large, mansion with all the latest luxuries for their comfort and convenience.

Galford- Oh wow! This place is amazing! We got a cinema screen TV with built in DVD player and surround sound here.

Ibuki- You guys should check out our rooms. Four poster beds with electric heated blankets.

Fuuma- All this place needs to be perfect is a French maid named Shermie to... HEY! (sees Shermie in a small, tight French maid's outfit) We have got one, hi Shermie. This is officially the greatest house ever.

Shermie- Hi everyone. I'm Shermie, and I'll be you servant during your weekend. KTV have asked me to ensure that your needs are seen to and that your stay here is a pleasant one. If everyone would like to come to the dining room, I have your dinner ready.

Kyo- Are you going to serve my EVERY need? You know, like... (Yuki smacks him) OWW! Bitch.

They follow the sexy maid with her too tight outfit and too short skirt to the table, where their dinner awaits them. After a very nice three course meal and drinks, all served to them by Shermie complete with much bending over, they relax in the living room watching movies and reading the instructions Hanzo gave them.

Guy- It says here... (reading) Enjoy yourselves while you can, come Monday morning, you're mine! Have fun, don't do anything to embarrass the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, stay out of trouble, and keep your clothes on in public.

Fuuma- Aww man. I was gonna do a streak in the park to impress Mai.

Mai- And why would that impress me? (Fuuma's face drops, he hadn't thought of that) It's not like you're Andy or... WAAAHH! Why can't all men be Andy Bogard? SOB!

Kurenai- Here we go again, calm down Mai. Look at the TV, look at Johnny Cage there in just a tight pair of shorts and his shades. Mmmmm. Yummy.

Scorpion- I really hate that jumped up pretty boy. He should be dead, DEAD! Burning in Hell for eternity! How come I'm ressurected as a spectre, while he had his death overwritten as a hoax? It isn't fucking fair!

Yuki- You're just jealous because he kicked you're arse in that movie "Cage Goes to the Netherrealm". And got to make out with Vice afterwards.

Shiki- Tell you guys who I don't trust. That maid.

Raven- How can you not trust her? She's perfect. Amazing body, sexy French accent, skimpy maid's outfit.

Kyo- Plus I think she likes me. She called me a very talented presenter during dinner, thinks I'm cute, and laughed at my joke about the sailor and the barrel, even though I messed the punchline up.

Shiki- That proves there's something wrong with her. Plus, if she's genuine, why has she got that oversized Beatles mop hairdo covering her eyes. The eyes, they're guilty, I bet you.

Raven- Typical goth, always spiteful towards other, better looking women not afraid to flaunt what they got.

Shermie- Hi everyone. Who wants cookies? I'll bring them to you. Leave everything, I'll clean up when you're in bed. I don't have to worry about people breaking in, not when I've got highly skilled, deadly ninjas protecting me, isn't that right? (strokes Fuuma's hair)

Kyo- (to camera) This is Kyo Kusanagi, top rated presenter, signing off. Goodnight.

Three hours later, and practically everyone is in bed. Their maid Shermie is still up, and so is Shiki, trying to prove her suspicions. She sees the maid speaking on a phone, the conversation sounds very suspicious, like she's in on something bad. Two minutes of eavesdropping later, and Shiki strikes.

Shermie- ...Yeah, they're here ma'am. They're putty in our hands, they'll be caught totally by surprise. I'm taking them to the mall tomorrow, we strike then just as you planned... Bye ma'am... (Shiki prods her with a knife) Oh shit!

Shiki- And what was that all about? What have you got planned, you shameless little whore! Come on, confess... HUH! (is grabbed from behind, in a very tight bearhug) AAAAAHHH!

Hinako- Some ninja you are, didn't see little me, the lady of the house coming for ya! A goth, huh? I hate goths. And I know how to deal with antisocial, geeky types like you. Shermie, fetch the high school locker.

Hinako keeps hold of her victim, squeezing the life out of her until she passes out. Shermie drags along a large, school locker. The big kind you see in American schools. The kind that, as seen in many a dumb teen high school show, nerds and others not considered cool get shoved inside and locked in. This is exactly what happens to Shiki, who is forced in, as she was many times during her school days. For added discomfort, they threw in a heap of old, sweaty gym clothing before locking the door. Whatever it is they have planned, it is clear now that Hinako is the ringleader. This is her house, and Shermie is her servant.

Hinako- That's one out of the way. This time tomorrow, I'll have crushed those hopeless ninja wannabes. Humiliated on their own show, this'll teach them. How dare KTV axe "At Home With Hinako" for this crap!

Shermie- Lucky for you, your shitty show only got fifteen viewers ma'am. Otherwise the student's might have realised this was your house, and something was up.

Hinako- That's right... SHUT UP! Do as your told! This plan has to be perfect. Now, get on the phone to Mavado. I'm relying on your affair with him to pay his gang less than usual. I'll show these peasants.

Next morning, after a lovely long sleep and breakfast in bed, the other students are being limo driven by Shermie to the mall. As before, Hinako remains behind the scenes, and with Shiki also hidden away, no one suspects that their maid is up to something malicious.

Raven- At last, free time. Yes, I'm gonna enjoy every minute of this.

Galford- By the way, did anyone happen to see Shiki this morning?

Shermie- Oh, the goth... uh, she's not coming. Said something about not believing in designer stores and brand names. Heh heh, typical goth, probably sulking somewhere to write a crap poem that doesn't rhyme.

Yuki- Oh, right. Well, she can be a miserable cow.

Strider- If she wants to miss out on this, that's fine. Come on guys, we're here. Let's go hit the stores. Last one in's a Bao!

Like hyperactive children, the class run into the mall, a huge shopping complex with stores of every kind. Inside, they split up into small groups and hit the shops. When they're out of sight, their French maid makes her way to a dark, quiet corner in the car park to meet her employer. Also here are the bandits from the forest hike, Mavado, Brian Battler, Wan Fu and Jack the Ripper. Goons hired by Hinako for this task.

Shermie- OK ma'am, they're inside. No, they still suspect nothing, not even the missing goth. Everything's ready for the next stage of "Operation: Destroy Ninja Academy".

Mavado- We attacked the real KTV crew meant to pick the students up last night. They're out of the way.

Hinako- Excellent. Soon, that prime time 9pm TV slot will be mine once more! The world will experience me in all my upper class, aristocratic glory. I'm especially going to enjoy destroying the female students. How dare they allow themselves to be considered more popular and better looking than me! They're peasants!

Mavado- But they are all better looking than you. No offence, but sumo and granny pants are a real turn off.

Wan Fu- Plus Shermie's much sexier, and far more popular than you as well. Especially in that maid outfit.

Hinako- SHUT UP! Bridget Jones wore granny pants, and she did just fine! And Shermie's different, she works for me. If we ignore the fact that I pay her wages to wait on me hand and foot, I practically own her. Now can we get a fucking move on and destroy the class, please? You all know what to do I take it?

Inside a music and video store, Guy, Kurenai and Strider are searching through the DVD section, looking for movies to watch during free time. Opposite them, Galford and Ibuki are in a designer clothes store picking out new clothes, which Ibuki already has bags of.

Guy- Let's see now, "Tetris: The Live Action Movie" shit. "Mario Enters The Princess's Tunnel"... hmm, Mario porn!

Kurenai- Hey, a Johnny Cage six DVD boxset... and it comes with a life size cardboard cutout of the man!

Strider- Scorpion's gonna go ballistic if he sees that. I'm gonna go look at the games. Hope they have the Max Payne/Final Fantasy crossover. I heard that Max gets into a love triangle with Tifa and Lulu.

At the other side of the store, the hi tech futuristic ninja goes to check out the new videogame releases. Four suspicious looking individuals dressed in sercurity guard uniforms surround him. His friends and classmates cannot see this, if Guy could, he would recognise them as the bandits who hassled them before. They've singled out the ninja on his own, and beyond help from his comerades.

Mavado- Well well, what have we here? A dirty little shoplifter, huh!

Brian- Trying to make off with "Max Payne 3: Payne's Final Fantasy" I see!

Strider- Come on guys, I didn't... I've got money you retards. Piss off, or I'll file a lawsuit.

Wan Fu- Ooh, he's resisting arrest. No more Mr Nice Mall Cop! Let's take him to the sercurity office, and give him a brutal beating!

Strider- You can't do this, I'm innocent! I'm a ninja, my classmates might not be able to help me, but I still have my mecha animals! Get 'em boys!

Jack- Guess again boy. (opens his clawed hand, to reveal wires and circuits removed from the robots) These claws are pretty cool for opening up your metal toys and removing vital parts inside.

The thuggish quartet take their victim, still unseen by his friends to the back room for the inevitable beating that will follow. Other customers think he's just a shoplifter getting what he richly deserves. In the mall control room, the evil, snobby little cow and her maid get the report that another ninja has been taken out. She already plotted the next step of her devious plan to eliminate the rivals to "At Home With Hinako".

Hinako- Yes, it's going well! Soon, all of those filthy low class ninjas will fall, and with them their reality TV show. I knew buying this mall would pay off one day. Now, for my next trick, I'm going to need a sample of your Orochi blood Shermie. Gimme your arm, this is gonna hurt like a bitch.

Shermie- How much blood are we talking ma'am? This wasn't in the contract! AIIEEE... uhhhhh.

Hinako sticks an oversixed medical syringe into the maid's arm, removing about a pint of blood. Shermie faints from blood loss, while Hinako wheels in a trolley with small plastic cups on it. Filling each glass with the demonic blood, she then adds fruit juice to them to make them taste appealing. Disguised as a free sample girl, Hinako wheels her trolley through the mall, stopping when she sees Ibuki and Galford.

Galford- This is great. I just wish Shiki was here too. I think she'd like the black shirt I picked up.

Ibuki- Hey look, it's a free sample girl. And she's got nice looking drinks. I am thirsty after all that shopping. I'll take one.

Hinako- Go on, they're free. Great new drink, which, uh, we haven't named yet. Fruit juice mixed with secret ingredients, look at the yummy redness. You have one too Mister, go on.

Galford- Yeah, I'll give it a go. (downs a cupful in one go) What the... AARGHH! GAAAHH!

Ibuki- I feel like... AAAHHHH! RRRRRHH!

Like Orochi Leona and Iori in KOF 97, the two ninjas are now berserk, mindless Orochi zombies in a Blood riot. Fuelled only by rage, which is made far worse at the sight of blood. Rather conveniently, Hinako is in possession of a small sample of blood taken from Strider Hiryu's assault. Seeing a group of the ninja students sitting at the food court, she throws the blood all over them, before running away. As the students are engaged in watching Scorpion and Raven in a burger eating contest, they fail to see their possessed friends until it is too late. By magic, Galford and Ibuki's clothes have also gotten darker than usual.

Kyo- Come on Raven my man! You're... What the fuck? (Ibuki slashes at his belly) OWWIEEE!

Mai- Hey, where'd you get the darker outfits? And what's up with... GAAAKK! (Galford chokes her)

Scorpion- I'm the token rage fuelled demonic... AAAAHH! (is double teamed by the Orochi ninjas)

Five minutes later, still yelling their heads off in incoherent anger, the Blood Riot crazed Ibuki and Galford leave Scorpion, Raven, Kyo and Mai injured and bloodied after a frenzied attack. On his own, Eiji sneaked into the mall control room, his intentions being to shut down cameras and shoplift unseen. The unwilling reformee ninja is very surprised to see their supposed hired maid hiding in here.

Eiji- Right, let's just disable these... Shermie? What are you doing here? Well you listen to me, you won't stop me turning off these cameras and making off with freebies!

Shermie- I wouldn't dream of disrupting your crimes. Such a ruthless villain like you, I wouldn't dare. (sees Hinako coming behind Eiji, out of his sight) In fact, bad guys REALLY turn me on. Do me right here, right now, but leave the cameras on. We can film it. (lies seductively on a desk)

Eiji- Uh... of course. It's only natural us villains make women hot, everyone likes a bit of rough. Come to daddy baby... WHOAH! (is picked up and thrown against a wall) Urgh! My head!

Hinako- Hello disgusting peasant! I'm Lady Hinako, Baroness of Sumo, Duchess of Granny Pants, and brains behind this whole operation.

Eiji- What fucking operation... GUURKHH! URRKK!

Shermie grabs the ninja's neck in a sleeper to soften him up, before suplexing him into the ground, her sexiness hiding Orochi enhanced strength. While she does this, her boss climbs up on the desk, and dives arse first into Ejiji's head.

Eiji- AAAAAHHH! Eww, granny pants! Couldn't you do this the other way round and have the maid drive her much nicer, thong clad butt into my face instead.? OWWW... (loses conciousness to a kick in the head)

Hinako- HOW DARE YOU! (kicks her victim repeatedly) You will acknowledge me and my oversized underwear as superior to Shermie and all others. THEY ALL WILL! (sees Yuki and Kurenai through a camera) Shermie, lure those two to the basement. Now is the time for me to utterly crush those inferior female specimens under my expensive designer shoe!

Shermie- Ma'am? Why do I always have to be the bait? It's demeaning, this wasn't in my contract ma'am.

Hinako- The role suits you perfectly. I mastermind the operations. You're a bimbo, I use your sexy curves and cute, compliant persona to distract peasants before I destroy them. You will obey me without question!

As the French Orochi maid follows her instructions, Hinako takes the beat up Eiji to the hippy craft store. There, Mavado and his goons are guarding students they've already defeated, and are currently busy torturing Fuuma with the "caught shoplifter" routine. Sitting locked in a small back room are Kyo, Scorpion, Mai, Raven and Strider most badly beaten up and in a daze.

Mavado- Did you have to pick THIS place for us to hide them away in? I hate hippy craft shops... OWW! (his head hits low hanging windchimes)

Hinako- It's ideal. Dark, smells dodgy, with Genesis music playing, meaning no one ever comes inside. Anyway, I better go, I have weak examples of the female gender to destroy.

Brian- Huh, oh right. (whispering when she leaves) Just because she's kinda dumpy compared to most fighting women and girls. Ha ha. (everyone else, goons and students laughs with him)

Hinako- I'm surrounded by neanderthals! I bet those goons only learnt to walk upright this morning!

Down in the basement, it is empty, apart from a wrestling ring for some bizzarre reason which shall be revealed. Kurenai and Yuki are led inside, suspicious, but not knowing the truth about Shermie. After a minute, they are surprised to see Hinako enter the ring over the ropes carrying a steel chair. She smacks this over Yuki's head, while her maid grabs Kurenai. Hinako holds the chair in front of the Red Ninja's head, for Shermie to ram the victim into it face first.

Hinako- Ladies, Gentelmen, and I suppose, peasants as well! Have we got an exciting, hardcore bout for you tonight! Introducing first, two silly little girls who's crappy show is taking the place of the beloved "At Home With Hinako"! And their opponent tonight, accompanied by her servant Shermie, make some noise and declare yourselves unworthy for... LADY HINAKO! (splashes the floored Yuki in the belly)

Kurenai- OWWIEE! What the fuck's going on? Didn't you used to have a crappy TV show, rated in reveiws as "a shamless excuse for Hinako to celebrate the fact she's a mean, stupid parasite with tons of cash"?

Hinako- I am better than you dirty peasants! Die you man seducing bitch! I know what you're like Kurenai!

The angry aristocrat lifts her much sexier opponent off the ground, and powerslams her back into the mat. Shermie follows this with her knee drop move into Kurenai's stomach. Yuki tries to step in to help, but the maid overpowers her, and lifts Kyo's on/off girlfriend over her head with ease. This sets her up while Hinako climbs the top rope, and leaps off, granny pant wearing butt first. The painful move connects into Yuki's head, knocking her out of Shermie's arms, and to the ground nearly flattened.

While two of his friends get battered about, Guy searches the mall, wondering what became of the others. He is getting desperate to find somebody, but all he's seen are shoppers who look like they were victims of an Orochi onslaught. Metro City's finest is surprised by a horrible smell of old sweat, which he finds is coming from Shiki, now free from the gym locker. Also with her, wearing a KTV crewman shirt is Andy Bogard, brother to the Legendary Wolf, lust object of Mai and winner of "Nicest Beat Em Up Hair 1992".

Guy- Shiki! I am so glad to see you! No offence, but I'll be gladder still if you'd had a shower first.

Shiki- Don't blame me. That bimbo whore maid and her dumpy little master Hinako shoved me inside a school locker with sweaty jockstraps and skiddy underwear. Revenge is the only answer!

Andy- Hi, Andy Bogard, head of crew for "Ninja Academy". I was the man supposed to meet your class, but Mavado's mob attacked me. Don't tell me you guys weren't just a little suspicious? Do you think KTV would have included a luxury mansion and sexy, obedient little maid in their budget for you? Yeah right.

Guy- Anyone would have been caught out by that. Just look at Shermie, so hot and seemingly innocent... Uhh, OK so Shiki wasn't fooled. Can we just go save our class and kick bad guy arse!

Andy- That's exactly what I've been wanting to hear. We checked the cameras, most are hidden in the hippy craft shop. Shiki, you go down to the basement and help Yuki and Kurenai, they'll need it. If those thugs have hurt Mai, or they're thinking perverse thoughts about her I'll...

Guy- (in his mind) Damn it, why did he have to come back! Just when I was getting somewhere with Mai...

Shiki stealthily makes her way to the basement, while Andy and Guy agree to charge heroically into the hippy craft shop. Inside, they engage the goons in battle, made difficult for both sides by constantly hitting their heads on dreamcatchers and shit hanging from the ceiling, plus the darkness and incense.

Mai- ANDY! GUY! Wait a minute... which one am I meant to be more pleased to see? This is so complicated.

Mavado- Just give up. You know one on one, I can take either of you second rate hero wannabes!

Guy- That might be true, but we're all ninjas. And ninjas aren't held back by fair fighting.

Mavado- What's that meant to... (Guy and Andy free their friends, now all looking for payback) SHIT!

Jack- G...guys... Nine of them, four of us? We're screwed man, screwed! AAIIEE! (gets fireballed by Andy)

Raven- Everybody pile in! Don't hold back! Stomp them!

The ninja trainees enthusiastically give the gang a taste of their own medicine, and a chance to show off their more powerful special moves. The thugs do not stand a chance, with students attacking them in a rage to rival an Orochi Blood Riot. With Mavado's crew having been made short work of, we now cut to the wrestling ring in the basement. Kurenai and Yuki have been laid out onto a wooden table by Shermie, for Hinako to leap off the top ropes, and smash both of the more attractive girls right through.

Hinako- OH YES! I rule, I am your superior! Admit it! Admit that I am your Queen, that "At Home With Hinako" is way better than your trashy program, and that you are nothing to me!

Yuki- Go to hell! Everyone loves us ninja girls more, even I'm superior to you, and I've never fought in KOF!

Hinako- Well, I can take my time on you bitches. Shermie, fetch me a glass of ice cold Austrian mineral water in a crystal glass. Have it brought on a tray of the finest silver. And be quick about it too.

Shermie- Very good ma'am. You enjoy taking out your insecurites and inferiority complex on those girls. Like you do to me, by employing a far more popular and sexy woman than you as your virtual slave.

Hinako- Believe me, I will... I DO NOT HAVE AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX! I AM A GODDESS!

Shermie leaves to carry out her employer's request, unaware that Shiki is lying in wait. The goth drags her into a dark corner by her twin ponytails, knife held threateningly against the front of her eye hiding mop hairdo. Fearful of a scalping, and her face being revealed to the world, the strong Orochi servant is now a whimpering, terrified mess, unable to fight back against Shiki. A roll of industrial strength packing tape is used to tie Shermie up, way too tightly to allow her to break free, even with her strength.

Shiki- Gotcha, bitch! Either you give in quietly, or I scalp you. I'm kinda curious what your stupid hair's hiding anyway. A horrible birthmark, a monobrow, a "Skins" tattoo, milk bottle glasses perhaps?

Shermie- Not the hair, please? No one must see my eyes, ever. I've actually forgotten what's so terrible behind there, but believe me, it must be bad. I had four years therapy to put it out of my mind.

Shiki- You've got real issues, you know that. I'll have that tray, ooh silver. I love silver. Now to shut you up.

More tape is used to gag the servant, preventing her from warning Hinako, and the bound maid is shoved into a cleaning cupboard. In the ring, Hinako is ranting away at how great she is, and getting angry over her maid supposedly slacking off. She is ringing a loud, annoying little bell to call Shermie. Therefore, she doesn't suspect a thing, until she feels a heavy, well crafted silver tray smash into her head from Shiki. As the evil snob staggers, dazed, Kurenai and Yuki seize the moment, and relish the chance for vengance.

Kurenai- We got you now, bitch!

Yuki-Let's see if this snob bleeds blue!

Hinako- Owww... uh oh! Come on sisters, don't hurt me! Us girls stick together, huh! AAAAHH!

Struggling up, they double chokeslam their opponent into the mat, then drive her head into a turnbuckle. Hinako is then laid out on the floor, with Yuki holding a steel chair against her head. Leaping into the air, her sexy tag team partner crashes down with a very painful legdrop, onto the chair, and into their tormentor's skull. They then leave, to reunite with their friends in the mall courtyard, and Mai is talking to Andy.

Mai- ANDY! Why did you turn up here! I did this to get over my hopeless crush on you!

Andy- Hopeless crush, I, uhh, really don't know what you're talking about. (goes bright red) Honest... We'll discuss this later, but first, I have the sudden urge to take this horrible itchy KTV shirt off.

Mai- Don't you ignore... (Andy is now shirtless) WOW! OHMYGOD! Have you been working out, you look even more studly than normal? I didn't think that was possible... (little hearts appear in her eyes)

Guy- Mai, hello! Earth to Mai! Can you hear me? Is that a dumb question? Come on Mai, talk to me.

Mai- (in her mind) Aww, but Guy's a hunk too, and he pays much more attention to me. If only I had the money to pay NESTS to splice their DNA for the perfect man... (out loud) OH CRAP! Orochi ninjas!

The frenzied, Blood Riot affected Galford and Ibuki make a return, now uncontrollable at the patches of blood covering their friends. They leap like wolves, with murder in their minds. The students are helpless, but... Ibuki and Galford fall to the floor, fast asleep, nearly comatose. Having sampled only a little Orochi blood, the effects do not last very long on them, and they both lie, sleeping their berserker rampage off.

Galford+Ibuki- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Strider- Whew, that was close. Think we might be able to finally relax now?

Scorpion- Oh great, just fucking great. That's my whole Saturday ruined now, after all this stuff.

Kyo- We were supposed to be enjoying R and R.

With what was supposed to be the best day of their weekend spoiled, and exhausted from all this, they spent a very lazy Sunday doing nothing, but wonder what Hanzo next has in store for them when they get back to the training camp. What will their next lessons consist of? What else will they have to overcome in their quest to become the world's greatest ninja warriors? Find out soon.

Very big thanks to Ninjitsuwolf for the idea of introducing Andy Bogard to the story, making Mai's life more difficult. I plan to keep him around, a love triangle perhaps? Who knows.

I hope I did a good job with Captain Vulcan's setup for this chapter, I think I covered everything. I'm honestly not crazy about either Hinako or Shermie, but hope I did them justice. Could have been worse I guess, like Bao and Kobra (urgh, what a thought). I used Hinako's rich kid persona to turn her into a nasty piece of work. Sorry Hinako fans, I had fun doing this with her.

Note- I had a scene with Hanzo and Taki planned, which was dropped for space. This chapter ended up much longer than I thought, and is mainly centred around the students in time off anyway.


	5. Lessons From A Legend, Tales Of Sorceror

Ninja Academy. Part 5- Lessons From A Legend, Tales Of A Sorceror.

The students of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy are on their break from training. KTV head of crew Andy Bogard is busy in Taki's office, fixing one of the cameras. Mai is with him, both excited and annoyed at having the object of her affections here in the camp.

Mai- Why did you have to turn up? Signing up for this is my thing, MINE! I came here to get over my infatuation with you. (in her mind) Oh, I hope I wasn't too harsh on Andy baby.

Andy- I, uh, I don't know what you mean, infatuation? Heh heh. (blushes, traffic light red) I'm only fixing cameras for your show.

Taki- Since you're both here together, it'd be really interesting to have you two together for a session...

Mai- NO WAY! Andy's MINE! And I'm not sharing him, so get the ideas of threesomes out of your head!

Taki- Not a threesome, you sex crazed bimbo. A therapy session, discussing your emotons and all that crap.

Andy- Don't you call Mai a sex crazed bimbo! This isn't "KOF S(h)itcom Hell"! God I hate that show.

Outside of the office, Kyo, Fuuma and Ibuki are eavesdropping, peering through the small door window. They cannot hear every word that is said, or see them clearly, so have jumped to the wrong conclusions.

Fuuma- They're gonna have a threesome! I've gotta see this, maybe they'll let me join in and...

Kyo- Some guys get all the luck. How does he do it, he's boring? And now he has both Mai AND Taki.

Ibuki- Hang on, they're sitting down. I'm not sure, but I don't think you can do it while sitting on a chair with your clothes on. Is it possible?

Inside, Taki has Mai and Andy seated in front of her. She will now begin an impromtu therapy session to find out what makes these two tick, particularly Andy. It is obvious to everyone who knows him that he is crazy in love with Mai, despite his half hearted denials.

Taki- What I don't understand about you Andy is why you don't just admit that you love Mai. It's obvious just looking at you, blushing and struggling to speak any time she's around.

Mai- You mean he likes me? Then why do you pretend to ignore me, and act all scared when I ask you to come on a date, or perform a striptease in front of you for no reason? What about my three year love letter campaign?

Andy- You wrote those! How? They were all signed by Athena! They were all spelt correctly, you suck at spelling. No wonder Athena got all confused when I hit on her all those times.

Mai- I signed them in her name, and had King help me with spelling... And when exactly did you hit on Athena? Why have cheeseburger, when you can have steak, steak being me of course. Not literally. I mean, what about that Maki girl you went with one time? What was that about?

Andy- Uhh, I didn't think you knew about that. I really thought it was you at the time. It was the same time you were experimenting with a blonde dye job.

Mai- Don't remind me about my blonde moment, please. You should have known that red kunoichi outfits look far nicer on my perfectly formed body than on that tomboy.

Andy- It's an easy mistake to make. But how do you explain the time when, after a night that made the Kama Sutra look like Sesame Street, you turned into an evil, soul stealing, shapeshifting, male Oriental sorceror?

Both Mai and Taki burst out laughing at this idea. Mai then tries to remember whether she's ever been an evil, soul stealing, shapeshifting, male Oriental sorceror, but realises she hasn't. Taki catches on to what happened to Andy, having once had a similar experience, only Mai wasn't involved with hers.

Taki- Andy, that was Shang Tsung. Morphing sorceror and tabloid favourite. His hobby is to transform into someone's greatest fantasy, and next morning reveal his true self as the press catch you at it.

Andy- Shang Tsung, EWWWW! YUCK! I'm gonna go disinfect myself now. Then I've gotta try and get him out of my head... OWW! What the hell? Mai, why are you hitting me... ARGH! STOP!

Mai- (hitting Andy's skull repeatedly with a heavy book) Get out of my precious Andy's head you foul man! Don't you worry Andy my love, I'm gonna drive the Shang Man outta your pretty head...

Taki- Mai, he's not sitting in there literally you know. Calm down.

Mai- Oh right... I just beat up my Andy! WAAH! Hey, but Andy was thinking it was me the whole time. That means I'm his ultimate fantasy! HOORAY... (is surprised to see Guy in the office) HUH? Oh, hi Guy. You look nice today.

Guy has never liked Andy being involved with the academy, especially coming back. He was potentially getting somewhere with Mai, who he has fallen hard for. Mai herself is divided between these two. The idiots listening in outside had told him they were engaged in a threesome, and he felt it was time now to put a stop to what he thought was their seduction of Mai.

Guy- You make me sick Andy. You ignore Mai for years, then turn up and fucking seduce both her AND Taki. I gave Mai attention and only wanted her, and you...

Andy, Mai, Taki- WHAT?

Mai- I'm not Shang Tsung, I swear! (Guy looks scared and confused) Wait, you weren't talking about that were you Guy. Forget you heard that please.

Guy- You mean you weren't... I'm gonna kill Fuuma! He said you were having a threesome.

Taki- You're not going to kill Fuuma, because I am! Is there anything else you want Guy?

Guy- Uh, sorry. But, since I'm here, and freaked out by the idea of you in a threesome, with one of you possibly being Shang Tsung, can I have some therapy too?

Mai- (in her mind) Aww, now I'm all confused. Torn between two stud muffins who obviously worship me. My brain hurts now, this isn't fair. If the Mormons weren't so boring, I'd join up then morally I could have both Andy and Guy. Wait, is it Mormons?

The whole session has now become a lot more complex. Taki can tell Mai and Guy have developed feelings for each other since joining the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy. Outside, the eavesdropping continues, and they have still totally missed the point. Other students have come to join and see what's going on.

Fuuma- Shit! Now they let Guy join in, this isn't fair. It's an orgy now.

Ibuki- I'm not sure it is sex you know. I've never done it, but there was no sitting down fully dressed involved when I saw Kurenai in the dorms last night with Billy Kane, Benimaru Nikaido, Christie Monteiro and an evil, soul stealing, shapeshifting, male Oriental sorceror.

Kurenai- (whispers) What do you know about last night Ibuki! If you know ANYTHING, can you please tell me, 'cause I don't remember inviting Shang Tsung along. Who did he originally come as?

Strider- I think that's really disgusting Kurenai, in your dorm as well...

Kurenai- Strider, seriously. I'm not in the mood for a fucking moral lecture.

Strider- I mean, how selfish can you get, inviting Christie Monteiro here for an orgy, and not letting me join in! I'm crazy about the booty shakin' Brazillian, you knew that.

Kyo- I suggested getting another girl, Athena, involved to Yuki a few times, and she went berserk! Prude.

Yuki- I heard that, boy! And you weren't exactly responsive to my idea of letting Iori join in.

Hanzo- WHAT are you freaks of nature doing? break time for you is OVER! It ended 0.001 of a minute ago! NOW BACK TO WORK! You have a special seminar to attend, GO! GO! GO!

Raven- But sir, it's getting good. Listen, they're talking about threesomes, then Guy came in and...

Hanzo- I have been listening. True ninja warriors eavesdrop undetected, with the aid of ancient skills, and modern bugging devices. It's really not what you guys are thinking. Anyway, move along, nothing to see here. We'd better leave them in with her, KTV viewers love the therapy sessions.

Raven- Awwww... You've ruined the fantasy now.

Hanzo- By the way, can anyone explain why four half dressed figures of seen climbing out of the girls dorm window at five AM? One female, two male, and the other seemed to change between both genders.

Kurenai- (looking guilty) Uh, Perhaps they were obsessed fans of our TV show sir, looking to get autographs. Anyway, we'd best be going now.

A little later, most of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy's students are seated in the main hall, for a special seminar. Legendary ninja veteran Joe Musashi, star of Sega's rock hard Shinobi series is here to give a presentation, both for the students and the viewing public's benefit. He hasn't even started yet, and already reluctant student and "Ninja Academy" host Kyo Kusanagi is confused.

Kyo- Wait, where's Joe Higashi? Who's the old fart in white? He don't look like a goofy mooning muay thai champ. That is not the guy who kicked my arse in the last tournament, purely 'cause I was ill, you know.

Ibuki- You retard, it's Joe Musashi. The Shinobi ninja who used to blow himself up. The guy who destroyed the Neo Zeed organisation.

Eiji- Why would Joe Higashi come here. He has about as much connection to ninjitsu as I do to the Phsyco Soldiers team.

Raven- What, you mean Joe Higashi once attacked a ninjitsu camp, and left it's students half dead?

Eiji- Oh yeah, completely forgot about what I did to Athena's crew. That's that comparison knackered then... Hope Stryker doesn't watch this. The cops didn't get me for that one.

Hanzo- SILENCE! That's enough about stupid kickboxers! Now is the time to learn the secrets of ninjitsu! And we have a very distinguished guest with us today. Here to share with you some knowledge from his years of experience, show all due respect to Mr Joe Musashi!

The audience all cheer and clap, as the Shinobi legend takes centre stage. Kyo carefully hides his "Death to Joe" shirt he put beforehand on beleiving Mr Higashi to be the guest. Behind Mr Musashi, is a large TV screen, where video footage of his career will be shown at certain points.

Joe Musashi- Good morning ladies, gentlemen and any other species we may have here. What a great looking group of legendary ninjas in the making we have here. (pointing at Kyo) Except that guy, not sure about him. (class laughs) I'll also be taking your questions, of which I'm sure you have many.

Galford- I got a question Joe sir, can I call you Joe? Anyway, how did you end up fighting Spiderman, Godzilla and a poor imitation of Batman?

Joe Musashi- It was promotional thing, an effort by Neo Zeed to appeal to wannabe criminals around the world by hiring them. That Bat Monster thing was brought in last minute after the real Batman pulled out. He thought he'd be the main star. This is before the days of crossover games, you understand.

Galford- But why in the Western versions was Godzilla changed to a crappy no name skeleton dinosaur?

Joe Musashi- They didn't think anyone in the West would appreciate the Big G's appearance. Probably thought you were all too stupid to know who he was

Shiki- Me next sir. The Russian dancing crawl thingie you used to do. What was that all about?

Joe Musashi- Not only was that a useful manouveur to escape harm and crawl though small spaces, but it also proved very useful in combat. So illogical is performing a Cossack dance in the middle of battle for no reason, that the enemies mind simply blanks it out, making you invisible to them.

Shiki- In what way? Prove it, show us.

A video is shown of Joe Mushashi battling self proclaimed bandit king and semi regular botherer of our students Mavado. The Mad Max tribute act saw the ageing veteran as an easy target, until the Russian dancing began. The sight of a white uniformed ninja doing this leaves him staring blankly in confusion, with no idea how to react. Joe is going at the Cossack crawl move non stop.

Mavado- What's going on. Why's the senile old fart dancing? Is this like that crusty old Sega Michael Jackson game, and I'm meant to join in before exploding? Would someone please explain this situation to me, preferably using simple words and nothing too technical.

Joe Musashi- Ah ha, you see my ancient ninja Russian dance trick. You're tiny criminal mind is completely flummoxed, you have no idea what is going on, do you boy. Oh yes, I can still show you young 'uns a thing or two. Your hookswords and bungee things are no match for me. Ha ha!

Mavado- Screw this, I can't handle this right now, I'm going home. Just my luck that today all my potential victims have been lunatics? It's no fun mugging crazies. At least when Christie Montiero started dancing, I could happily watch for hours. Especially when she accidentally burst out of her bra while spinning about.

In the audience, our students remain unconvinced about the benefits of mid battle Cossack dancing.

Eiji- That was complete shit! You got lucky that one time sir. I think I'll pass on learning that particular skill... ARGH!

Kurenai- That was kinda stupid. But then I suppose an old geezer like you can't distract people by seduction like I do... OWW!

Strider- Next time anyone sees Mavado, could they ask him if he got the Christie wardrobe malfunction moment on film? Let it be known that I will pay good money to own a copy.

Both hecklers, and Strider get a shuriken thrown at them courtesy of Joe Musashi, which shuts them up. Another question now from Fuuma gets things moving again.

Fuuma- Joe, do you know Hibana from Nightshade. You're both being Sega ninjas. Do you think you could hook me up with her, I love that skintight spandex she wears, really enhances the shape of her... OWW!

Joe Musashi- Eat shuriken, freak! How dare you think that about my daughter!

Fuuma- Your daughter? No way, she's far too sexy to be related to you... OWWIIEE! Not again...

An hour or so after the seminar finishes, the students are taken to a special building owned by the academy. It is an old disused twenty floor tower block, crumbling, surrounded by garbage and smelling suspiciously of piss. The building is quite high, and rather inconveniently, the lift is broken and the staircase has fallen apart too. This is intentional for their next lesson, as they stand at the bottom of the empty staircase.

Hanzo- Okay you clowns! I apologise in advance for the smell, it was like this when I bought it. As you can see, the staircase is non existant, and the lift is busted. You're task is to reach the top of the building...

Scorpion- That's easy! (throws his harpoon upwards, grappling hook style, but it is cut by Joe Musashi) WHAT THE FUCK? I'm so gonna...

Joe Musashi- As Hanzo was about to say, you must use the wall spring technique to get up there. Observe.

With seemingly no effort, the ageing ninja legend leaps up, pushing himself from one wall of the staircase to the other. He keeps this up until he successfully reaches the top of the building. What he doesn't tell anyone is that, due to not being as young as he used to be, his back now really hurts.

Guy- You have gotta be kidding me. He's old, and he's putting us to shame.

Hanzo- If an old geezer like him can do it, then you have no excuse do you. Now fucking move! And NO teleporting!

Yuki- But it's really high, and the pissy smell is distracting.

Raven- Mai should be good at this, her body's soft and bouncy... OWW! (Andy smacks him)

Kyo is first to try, but fails at the first jump, and falls on his face. Next up, Ibuki smacks her head against the wall after misjudging her jump. Shiki is making progress until she notices Fuuma looking up her skirt, causing her to "accidentally" jump feet first on top of him. Other students follow suit, failing the jump, and before long there is a heap of fallen students in varying degrees of pain lying in a pile on top of one another.

Galford- I can't feel my legs! How am I supposed to jump now?

Fuuma- Oww, I think I broke something... hey, at least my head's in a soft place. Who's boobs are these? Whoever these breasts belong to, could they please not get up for a while longer.

Kurenai- Eww, get off! Oh Fuuma, did I ever tell you that I'm not actually Kurenai. I am in fact Shang Tsung in disguise? I'm just morphed into a cute, sexy ninja girl to steal your soul.

Fuuma- What, Shang Tsung? AIIIIIEEEEE! It's him, he's coming back to steal my soul! Run for your lives everyone, Kurenai's an evil, shapeshifting, soul stealing male Oriental sorecror! AAAAHH! Why is it that whenever I meet a nice girl I actually have a chance with, she turns out to be the Shang Man! (runs off)

Hanzo- I don't see much wall leaping going on! MOVE IT!

The students all make further attempts to scale the building using only wall springing techniques. This time, they are learning from past mistakes, and making real progress with the task. Eventually, most of the students have made it up to the top, though a hatch to the roof where Joe Musashi awaits them. Only Fuuma is still down at the bottom, shivering in fear, curled up into a little ball.

Hanzo- FUUMA! What is your malfunction boy... Wait, don't answer that, we could fill a phone book with your malfunctions. Why aren't you up on that roof? Even Kyo made it after thirty eight failed attempts!

Fuuma- I'm not scared of the jump, but Shang Tsung's up there, waiting for me sir. He's disguised as a girl, and looking to steal my soul. I only narrowly escaped him before when he seduced me disguised as Cammy.

Hanzo- Too much information there kid. I'll book you a session with Taki when we get back.

Back on the Shang Tsung free rooftop, the students are shocked to discover their next task. Demonstrated by the Shinobi, they must leap from the rooftop onto another one opposite them, with about a hundred feet distance. Joe Musashi makes it easily, which does nothing to ease the nerves of the watching students. After all, they are twenty stories high.

Shiki- Did you see the old guy jump? Is he suicidal? That drop would kill us. Who's going first?

Joe Musashi- Come on you wusses! Jump you big girls blouses! Honestly, if an old man like me can do it... (whispers) Ooh, there goes my knees.

Raven- How about you go first Scorpion. You've died before, it's OK for you, you're undead.

Scorpion- Why don't you go first? It's only fair that you get to experience death at least once in your life. You might even get lucky and join the afterlife VIP club.

Strider- The afterlife VIP club? What's that?

Galford- You've never heard of it. It's an exclusive, members only club of fighters who have repeatedly died and come back to life as normal. Right now, it consists of Geese Howard, Charlie and Johnny Cage.

Kyo- You bunch of sissies? I'll show you how it's done. Watch the master at work here.

Eiji- Yeah, Kyo should go, I mean, it's only you for fuck's sake. Who's gonna care if you die?

Confidently, Kyo struts to the edge of the rooftop, playing it up for the watching cameras. So caught up is he in the showing off, he takes a step too far and plummets seemingly to his doom. Unlike old cartoons, there is no walking on the air back to the roof, so he falls screaming, until at the last second, Fuuma leaps up high into the air to catch his buddy before he hits the ground.

Fuuma- Gotcha! Did you guys see me make the save, who da man, Fuuma da man! Whoah... OWW! (falls onto the ground, squashed by Kyo) Kyo, you could really stand to lose a few pounds. I'm telling Yuki to start your diet again.

Kyo- Aww man... (sees the students on the roof laughing at him) Rescued by Fuuma, and back on the lettuce and cracker diet.

Back on the roof, Andy is next to try the jump. He too fails, but manages to hang onto a ledge, saving himself from death. Like an expert acrobat, Mai lowers herself down, using the long skirt bit of her outfit as a grappling hook, and the others pull them up. Ibuki is next, and perhaps as a result of being the smallest ninja student, suceeds in making the leap to the other side, where Joe Musashi sits on a comfy armchair waiting for them. The Shinobi legend has coffee, cakes and a copy of Retro Gamer magazine.

Strider- YAY! Go Ibuki! We can do this gang, we'll show the Shinobi man we're worthy of being great ninjas!

Strider is next to attempt the leap. He too makes it, but not due to his fancy futuristic technology. Instead, his long scarf was opened out, and he floated through the wind. Their confidence is now growing, with friends having completed the task, and they are far more eager to jump. Through ninja skill, unrivalled agility, and perhaps more than a little luck, they eventually all make the stupidly long jump. Even Kyo and Fuuma gather their wits and come back for another go. Soon, all students are gathered on the roof of the other building, where both Hanzo and Joe Musashi await them.

Hanzo- Congratulations, another task completed. You learned much about ninja agility and more importantly, to never be afraid. Even in the face of certain death, ninjas must be calm and cool, never. Big wussies do not last long in the dangerous world of a heroic ninja warrior.

Andy- You know, strictly I'm here as KTV staff. But this class has been so cool, I'm kinda thinking of joining you guys. This could be my way out of Terry Bogard's shadow, to make people stop thinking of the Lonely Wolves as Terry, and that other guy.

Guy- You can't join, you're a karate man, with I admit, some small knowledge of ninjitsu. You can't cut it with us though.

Fuuma- Yeah, what he said. Plus you being here wrecks my chances with Mai. You turn up with your stupid award winning hair...

Andy- What are you talking about? You never had a chance with Mai. You're a borderline Shotoclone loser.

Mai- YAY! Andy's here, everything's right with the world! We're gonna... Hey wait? Aren't I supposed to be moving on and forgetting my hopeless crush on you... BOO HOO! I'm so confused!

Guy- See what you've done to her now? I hope you feel really guilty now Andy. I hope it's eating up inside of you, that YOU upset Mai. That YOU made her cry, that YOU are worse than Rugal.

Andy- I... I didn't mean... Are you OK Mai? I'm sorry...

A guilt ridden Andy is accepted into the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, and the students head back to the camp. How will the permanent addition of "Nicest Beat Em Up Hair 1992" winner cope with life in the camp, and the situation with Mai. What is next in store for the students of Ninja Academy? Will they graduate and become legendary ninja heroes? Tune in next episode, but now it's the Notes which everyone ignores.

Note- Thanks to Jamal/Ninjitsuwolf for the idea of having Joe Musahsi give a seminar. Did anyone else think his crawl move looked like a Russian dance, or is it just me? He really did fight Spiderman and Godzilla as bosses in Revenge of Shinobi on the Megadrive (Genesis to any Yanks). There is no connection between him and Nightshade's Hibana, other than both being Sega characters.

I'd like to apologise to anybody grossed out by suggestions of what Shang Tsung has been getting up to. Using his morphing powers for perverted means... EWW! I do not offer therapy for anyone who has been affected by this.


	6. The Deeds of Exorcists R Us

Ninja Academy Part 6- The Deeds of Exorcists R Us

That night, after midnight, there were students in the dorms awaiting to watch a tape that Kurenai went to get from her room. The Red Ninja said something about it having footage that can save several lives... Or so she says. She's been searching for the said tape for minutes now.

Yuki: Man, Kurenai sure has been gone for a while. I wonder what's taking her so long to find that tape?

Kyo: Bugger. She's probably out trying to seduce another man. And if I see a slip of her black thong again, I'm going to scream. She know better than to wear such a small kimono in front of me.

Yuki: Kyo don't front. You like shit like that.

Kyo: Uh... I only like it when you wear stuff like she does.

Raven: I'm not complaining. At least it's better than seeing schoolgirls wearing tighty-whiteys underwear. (Shudders) How can something so innocent can be so mischievously alluring?

Ibuki: Thank god I'm not a stereotypical private schoolgirl. I'm glad that I attended a public school.

Yuki: HEY!

Ibuki: Sorry Yuki, but lets be honest; didn't you ever felt funny wearing your small school uniform?

Yuki: Yeah, sometimes I do. But wearing long socks sort of help that strange feeling. I used to wear leggings to put away that creepy feeling of nudity and embarrassment when on the school grounds.

Kyo: Heh. You had such cute chicken legs back then, Yuki.

Yuki: (blushes) Thank you, you pervert...

Kyo: Don't mention it.

Kurenai: Hey guys, I finally found the tape.

Mai: It's about time.

Kyo: So what's on that tape that we all need to know, you dangerous whore? OWW! (Yuki slaps him)

Yuki: Leave my friend alone.

Kurenai: Thanks, Yuki. And for you information Kyo, I'm not a whore, I'm sexually liberated.

Mai: Amen to that! I'm glad you said that, now it'll keep those blueball perverts from thinking that I'm that type of girl.

Galford: So what's on the tape, Red?

Fuuma: Isn't it Samurai Champloo episodes? Or maybe American mobster movies?... Or is it hidden footage of Karin Kanzuki playing with her 'toys'?

Mai: Will you shut the hell up! Almost every time you mention something it has to be sexually suggestive.

Fuuma: Right, and every look you give me is sexually suggestive as well.

Mai: Ooh! That was a dirty blow.

Eiji: Well, I just hope that it isn't a pre-recorded lecture from old man Joe. I'm still pissed that he can outdo us.

Shiki: What's on that tape anyway? You said it has advice that can save lives right? I have one for you; never be a servant/puppet of Yuga. (Shudders) Such terrible memories.

Scorpion: Would you hurry it up wench? I have to go back and rot in hell in a few, you know?

Kurenai: Okay, okay... jeez! Don't have an undead baby on me... (Puts the videotape in the tape player). Now sit back and watch the footage. It is very helpful. Then men should especially pay attention to this video.

Galford: I have a funny feeling that this tape has some tips on encountering ferocious bears. And lemme tell you the 'Play Dead Ploy' never works. Just ask Nakoruru... that bear beat the bricks out of her.

On the TV set, Tiffany Lords and buffed Pro Wrestling crazy chick, Rainbow Mika appeared on screen. Apparently they were in a motel room of some sort and the two Capcom bimbos looked very excited for some reason.

Raven: Hey, isn't R. Mika the chick that tried to hook up with Zangief one time? Man, what a waste of body, because I heard the Red Cyclone could be gay.

Fuuma: I knew it! It's a dyke flick! Oww! (Gets bonked on the side of his head by Shiki).

Shiki: Everything is not what it seems, you dolt!

Strider: Those chicks are excited about something. I see two bottles of Vodka on the desk near the bed.

Tiffany (TV): Tonight's presentation shall be, like, a really special one. Men should, like, be really delighted to know about this. I mean, duh, it's especially helpful when you're about to get it on with your partner.

All men: YES! LESBO ACTION!

All women, except Kurenai: HOW COULD YOU? THAT'S GROSS!

Kurenai: No! It's not like that. Keep watching. There's no riding in the wrong lane going on.

R. Mika (TV): Yes, on this program, we're going to show you how to protect and prevent yourselves from STD's.

All men: HUH?

Tiffany (TV): Come on in, Mr. Khan.

Shortly after the brainless, top-heavy girl's command, the legendary and feared emperor out OutWorld, Shao Khan enters the room. R. Mika applauds enthusiastically and Tiffany fishes out a Magnum Condom from her cleavage.

Tiffany: Now Mr. Khan, show the generous male viewers of the world how to put on a condom... properly.

Shao Khan: **EXCELLENT!** (Gets condom from Tiffany and steps in the bathroom).

Funny... for some strange reason, Michael Jackson's classic single, 'Beat It!' starts playing when he's in the bathroom. Strange noises that sounds suspiciously like grunts came from the bathroom.

R. Mika: Excuse him for a moment, this may take a while.

Eiji: What the fuck is going on?

Guy: This is not cool.

Kyo: What the hell is this? (Looks at Yuki and is surprised to see that she was now REALLY interested in the video). HEY! Yuki, don't tell me you're into shit like this.

Yuki: Shh... Khan's about to come out.

Raven: Oh man, he's screaming like there isn't anyone around.

Scorpion: No, it's more than that. He's screaming as if the hounds of Hell are after him. Trust me, when those mutts gets a hold of your nuts it hurts like a bitch.

Mai: This is getting good. Hey Kurenai, this IS some useful info.

Shiki: Hey look, Khan's coming out.

Back to the video, Khan has come back out of the bathroom... finished with his business. Tiffany and R. Mika applauds him.

Shao Khan: **FLAWLESS... VICTORY!**

Tiffany: That's what it takes to protect yourselves, fellas. This was a quick, and like, valuable lesson. (Looks at Khan's midsection) My, my, aren't you a healthy man? You sure are happy to be around us.

R. Mika: Just for that, Mr. Khan, what do you think of all other men's anatomy.

Khan: **WEAK PATHETIC FOOLS!**

Kyo: ARGH! I can't take this anymore! (Blasts the TV with his flames). That was downright disgusting!

Galford: You're damn right about that.

Shiki: My... no wonder he has over twenty wives. (Blushes)

Yuki: You guys hated it because you cannot even compare to Khan. (Fans face). No wonder he's an emperor.

Ibuki: (whistles approvingly) Astonishing.

Mai: And this is what I've been missing out on? Damn, gotta stop chasing Andy all the time.

Guy: You can chase me then.

Mai: Oh... don't kid around like that. (Blushes)

Guy: No, I was serious. Damn! (Snaps fingers in defeat)

Kurenai: Okay guys, what have we learned from the video?

All males: THAT SHAO KHAN DESERVES TO BE DEAD!

Yuki: That guy has the biggest dick I've ever seen! (Gets smacked on the back of her head, for once, by Kyo). OUCH! Besides yours, Kyo darling. (Whispering) Not...

Galford: Well that was disturbing. I'm heading for bed. I have to be 100 for whatever Hanzo's has in store for us tomorrow.

Shiki: Goodnight, Galford.

Scorpion: Well, I'm off back to Hades. Hitler and the Hussein brothers are going to haunt a lone blue planet in a galaxy far far away that's inhabited by 10 feet Amazon women. (Disappears).

Ibuki: Goodnight everyone! Rest good so we can overcome the storm tomorrow.

Everyone: YEAH! (They all left the lobby).

The next day, the students are once again rudely awakened by the sounds of blaring bagpipes. Because it was actually their fault for staying up late, they are all pissed because they had 'a few minutes of sleep' last night. For some reason, Hanzo seems highly euphoric today. Because today is very stormy.

Raven: Damn Ibuki, you just had to mention that storm metaphor last night.

Ibuki: (Laughs nervously) My bad...

Mai: I just hope that my clothes won't shrink on me again because of all this rain.

Fuuma: If it does, I'll be sure to be around with a camera when it happens.

Hanzo: Alright you good for nothing slugs--

Yuki: EWW! Slugs? Where?

Hanzo: Damn it! Stand attention, girl!

Andy: Can we stay inside until the storm passes. My award winning hair is getting messed up.

Shiki: Yes, I agree, I'm afraid of thunder.

Hanzo: No can do, folks! That's the beauty of it! Today is special. Because the storm is predicted to last the entire day, you clowns gets a special survival session.

All the students: Aw man!

Hanzo: Don't 'Aw man!' me. This is gonna be fun! You guys are off limits to the camp for the remaining of today and all of you most survive in the wilderness... while it's pouring rain! If you need anything, like food or water, head to the nearest town and get some then. But you cannot return here until 5:45 tomorrow morning. Got that?

Everyone: Yes sir...

Hanzo: That's the spirit! Now haul ass!

The students runs off, initiating themselves for today's ordeal. Shortly after their departure, Taki shows up and she felt sort of concern for the students well-being. Hanzo remains cold and stern.

Taki: Well, are you sure that all of them will return?

Hanzo: Hmm, I can't be certain. Those guys got issues. I have a feeling one or two of them may quit and run away like scared schoolgirls.

Taki: That's not of any concern, Hanzo. What if any one of does not survive all this?

Hanzo: Hopefully they do the same thing what Rugal Bernstein or Geese Howard would do...

Taki: And that would be?

Hanzo: They better not go into that light.

About a hour and several inches of rain later, a black truck was stranded in the middle of the woods. The truck had the logo 'Exorcists R Us' on both sides. It was still raining cats and dogs and the three occupants of the vehicle were not to please with their predicament. The Yata maiden, Chizuru Kagura, cute psychic kung fu girl/musician, Athena Asamiya, and sultry ninja woman, Sheena Fujibayashi are just plain having a bad day.

Sheena: You got to be kidding me! Don't tell me that we're stranded in the middle of nowhere and it's raining like the sky's falling!

Chizuru: This is just great. I bet it's the starter again.

Athena: Don't look at me. I don't know nothing about repairing automobile parts.

Sheena: Me neither! We're stranded and we'll never get to inspect Heihachi Mishima's mansion.

Chizuru: Well, I don't want to sit inside this hot ass truck for hours and hours until someone decides to help us. I'm going to check out what's wrong with my truck. (Gets and umbrella and mallet).

Sheena: Yeah, you're just about right for the job, Chizuru. I bet that you was a straight A student when you took up auto mechanics in high school.

Athena: Yeah, I'd heard of that too.

Chizuru: (blushes guiltily) Uh, those classes were fun to me. Great hands on training. Besides, I was the only girl in the entire class to take it.

Athena: I thought that you was the only girl in the entire school that took that class.

Chizuru: Uh, let's just forget about that. I'm going to check under the hood. Athena, why won't you just go up the road and be on the lookout for travelers.

Athena: Why me?

Chizuru: Because, for some strange reason, men are willing to lend a helping hand once they spot you.

Sheena: I don't see how. It must be the giddy superstar look.

Athena: I guess that I don't have any choice. (Muttering) Jealous hussies.

Further up the road, Kyo and Galford were jogging through the forest. Both ninjas were tired, soaked, and pissed off about today's trails. They stop for a moment in order to catch their breaths.

Galford: Damn I'm beat. All this running isn't necessary... and I'm a ninja.

Poppy: Woof! Woof!

Kyo: Whatever. If anything, this task is nothing but bullshit. I mean, what can we achieve by running in stormy weather like idiots, anyway?

Galford: Beats me. (Hears bushes shuffling) Hold on, something's up.

Kyo: Aw man! It better not be Mavado and his crew. I don't have time for them today!

Poppy: Grr!

Guy: Hey, don't shoot. It's only me. I was back there just taking a leak.

Kyo: You almost gotten jumped on, man.

Galford: Yeah, I bet it'll be better than being out in the rain for the remaining of today.

Guy: So where do you guys think is the direction of the nearest town? I'm thirstier than a damn Russian race horse.

Kyo: I dunno. It's a good idea. We can stay at a motel and look for some chicks to come lay with us.

Galford: Well speaking of chicks, there's one now. She definitely shouldn't be walking all by herself in the middle of nowhere...

Guy & Kyo: Where?

Down the highway, was Athena herself. She has an umbrella and she tries to catch the attention of a driver in a red Nissan by pulling her already short skirt up a bit (like chick hitchhikers). Unfortunately for her, the driver was Ash Crimson.

Athena: Aw man! That was the most effective trick in the book. Who could resist little ol me? (Notices three ninjas approaching her) AAIIEE! Ninjas! Don't come any closer! Please go away!

Due to several bad luck and incidents with ninjas in the past (especially the time when Eiji attacked her and her friends), Athena had developed a strong fear of ninjas. She stands stark still, literally shaking in her boots.

Athena: Don't hurt me!

Galford: Don't fret, kid. We're not going to hurt you.

Guy: We have no intentions of doing that... not hurting you, of course.

Athena: Oh really? (Notices Kyo) Kyo, is that you? Long time no see! You look really cute in your ninja outfit.

Kyo: Heh heh... not as good as your outfits in 96, 98, and 2002. Especially in those tight miniskirts when you were mayor of Osaka.

Athena: (confused) What was that?

Kyo: Uh, nothing. Anyway, what are you doing in the middle of nowhere?

Athena: Oh that... well after my term of Mayor was over, I saw an ad in the papers for Exorcists R Us. They are looking for youths that have extraordinary powers that could be helpful in sensing evil spirits lurking about. Even though it's weird, it pays well.

Guy: Interesting. You're stranded huh?

Athena: Yes I am. Our truck broke down further down the road. Chizuru said something about the starter could be the problem.

Kyo: Chizuru? That potentially sexy but terribly Plane Jane clothes wearing sorceress that hosted KOF 96 and 2003? The one who both Iori and I tried to get into years ago?

Athena: Uh... if you say so. (In her mind) What the hell does he see in her?

Galford: So you said it's the starter huh? Maybe we'll give you a helping hand.

Athena: Thanks, follow me.

Guy: Sure will. (Thinking) Nice ass.

Athena: I've heard that! (Points at her head)

Guy: Oops!

Back at the broken down truck...

Chizuru: I think I'm doing more damage to this truck than helping it.

Sheena: (Still inside the truck) You just not noticing that?

Chizuru: Quiet you.

Athena: Guys, I'm back! And I brought some help!

Guy: Yo.

Kyo: Long time no see, Chizuru.

Galford: Nice to meet ya.

Poppy: Woof!

Sheena: Whoa! A blonde ninja! You definitely don't see that everyday! That's so cool.

Galford: Yeah, whatever. Just wait until you meet the Wesley Snipes lookalike, Raven. Kind of strange, but at least it isn't as disoriented as Urma Thurman in Kill Bill, Tom Cruise in Last Samurai, or Martin Lawrence in The Black Knight.

Chizuru: It's certainly nice meeting all of you. And Kyo, I personally think you look weird as a ninja (Everyone except for Kyo started laughing). Anyway, which one of you is has some auto skills?

Galford: I got it. You go back inside this baby and I use my electricity to charge the battery and starter.

Chizuru did as she was instructed as Galford removed his gauntlets and placed his hands on the battery and starter. After several minutes of doing this, Galford finally managed to get the truck up and running.

Chizuru: Thank you! You're a life saver!

Galford: No problem... except that my hands are numb...

Guy: So you girls are spook chasers, huh? Cool, you're like a modern day Ghost Busters, or The Mystery Machine on Scooby Doo.

Sheena: Yeah. We were just on our way to Heihachi's mansion... one of them anyway.

Kyo: You mean the bootleg Geese Howard?

Sheena: Right... anyway, we have a call from him this morning. He said something about his crib is being haunted and there's this annoying UFO flaying in his hallways with 'Dr. W' on it. That sounds kind of familiar. (Notices Kyo staring at her half cover breasts) HEY!

Kyo: Not my fault! You're the one who wears your shirt half open like that. Mai be the same way.

Sheena: You annoying... (slaps Kyo)

Galford: The only thing that could be haunting Heihachi is his own dysfunctional family. Kazuya and his Grandson are devils you know.

Kyo: Man! What is up with main heroes becoming evil all of a sudden? In SFA the guy who was pushed up to be my rival turned evil... talking about Evil Intent. Just an excuse for more Shotoclones. You don't see me becoming evil.

Athena: Speaking of which, it's a good thing that we ran into you guys.

Chizuru: Yes, your ninja prowess my be an advantage in solving the mystery at Mr. Mishima's abode.

Sheena: So, you guys are coming with us?

Kyo: Yeah. Definitely something to do to kill the time.

Guy: I'll tag along. Old man Heihachi is just delusional.

Galford: So sue me; I hate evil! I'll come along too. Being Exorcists R Us for a day is going to be fun!

Meanwhile, at Mishima manor, the old man himself was in the den reading a porn magazine. He was having a good time until his so called 'granddaughter' come into then den with an maid uniform on.

Asuka Kazama: Your clothes has been thoroughly washed, sir. Just be sure to be near the bathroom when you have the bubblies next time.

Heihachi: Uh, can't help it. Bowel trouble.

Asuka Kazama: You really didn't have to let me know about that sir. I'm just getting paid for housework, not knowing your deepest, darkest, secrets.

Heihachi: Silence. Why won't you um... go clean dust off some of the furniture or something.

Asuka: But sir, this is going to be the twentieth time for today!

Heihachi: Can't be that bad. Besides, it provides a nice view of your arse.

Asuka: You're sick! You know that? I should kick your arse if it weren't for the fact that you're paying me a whole shitload of money for this.

Heihachi: Try it if you want to. You wonder why my son ended up down the cliff and a volcano. And with Jin being shot in the forehead.

Asuka: ARGH! If you need me, I'll be on my coffee break with the security. (Leaves the den)

Heihachi: Have fun.

Meanwhile, in the monitor where the security were, the two officers were having a conversation. Of course, knowing them, an interesting topic had to come up sooner or later.

Vice: Old man Heihachi is a senile bastard, senile I tell you!

Gato: Yeah, the old fart said some about seeing the Dr. W UFO flying around again. He's just as looney as the cast of KOF S(h)itcom Hell.

Vice: Tell me about it. But what is up with his relations with Asuka, huh? Isn't she really his granddaughter?

Gato: I doubt the hell out of that. You should of seen the way how he looks up her skirt when she's working. And there was that time he tried to squeeze those breasts of hers.

Vice: He's a snotty old bastard, but he's not nearly as bad as Rugal was. Rugal had a major power trip.

When he gets pissed he goes into 'Omega mode' and beat up on his secretaries for no apparent reasons. But I'm sort of suspicious though, haven't it ever occurred to you that Adel and Rose looks a lot like Mature?

Gato: Oh well, that's just them. You wanna have sex?

Vice: Sure.

Just as the homicidal maniac and the sexy Orochi secretary were about to get it on, Asuka entered the monitor room. And she seemed very pissed.

Asuka: I'm sick of that old man's bullshit!

Gato: (Fastening back up his pants) Aren't we all? Shit!

Vice: (Buttoning up her blouse) What has he done now? Fuck!

Asuka: He wants me to clean up the furniture again! For the twentieth time! I've already hand fed him and gave him a sponge wash today! What more do he want?

Vice: Girl, you really didn't have to go into such detail. Yuck!

Gato: That's disgusting! Give him what he's asking for, though. All he wants is to see up your skirt.

Asuka: Now that you mention it, it is kinda small and it's feels really snug on my chest...

Vice: Damn! You young girls are just plain gullible! You don't know shit what's going on. (Looks at a monitor and sees the black truck). Exorcists R Us? They most be the people that he called today?

Asuka: Yeah. This place is haunted. Didn't I tell you about yesterday that I've seen a UFO flying around the mansion. It had Dr. W on it. Weird huh?

Gato: Should I shoot em from the window. My sniping skills are not as good as they used to, you know.

Vice: Gato, don't. Go on ahead and open the front gate.

Gato: If you say so.

What will become of Exorcists R Us and the three Ninja Academy students? Will Gato and Vice ever have time for themselves? Is Asuka Kazama truly Heihachi Mishima's granddaughter? Isn't the old fart just delusional? Is the mansion really haunted? What's up with the Dr. W spaceship? We may not find out about all of that but tune in next chapter!

Note: Sheena Fujibayashi. The sexy ninja woman from GameCube's excellent RPG, Tales of Symphonia. She fights with mystical cards and she can also summon spirits.

Note 2: Galford's quote, "So sue me; I hate evil!" is straight out of Samurai Showdown 4. Kim Kaphwan, eat yer heart out!

Note 3: The concept behind 'Exorcists R Us' is heavily inspired by Captainspoon's superb fac, 'The Exploits of Mercs R Us'. That is the greatest (and funniest) crossover fanfic ever written.

Note 4: Asuka Kazama... yeah, that sexy new brat from Tekken 5. Just what is her relationship to Jin Kazama and the Mishima's? There have been several fans that had been chewing each other out about that and they know damn well that Namco haven't yet confirm it. Guess we'll have to wait until Tekken PS3.


	7. The Art Of Survival

Ninja Academy. Part 7- The Art Of Survival

The students of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy are currently roughing it out in the depths of the forest, on a survival exercise. Worse, the storm is still going strong, as if Raiden himself was pissed off at the world, and venting out his anger. The group, excluding those with Exorcists R Us, have gotten themselves completely lost. This is probably because map reading was Fuuma's duty, so they now have no idea where they are. Everyone is cold, wet, morale is low, and despite only being noon, the storm and thick forest mean it's almost pitch black.

Strider- Where are we? One part of this forest looks the same as any other, especially now it's dark. Fuuma, what's the map showing?

Fuuma- I don't understand this at all. We should have past Space Mountain ages ago. And I don't remember seeing Mickey's Magical Kingdom anywhere either. Personally, I wanna find Princess Jasmine's Arabian Harem. Shingo swears it really exists. I like Shingo, he makes me look intelligent.

Raven- "Space Mountain"? "Mickey's Magical Kingdom"? Gimme the map! FUUMA! This is a 1994 Disneyland visitors map you useless Shotoclone!

Fuuma- HEY! Useless I may be, but I'm no Shotoclone you Wesley Snipes wannabe!

Shiki- Guys, shut up! What do we do now? We're lost, cold, and the torch batteries are running low.

Fuuma- You worry too much babe. I'll look out for you, I'm macho... (sees a tiny little spider) AAAAHHH! SPIDER! HE'S GONNA EAT ME! (jumps into Shiki's arms, who drops him like he's diseased) Oww!

Kurenai- Why don't we just set up camp here under this big tree? It's keeping the weather off us... (a huge flash of lightining destroys the tree, reducing it to charred firewood) Uh, forget I said anything.

Scorpion- Great, just great! Stupid survival, stupid fucking Hanzo! If I hadn't been killed, I'd have graduated my original ninja course, and not be stuck in this shithole!

Ibuki- Anyone seen Galford, Guy and... uh, the other guy? Where are they?

Eiji- Hopefully dead in a ditch somewhere... (Mai hits him) OWW!

Mai- That's a mean thing to think about Guy. And the others I guess, but mostly my good friend Guy. Come on guys, let's look for shelter. Preferably coming comlete with food, working toilets and TV.

Meanwhile, watching from the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy camp are head trainer Hanzo, first aider/therapist Taki and visiting KTV president, Saisyu Kusanagi. They all sit in front of a large set of screens, showing footage of the students, filmed using hidden cameras throughout the forest.

Hanzo- Hmm, they're all heading for shelter. What a wimpy thing to do, when I was a young trainee, I had to rough it outside in the storm wearing just my underwear and mask! Well, I didn't HAVE to...

Taki- And what good did it do you? You got pneumonia, and were sued for harassment by that camping group of college girls.

Hanzo- Gimme a break, those were the days of single sex ninja classes. I hadn't seen a woman for five months, then a coachful of college cuties come passing through.

Saisyu- Come on people, I trying to make a successful prime time reality/action show here! Start a fight, it usually works on Springer! Think of the audience, think of how KTV needs a hit after "At Home With Hinako" bombed and the censors made us take "Ash Crimsons Big Pink Funhouse" off air!

Taki- Shame, I liked "Ash Crimson's Big Pink Funhouse". Calm down. This whole area is a well known death trap, with many dangerous areas and inhabitants. I'm sure the students will get in over their heads somehow. They usually do.

Hanzo- And that's exactly the way we want it. Here at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy, I believe in subjecting trainee ninjas to as much real life danger as humanly possible. Though I'd be sad if any died.

Taki- Why Hanzo, I didn't think you cared.

Hanzo- Of course I do, those students are like family to me. I treat them like my own kids, forget their names, and go on about how much nicer they were when they were little. (looks at the monitor) Look, they've spotted something...

After wandering aimlessly for a couple of miles, they find a signpost, which tells them what they can expect to find in various directions. Andy reads out aloud what is where, and they finally see something that raises their spirits.

Andy- Let's see now. Two miles left is a big steep drop into a pit of spiked rocks. Going south will take us down the Road to Nowhere... Hey look. If we head west, we'll get to a small village. We can stay the night there, then head back to camp in the morning.

Mai- My Andy's a genius. He found somewhere we can get a room together, and come up with many imaginative ways to keep each other warm.

Raven- Mai, I'm just curious. This storm's worse than the last one, so when will your outfit start shrinking?

Mai- Ah ha! I came prepared this time, oh yes. This outfit's weatherproof! (all men are disappointed)

Fuuma- Aww, the one thing I was excited about on this stupid survival program.

Shiki- Shit, the torch is dead. Anyone got any flares or something?

Yuki- This is no time to make a fashion statement. And you cannot borrow my flares.

Eiji- She's not talking crap 70's retro style you idiot! I mean the things you fire out to light the area up and attract attention.

Yuki- I always attract attention when I wear my flares. They're bright yellow, and very tight around my rear.

Scorpion- I've got a better idea. (removes his mask, to reveal his Ghost Rider style flaming skull) I guess being an undead specter does have it's advantages.

Kurenai- Can we head for the village now? We can get out of the storm, and I bet there's some small town studs just waiting for a sophisticated babe like me to show up.

With Scorpion leading the way as a kind of beacon, they head for the village. Along the way, they smell burning, and it isn't from the undead ninja's flaming skull. When they get there, they find a battered sign reading "Living At One With Nature", and buildings, all made of wood are all smashed up, with some on fire. Scared locals and various forest animals back away from them as they enter the main square. In reality, the village has just suffered it's ninth looting this week, and it's still only Wednesday.

Raven- What the fuck happened here? Did we miss a great party?

Kurenai- (to a young man) Excuse me, which way to your motel? You wanna come with me... (the man runs off) Come back. Poor boy, he mustn't be used to chic, urbane girls like myself.

Andy- (to passers by) Hi, I'm Andy Bogard. Fatal Fury hero, Ninja Academy student, and star of a hundred shampoo commercials. Someone talk to me, come on, I'm a nice guy.

Fuuma- Here's someone now, and she's a cute babe. (an angry Nakoruru and Mamahaha come their way)

Nakoruru- Haven't you guys done enough damage? You've attacked us so many times now, and stolen our money, our valuables, our home entertainment systems, even our fucking wallpaper!

Strider- Whoa there girl. Mind telling us what you're talking about? We're not here to attack you.

Ibuki- (whispering) It wasn't you was it Eiji?

Eiji- (whispering back) I've never been here before.

Nakoruru- We built this village as a place where we can get back to nature. Everything was fine until a month ago when rich bitch Hinako applied to build her next huge palace on these grounds. It would kill off all the local wildlife, including my Mamahaha.

Shiki- Hinako, I hate that stuck up cow. But why would she want to build a palace here?

Nakoruru- Because she's rich, spiteful, and most importantly, she just can. We successfully blocked her plans, but since then, she's hired ninjas to drive us out. My fellow nature defender, the lovely Julia went on a sabotage mission at Hinako's cabin yesterday, but I've not seen her since.

In a luxury cabin further away, the sumo snob is ranting at Julia Chang, who sits tied up in front of her. Julia was captured during her mission, but not before destroying the girl's entire fleet of limos. To torment the Native American nature lover, Hinako is wearing a long mink fur coat, and sitting in a big leather chair. Her forever mistreated maid Shermie is currently on hands and knees, being used as a footstool by her evil employer, who is also still very bitter about Ninja Academy's great success and her own show's flop.

Hinako- Soon my plan will become reality, and I will have a huge palace with every luxury and a large statue of me, in place of your hippy Ewok village. Who wants to get back to nature anyway, I hate nature! It should fucking well know it's place!

Julia- You can't do this, we stopped your plan. We will fight you all the way, blowing up your limos is only the beginning! My sweet Nakoruru will kick your granny panted arse!

Hinako- You only won the court case because that peasant judge couldn't resist you and Nakoruru, two cute, sweet natured, lady loving defenders of fluffy little animals. And of course, I'll have to wipe out all the animals, and I'm thinking of turning the rest of the forest into an exclusive golf course, just for a laugh.

Shermie- But ma'am, you don't even like golf.

Julia- What have you got against the natural world anyway you little freak?

Hinako- Nature just refuses to respect me. Like my exclusive summer garden party, hit by a freak thunder storm. Or my holiday in the Carribean, where I was almost eaten by sharks.

Shermie- I remember that time. Where you left me bleeding in the sea to distract them while you escaped. And ma'am, why this area, it's too far away from decent shopping facilities.

Hinako- True, but the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy is located in this forest too. Slowly but surely, I can move to aggressively destroy their school, and with it their TV show. And I have a group of ninjas on the payroll who despise the Academy as much as I do.

Back at the village, the students are all sitting around eating dinner and talking with their host. They have listened to what the nature lover is saying, and realise that once the village is gone, Hinako will also target the Academy. In return for food and shelter, they agree to help Nakoruru in her struggle.

Ibuki- Hey Nako, didn't you used to date Galford? Didn't you break it off due to your commitments to all things natural? Do you know any embarrassing stories about Galford, he's in our class, but we lost him.

Scorpion- I heard you got into women after that. Is it true? Gimme details.

Nakoruru- Look, the only two guardians of nature are me and Julia, we're bound to develop feelings for each other. We shared a jacuzzi one time, one thing led to another

Shiki- Yeah, whatever. Too much info. Anyway, you said before you were being attacked by ninjas. Who?

Fuuma- Spoilsport. Just when her story was getting good, and one thing was leading to another.

Just outside the village, hidden among the trees are three evil ninjas. they are led by vain claw weilding, masked matador Vega, a stereotyped Spaniard who makes the guy in The Quest look subtle. Accompanying him are ten foot, massively overweight Texan man mountain Earthquake, and purple haired busty Mai wannabe kunoichi Ayane. Spying in the village is lizard/man hybrid Reptile, currently invisible. All four are failed applicants to the Academy, and seek vengance for missing their chance at TV stardom. Nakoruru has now told the good guys about them.

Mai- I remember Ayane, a jealous rival from high school. She was never as good as me though.

Yuki- Hey, didn't those four apply for Ninja Academy too. I remember them from the auditions.

Andy- I get it now, because they failed to get into our TV show, they've joined up with the even more jealous Hinako to try and bring us down.

Fuuma- Nako, are you and Julia like the Planeteers? Can you call up a crap superhero with a green mullet? Do you have an annoying fire user, and a little wuss with "heart" power, whatever that was?

Nakoruru- Don't be stupid, it's not like that. We use peaceful protests, leaflet campaigns, and if The Man comes down hard on us, sabotage. Julia was more hardcore militant than I am.

Strider- We should have someone outside to keep watch. I say we take it in turns to do sentry duty. I'll go first, than Fuuma.

Fuuma- Why me?

Mai- Because you made us remember Captain Planet. Now I have the theme tune stuck in my head.

Everyone except Strider gets settled for some much needed hot drinks. Nothing happens on his watch, so Strider fetches the reluctant Fuuma. The psuedo Shotoclone wanders around, bored shitless until he hears a female voice call him. he turns to see a hot ninja chick with purple hair and bouncy boobs to rival Mai's.

Ayane- Would you come up here. I need a big strong man to help keep me warm. I'd come in, but I prefer to do it al fresco. The outdoors really turns me on.

Fuuma- Oh yes, I've scored big this time. I like the way this girl thinks, al fresco sex. YEAH!

Ayane pulls her top down further to show off more of her impressive cleavage. In a trance, Fuuma hurries towards her, before being hit across the head by something invisible behind him. Reptile makes his presence known, in his devolved MKDA form, and Vega and Earthquake also step out of their hiding places.

Fuuma- Oww, what's going on. Do I have to share her with you freaks?

Vega- Some ninja you are, how'd they pick you for the show over me anyway you Ken Masters wannabe? I'd have been far more popular with the fans, especially cute female viewers.

Fuuma- Why, because you look just as girly as them, rather than a manly stud like me?

Earthquake- We're gonna destroy your Academy, and the show. If we can't be ninja TV stars, no one can!

Without warning, Earthquake sits his massively oversized arse right on top of Fuuma. As the idiot gasps for air, Andy has come out to investigate, as he'd have been next for sentry duty. Andy gets ready to fight, but Vega moves too fast for him, leaping high into the trees. With a girlish yell, the pretty boy ninja dives claw first, cutting his target deep in the shoulder. A few more quick slashes take the heroic ninja down.

Vega- Heh heh, another one down. What does Mai see in you boy, you're so dull. And I should have won "Nicest Beat Em Up Hair 1992". Look how soft and silky my 'do is.

Ayane- I think he's cute, and I bet he's not hooked up with Mai only because he knows he can do much better than that whore. I should seduce him, just to break Mai's little heart.

Andy- (coughs out blood) Just because you weren't good enough to get on our show.

Vega- Boy, you're show's all wrong anyway. Ninjas aren't meant to be good guys. real ninjitsus all about ruthless assassination.

Both Andy and Fuuma are thrown into a truck and driven back to Hinako. Along with Julia, they are locked in the basement, where the evil sumo snob has a particularly cruel torture in mind for them. Shermie carries a TV/DVD down, and sets it up in front of them.

Hinako- Hello peasants. I'm going to break your little minds, and get you round to my way of thinking with this, an unfairly cancelled TV classic.

Fuuma- Aw fuck, not Captain Planet! Anything but that! (everyone else stares at him confused)

Andy- Don't mind him, he's simple. (sees Hinako's DVD box) Shit, it's worse. "At Home With Hinako"!

Hinako- Yes, the entire series on DVD. Where you can experience me in all my aristocratic glory. Maid, run me a bath, and if it's one degree above or below my ideal temperature, you lose another month's pay.

Julia- Shermie, what are you still doing working for that bitch? She doesn't respect you, has you constanly running around doing demeaning tasks.

Hinako- Don't talk to the slave, she doesn't have opinions. Speaking of maids, I'll need more for my new palace. Shermie won't be able to do everything alone, no matter how much I beat her.

The DVD is turned on, and the prisoners are left to endure this awful, patronising TV show following the life of a spoilt, snobby girl who makes the Queen of England look like trailer trash. Back at the village, the others have discovered that their firends are missing, and are looking for them.

Yuki- Guys, where are you. Come on, we've already lost Kyo, Guy and Galford.

Mai- Look, I've found blood... WAAAH! It's Andy's blood! First I lose Guy, then Andy, both in one day!

Strider- How can she tell it's his blood?

Eiji- She's been obsessed with him for years, knows every tiny little detail about him, even his DNA.

Shiki- You know what we should be doing now. We should go and storm the snob's cabin. Come on Nako, you know you want to.

Raven- She's right, you've been letting them attack your village all this time. Go kick her arse, Julia had the right idea. And with us on your side, you can't lose.

Nakoruru- Normally I'm a pacifist. But this time, I have to defeat Hinako, for the forest, for the animals, for my beautiful Julia!

In the cabin basement, Andy, Fuuma and Julia are very close to breaking point, but are saved when the power is shut off. They are shocked to see Shermie, wearing her pink KOF outfit come down and untie them. The now ex maid has finally decided she's had enough of Hinako, and threw her maid's outfit into the fire.

Andy- Whew, thanks. It was getting to the point where I was gonna swallow my own tongue to end it all. No wonder her show was a flop. Who wants to watch a spoilt brat show off her wealth and insult everyone?

Shermie- Go, you're friends are just outside now. I've had it with this shitty job. For a year, I've been made to perform demeaning tasks for the benefit of Hinako's inferiority complex of the many women sexier than her.

Julia- Good for you, you've finally decided to show a bit of backbone Shermie. We'll be happy to kick the shit out of your former employer.

As they escape the basement, outside, their friends are creeping towards the cabin, where Vega and his crew are keeping watch. They are completely unaware of the heroes presence until the last minute, when they are under attack. Both sides are now engaged in a big ninja vs ninja rumble

Vega- Hinako only employs maids to take out her jealous frustrations and inferiority complex on.

Earthquake- Yeah. She can't take it that she's a dumpy little granny pant wearing sumo no man really fancies... What the fuck...


	8. Mishaps At Mishima Manor

Chapter 8: Mishaps At Mishima Manor

The three 'lost' ninjas of the Ninja Academy and Exorcists R US approached the porch of the mansion. It was an impressive old crib in the middle of nowhere. Right at the front door was Vice and the man himself, Heihachi Mishima. Vice look as though she was tired of working for the old fool. Heihachi, however, stood proud in his expensive clothes and he seems to be eyeing Athena and Sheen intently.

Heihachi: Welcome to my humble abode ladies, (glances at the three ninjas) and... you three faggots.

Guy: HEY! Watch your blasphemous mouth! At least we don't wear old thong drawers in the middle of a battle.

Heihachi: Oh, that little Tekken 4 incident. Back then, my personal army claimed that I wasn't paying them enough for the dangers I put them through. The ungrateful little bastards have burned up all of my fighting clothes at the time and I didn't have no choice but to come in the ring damn near naked.

Chizuru: Yeah... yeah, it's fate's way of picking at you at times. Well Mr. Mishima, how do you do? I am the founder of Exorcists R Us and these are my companions; Athena Asamiya and Sheena Fujibayashi. Along with us for additional support are three devoted students of the Aya Uteo Ninja Academy.

Heihachi: I see. It's an honor to meet all of you. (Looks thoughtful)

Sheena: (Whispering to Athena) I don't like the looks he's been giving us. Give me the rundown on what he's thinking.

Athena: Hold on. I'm getting in his thoughts clearly. Shoot, just as I thought. He's an old pervert. He's wondering if your chest is real and he's thinking about offering you a job as one of his personal maids. He's an ambitious old cock, isn't he?

Sheena: I'm not interested. He can keep his dirty thoughts to himself.

Vice: Sir? Should we be letting our guest inside? The storm could regain it's strength any moment now and I hate to get my suit wet.

Heihachi: Right. Come right this way, all of you.

The old man led the group inside his home. They are now walking through one of the various dark hallways of the mansion. The majority of the house was decorated with a mix of Japanese paintings, statues, plants, and samurai armor along with collectables from Medieval Europe, such as paintings from the Dark Ages and very ancient knight armors.

Kyo: (Looking at paintings of the Mishima bloodlines) Isn't this a bitch? All these guys had either spiky hair or receding hairlines. And some of these bastards had horns coming out of their heads. What a creepy legacy these Mishima prudes lead.

Galford: What? You're scared of something? Nothing can scare a Champion of Justice! Right, Poppy?

Poppy: Woof! Woof!

Athena: Kyo's right. This huge dump is spooky. I can sense the evil wandering around here...

Kyo: (In a fake, mocking voice) I see dead people...

Chizuru: While you're clowning about this situation, there are three forces at work here.

Sheena: Three huh? Damn, this is going to be a long day.

The groups soon find themselves inside the main den of the household. There were four home theatre television sets, several snack machines, a magazine stand, and a fountain in the middle of the room. Guy took a seat at one of the sofas and looks through some of the DVD collection.

Guy: Hey look at this. It's a rare title, an American Pie/Pokemon crossover, 'American Pie: Poking The Coeds' and get this: Satoshi finally gets some from Kasumi. It's about damn time he did. After almost ten years I thought he still wants to remain a mere 'friend' with her.

Sheena: How about this film, it was hailed as one of the best yaoi films as acclaimed by Ebert and Roper... knowing those old sods. 'Battle Arena Toshinden: Life In The Wrong Lane'. Ooh... Kayin Amoh puts Eigi Shingo in the buck position. And how come Sophia is nicknamed Doorknob in this movie?

Guy: It's no secret that those bogus shotoclones were playing on the other team. That was old news. And I just happened to know why they call Sophia The Doorknob... but I'm not going to tell you why.

Kyo: And look at this, 'Street Fighter FREAK: Warriors Dream'. (Looks on the back of the case) Whoa! I never knew Ryu had it in him. That emotionless freak finally shows some emotion... and it's not towards Chun Li... Gross...

Galford: Who is it then? Cammy? R.Mika? Elena? Rose? Man, I'll do that hot gypsy chick! Or, wait a minute... heaven forbids, it's Sakura isn't it? These young girls can fool you these days. Just ask Malin...

Kyo: No. He falls in love with Sagat. Ken and Charlie ran off with Chun Li to have a threesome with her. And Sagat gets some 'Tiger Blow' from his long time enemy.

Chizuru: My god that's disturbing...

Athena: Yuck! Most of these are flicks. I wouldn't be caught dead watching these filthy movies.

Kyo: Trust me, it's not as filthy once you start getting some.

Heihachi: (Blushing) Uh, ahem... those are some of my DVD collections. But I don't have shit to do with the yaoi flicks. I wonder who they belong to? (Glares at Vice)

Vice: Don't look at me you old prune! I'm not into stuff like that! After you hired Gato a few weeks ago I didn't have the time to check out those films. And I know he doesn't watch those because he's a straight arrow head (Nudges Sheena). You know what I'm saying?

Sheena: (Blushes) I heard he was working with a monster.

Vice: Yeah, he turned me straight! It's hard to believe I wasn't into men a majority of my life.

Sheena: Chill. Too much information.

Heihachi: If they aren't yours then whose DVDs are these?

Suddenly, Asuka Kazama entered the room nearly the speed of sound. She greeted the guests and bowed apologetically at Heihachi. Because she forgot to put away most of her yaoi videos last night and she was surprise she didn't look for anything to clean in the den.

Asuka: I'm so sorry! Please forgive me for not noticing this mess. I'll be straightening up the movies back on the shelves and in my room right away. (Bends over to gather her yaoi flicks, giving the old man and the three ninjas a good view of her purple underwear, unknown to her).

Guy: Hey, now we're talking!

Galford: The full moon is looking awfully pretty tonight.

Kyo: At times like these, I can certainly appreciate the color purple. Except when I see Iori's flames streaking down the road towards me. The bastard.

Heihachi: (Looking proud) That's my personal maid, and quite possibly my granddaughter, Asuka Kazama. Isn't she lovely fellas?

Asuka: That's about all of them. (Notices three empty bottles of tequila near the sofa) Shit, was I really chugging up these last night? Damn, I'm gonna have a fucked up liver when I get older.

Kyo: Howdy partner. You probably seen me in the KTV studios. Kyo Kusanagi (hands Asuka one of his 'business cards'). When you have the time, give me a call, babe.

Asuka: We have a deal, Mr. Kusanagi.

Kyo: Please, just call me Papa Kyo.

Athena: (Thinking) Oh god! Not another Kusanagi groupie!

Chizuru: Ahem. Back to the subject at hand Mr. Mishima. You reported to us earlier today that you have a presence in your home. Plus, if I'm not mistaken, there's also sightings of a miniature UFO seen flying through the perimeter of the mansion, correct?

Heihachi: Why yes, of course. I'm glad I did called you guys. You're just the right people for the job. You are free to board here for the night and I hope you all can clear up all of this by tomorrow morning. But you can ignore the evil presence in the basement... that's my shit looking father.

Sheena: Okay. I'll start the line of defense by putting up evil repelling charms all over the place.

Guy: Actually, I was hoping for a good fight. Ninjas are known for warding off evil spirits too, you know.

Galford: Hey Chizuru, you did said that there were three forces at work here, right? Mind telling us how we can get a lead on them. Or how about telling little Miss Purple-Haired Cleo here to do her psychic sensing thing.

Athena: Hey don't call me Miss Cleo, blondie! You wouldn't believe all the jokes I went through when I debuted as a martial artist when I was a child.

Poppy: (Picks up a scent) Grr...! Woof! Woof!

Galford: What is it Poppy? You smell something peculiar?

Chizuru: Ah! I can sense one of the presence near by. It's getting closer and closer...

Asuka: Shoot! I'm to young to die! Gotta go! (Hides in a closet)

Athena: I can sense it too. It's a very evil presence at that. It's just as evil as... as a very old demented pervert. Or just as evil as an gender bending entity, or an army of Shin Clones wielding purple flames. Don't get me started on most people's player two color schemes.

Guy: Let me at em! (Hops around in a stance like Scrappy-Doo) I'll show em that this is not the place to be haunting around with. What the heck? (All the lights go out)

Yes indeed people, the lights are certainly out. And it's obvious that the evil force is at work. While most of the gang were panicking and wanting to know what the hell was going on, it was certain that they could hear flying bats. The evil presence is felt stronger and stronger and there were several sounds of fabric being ripped off. After several minutes of this, the lights are turned back on and the girls found themselves wearing new, if not provocative outfits.

Galford: What the hell? Is this a club night or something?

Kyo: Whatever it is, I'm not complaining.

The girls were obviously victims of The Midnight Bliss; a specialty of a certain vampire that can make women change into a much better wardrobe once victims to it. Sheena was still wearing her purple ninja yukata without the pants. Athena was in a red bikini, just like her original incarnation, only she was much more bustier and her swimsuit was very thin and mostly a thong. Chizuru was pissed as well; she was wearing a Japanese schoolgirl outfit, the skirt barely covering her arse, just like those 'annoyingly perfect manga girls'. Asuka was wearing her hidden geisha wardrobe from Tekken 5 with the tattoos on her thigh and all, and Vice was in a leather leotard, dominatrix style with shades to boot.

Heihachi: (Clutching his heart in bliss) Oh Kazumi! I've seen too many sexy women in one place at one time. I'm coming to join you honey!

Guy: So? The sight of soft legs in their best clothes frightens you huh? And you called us faggots...

Kyo: God I wish I can do that. I can make Yuki hair much longer and her chest much bigger.

Chizuru: I know who is responsible for this. This looks like the work of Demetri Maximov and personally, I think the undead bastard has gone too far. (Tries to snatch off her outfit, but times she took it off, another one remained on her body) Great, just freaking great! I gotta wait until this spell wears off.

Athena: Well, it's not that bad. I was reluctant to wear a schoolgirl outfit too until they told me that they'll pay me triple if I wear it in KOF XI.

Asuka: Yeah... I know what you mean. The pervs did the same to me as well. They forced me to wear my geisha outfit and they agreed to pay off my private school debts and tuitions.

Sheena: Well we better find this vampire guy and fast. I'm catching a draft and I'm sensitive to cool weather.

Vice: Well if anyone needs me, I'll be in the security room with Gato.

Kyo: Hey guys, maybe we can leave the vampire alone, huh? I mean, he's not really doing evil things around here. He made the girls here realize their deeper feminine sides. What do you think? (Takes out a camera and took several snapshots) The internets is going to go nuts once they see these. And they can forget about those new chicks appearing in future games.

Athena: Hey girls, we can take out our stress and anger on him instead (Glowers at Kyo, along with the other girls). GET HIS ASS!

Kyo: Hey, what the hell wrong with you girls... AAHHH! (Gets jumped on by the girls)

While the SNK poster boy is getting the holy shit beaten out of him, Demitri finally decided to make an appearance in the Mishima Manor den. He too takes out a camera and started taking snapshots of the girls which were now beating up Kyo.

Demitri: Ah Ha! Oh yeah! This is the real deal! This is the ideal dream of every hentai web-surfers and Capcom fanboys out there. The internet is going to love this! Sexy half naked chick handing the Kusanagi boy's ass to him, this is too much!

Poppy: Woof! Woof! WOOF!

Galford: Hey it's the evil vampire... wait a minute... (sneaks out a camera and took a snapshot of Sheena when her kimono went past her hips). Okay... where was I? VAMPIRE'S HERE!

Guy: Right... like what he said. (Takes a picture of Chizuru when she was busy having a hold of Kyo's collar and banging his head against the floor). Chizuru's not so Plane Jane after all...

Heihachi: Excellent... (Takes a snapshot when Asuka straddles Kyo and began beating him with one of her high heels stilettos). Oh yeah...

Gato: I'm glad I can see some of the action. (Takes a snapshot of Athena when she leapt off the ceiling fan and landed her big butt dead in Kyo's face). This is better than Rumble Roses and DOA put together. OWW! (Is clothelined by Vice)

Kyo: AHH! Owf! Uh guys... EEP! There's a fucking... vampire right behind you! GACK!

All girls: It's him! The perverted vampire!

Demitri: Greetings ladies, most of you know who I am. And I would like to invite all of you for dinner. May I have a toast of your blood.

Sheena: So that's what this fool is messing around about. He wants blood.

Asuka: If that was what he wanted then I could of provided him some. It's almost time for my cycle anyway. I can make him cups full of the liquid.

Chizuru: You! You're the one who placed this wicked curse on us! We, Exorcists R Us does not appreciate this at all!

Demitri: You fools think you can defeat me? I'm undead.

Athena: It really is an honor to actually meet a real vampire such as yourself but I have a question...

Demitri: Ah. The honor is mine, my psychic beauty. I bet that you're wondering how you can see my body muscles through my suit aren't you?

Athena: No, it's not that, interesting as it may be. I was just wondering... I know it's daylight and all and... and... how the hell can you walk in broad daylight if you're a vampire?

Demitri: Hmm... you have a good point there missy... Oh shit! (Starts to bun into ashes) I've forgotten all about that! I can't! You little jerk! You made me remember that I couldn't wander in the daytime! Damned Capcom had misled me for all these years. They overlooked all the logic! ARGH! (Turns to a pile of ashes)

Chizuru: Well that's one down...

Guy: That was kinda easy. The fool's been ignorant on the fact that daylight can kill him after all these years.

Heihachi: ASUKA! Get the broom and dustpan and sweep up these ashes.

Asuka: Yes sir. (Muttering) You old shit bag.

About several hours later the three ninjas, along with Exorcists R Us and Asuka Kazama were lounging in the den and watching the home theater television screens. Asuka and Sheena was watching a yaoi movie and they finally understood why Dan Hibiki insists on wearing pink. The pink wearing idiot was confessing his love for Tales of Symphonia's tights wearing Lord Yggdrasil. The three Ninja Academy students were watching a Jeepers Creepers/Street Fighter crossover movie, in which Chun Li and her students was trapped in a dojo in fear of a monster accidentally created from NEST's labs. Athena was watching a Disney kiddie movie, knowing damn well that she is too grown for that stuff. And Chizuru sulks in a lone chair, still pissed off that the effects of the Midnight Bliss haven't quite worn off yet.

Asuka: I've should have know that Kyokugenryu wannabe was a faggot. The pink was obvious.

Sheena: Hell, Mithos Yggdrasil was on the other team from the start. He wears too many tights to be a straight man. He makes Vega seem subtle.

Guy: Wow. I never seen such fear on Chun Li's face ever since M. Bison captured her and proposes to marry her.

Kyo: Shit... as big as her legs are, the monster is going to have food for weeks.

Galford: I have to admit, I never thought that there would be an even bigger NEST fuck-up than the Tetsou ripoff, K999.

Athena: (Curious) Funny, I thought I've seen all the classic Disney films. I can't remember what happens at the end of this one..

Kyo: Damn it! They shoot the dog in the final act. Happy?

Athena: (In tears) What? They really murdered Old Yeller? How could they? WAAHH!

Galford: Yeah, and in the Lion King, Mufasa gets killed too. The stampede of wildebeests murdered him as a plot from his brother, Scar. Real tragic. Nakoruru cried when she saw the movie too. Personally, I think kids should avoid some of that Disney stuff.

Asuka: Yeah, don't cha know? The Disney Channel is like HBO/Showtime after dark for kids.

Chizuru: I hate this. This tiny outfit won't come off... (attempts to snatch the outfit off again but another one was right under it)... shit... these movies are crap... (picks up a DVD at random)... great, a Fighter's History flick, probably just as crappy as the game. So Mizoguichi finally gets some koochie? What's up with these Ryu clones getting some booty on these flicks anyway?

Sheena: Ooh, girl look at this! There's a deleted scene with Remy getting involved with Ash Crimson and Adon!

Kyo: The yaoi fans sure does have a vivid imagination... prudes.

Chizuru: I had just about enough of this! We should be out searching for the damn UFO! Not sitting in here chilling and watching these screwy ass movies. (Finally spots the said UFO drifting down a long hallway) Hey! There it is!

Galford: What are we waiting for! Shoot that thing down!

Athena: Right. It's time we settle what's up with it. (Fires a Psycho Ball and gets a direct hit) GOT CHA!

The flying object crashes down, making an ugly pile of metal rubble in the hallway. The gang gathers in front of it, ready to face what ever the hell it was that's operating it. But to their surprise (except Kyo and Guy whom knew something about it) the shadow that emerged from the small destruction was Dr. Wily, Mega Man's arch nemesis for god knows how long.

Dr. Wily: You ignorant infants... Essxccuse Me (Teeth falls out his mouth and he has to pick them back up and put them back in his mouth). As I was saying; you young bastards are interfering my plans of upgrading my ultimate creation.

Kyo: What is it this time, you boring has-been villain? Slice Man? Gas Man? Spoon Man? Popsicle Man? All that's going to happen to them is getting busted up and sent to the junkyard by Mega Man once again. Why won't you just take your old cliche ass to a nursery home and wait until death to knock on your door.

Galford: Yeah, give it up. Your evil army of robots haven't been imposing since part 2.

Asuka: And I certainly hope that you're not talking about that girly ass Zero you plan on keeping in a tube for the next hundred or so years. He make friends with Mega Man anyway.

Dr. Wily: How the hell should you know?

Asuka: I'm a big fan of the Mega Man X series. Plus, this girl Athena is a psychic and tells me so, and I own all the yaoi videos involving X and Zero.

Athena: (Pointing at her head) Yep. I can see the future at times. But I don't know nothing about the X and Zero flicks. (Points at Asuka) That's her specialty.

Chizuru: Anyway, old man... you're through!

Dr. Wily: Guess again, smart-asses! I've already have a creation that has already beaten Mega Man! And if you don't back up off me, it will beat the tar out of you too!

Guy: Ha! Ha! Ha! It's probably one of his cheap ass robots that may take ten tries with the default weapon and three with the weakness weapon to defeat it. (Everyone laughs at Wily).

Wily: While you sods are laughing, I've been living here for years. I have a top secret underground lab right underneath this manor. Since then, I have been working on my greatest creation. Using the latest technology besides those damn operating system and biological weapons, I've created a robot that can absorb the energy of evil fighters for over great distances.

Sheena: Ah, so that means that your dear robot has gained strength from Jinpachi buried underneath this place. This can be a problem...

Athena: I don't like the sound of this.

Wily: Ha! Ha! Ha! Not only that, my robot has also gained strength from even more powerful entities than Jinpachi himself over the years. Shit, I've stolen energy from Geonitz, Neo Dio, Mizuki, Ambrosia, Orochi... and that was just the beginning toots!

Chizuru: Shit... we're in trouble.

Guy: Looks like we have a real fight on our hands.

Wily: Right you are, Bushin boy. People allow me to introduce the robot that destroyed Mega Man and soon help me conquer the world. I present to you... Omega Man!

From where the UFO crashed at, there was a great deal of smog erupting from it. There was a small earthquake and then a new figure came into everyone's view. It was, in fact, Omega Man! Omega Man is an exact robotic replica of Omega Rugal. The mechanical menace even speaks with a digitized voice of the unforgiving hard boss.

Omega Man: I am more than a god, I'm a superstar!

Kyo: Shit! We ARE in trouble! That's an almost exact copy of The Omega Super Cheap Bastard Unbeatable SNK Boss With A Cyber Hand!

Omega Man: Done your packing? Because your life's journey is over! (Hits Guy, Chizuru, and Athena with a Kaiser Wave, knocking them nearly unconscious) HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!

Galford: Here goes nothing! Go Poppy!

Poppy: Rrrwwhuh?

Galford: Damn it Poppy, you're becoming more and more disobedient lately. OUCH! (Is hit by a Reppuken)

Sheena: So this is the infamous SNK Boss Syndrome? You guys should have warned me.

Asuka: Hell, Jinpachi Mishima caught that syndrome too. Cheap old bastard! (Gets hit by a Genocide Cutter along with Sheena)

Guy: This guy is WAY tougher than M. Bison and Akuma put together! I didn't think Shen Long wasn't this tough either! YEOW! (Is picked up in a GodPress)

Heihachi: What's going on here? YAAAAHHH! (Gets slapped by Omega Man)

Omega Man: Repeat after me: I will never face off with a god again. MWUHAHA!HA!HA!HA!HE!HE!HE!

Kyo: Come on man. You don't really want to hurt me, I... URRRGHH! (Is lifted in a max Gigantic Pressure)

Wily: Well friends, what do you have to say about my Omega Man?

The entire gang lay broken and severely injured. The power of Wily's latest robot proved a bit too powerful for them to face against. Wily laughs at our heroes in triumph because he knows he can finally conquer the world with some as indestructible as Omega Man. Meanwhile, Sheena notices a peculiar switch on the back of the robot.

Sheena: What is that? Maybe it's a key to defeating this freak robot.

Wily: I'm the man! I'm the evil genius! Ha! Soon the world will realize that "The Mad Scientist of 1951" is back in action! HA!HA!HA! Plus, no more "Has Been Villain Awards" for me! They really hurt my feelings back in 1989.

Omega Man: Feel the power of Omega Super Cheap Unbeatable Bastard SNK Boss With A Cyber Hand! I am the greatest creation in existence!

Sheena: Guys! I have a plan! Distract that robot!

Guy: That's not a plan, that's a suicide mission!

Sheena: Just do it!

All of the fighters that was able to stand at least, did as they were told. But it was quickly becoming a futile attempt and pretty soon somebody might get killed. Omega Man had even defeated the summon spirits Sheena has sicked at him. As a last resort, the female ninja of Mizuho jumped on to his back and reached for the mystery switch.

Wily: No! Don't touch that, you stupid girl! That's the self destruct switch! Man, I should have removed that fucking switch in the first place!

Omega Man: SELF DESTRUCTION COMMENCING IN: 20 SECONDS...


	9. A Visitors Day From Hell

Ninja Academy. Part 9- A Visitors Day From Hell

The students of the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy are all seated in the main hall, where head trainer Hanzo Hattori has a special announcement to make. They will be hosting a special "Visitors Open Day", where their friends can come to see them, and viewers can get a closer look into the Academy. Hanzo feels his class have earned this, but more importantly, Saisyu convinced him this would make great TV.

Hanzo- Tomorrow, we will be hosting our first annual "Visitors Open Day" at the Academy. You may invite your friends, families or whatever degenerate mutants you like to spend your time with.

Ibuki- Sir, what about Eiji. Excluding me, he has no friends, and no relatives. Who's coming for him.

Hanzo- We've invited the prison rehab officer along to represent him.

Eiji- Aww fuck. Kurtis Styker.

Fuuma- Hey cool, it'll be like a party. With all those girls coming along, I'm bound to hook up with someone. I'd better get my lucky scoring underwear ready.

Raven- Lucky, Fuuma with your luck you'll probably end up with Poison, or a disguised Shang Tsung.

Hanzo- Now, let's get the school ready. You may all dress up in stupidly expensive designer clothing for the occassion if you so wish.

A few hours later, and the Academy is ready for visitors, with drinks and snacks set up in the hall. Hanzo, wearing a tux with his usual mask, has already planned the guided tour of the schools facilities, and many of the class are comparing outfits for the big day.

Mai- What do you guys think of this backless red cocktail dress? Does it make my arse look fat? Do I look just a bit too slutty in it?

Guy- No way, it looks great on you. That goes perfectly with your figure, and red is so you. WOW!

Mai- Hey thanks Guy, I feel great now. But what does Andy think... WAAAH! Why hasn't Andy complimented my sexy style?

Yuki- Aw here we go again. And Guy, I don't think you can wear red and white Reeboks with a suit.

Guy- Why? I love my Reeboks, and I'll wear them when I want. Besides, they're all I have.

Kurenai- Don't know about you guys, but I feel overdressed. (is wearing the classic little black dress. Emphasis on "little") I was going for something seethrough, but Taki said we'd lose the 9pm TV slot if I did.

Kyo- Aren't I just a stud in my white Travolta suit, huh? Shiki, no. Absoloutely not, you can't wear that tomorrow.

Galford- Why can't she! I happen to love her leather skirt, torn vest, boots and spiked belts/bracelets style. She's the Gothic Goddess, it's her look. Besides, Shiki was voted far more popular than you in that TV poll.

Shiki- Yeah, you tell him Galford. I don't need fancy designer clothes to look good. hey Andy, nice tux, but why the cowboy hat? I thought Terry was the Bogard with the hat.

Andy- Glad you asked Shiki. During the party, I'll remove the hat at just the right moment and show off my award winning hair. Hey Mai, looking good in that red dress.

Mai- (in her head) He noticed me! My precious Andy said I looked good! My life is complete!

Guy- I praised her first you bandwagon jumper.

Finally, the big day is here. KTV president Saisyu Kusanagi has arranged for the guests to be driven in a coach, and he himself is among them. Friends from their lives outside of the Academy, as well as people they met through their adventures are present. Visitors include Terry Bogard, Asuka Kazama, Cody, Gato and Vice, Nakoruru and Julia, Yuri Sakazaki, Joe Higashi and others. Also arriving in their own vehicles are Athena Asamiya, Sheena Fujibayasha and Chizuru Kagura, aka Exorcists R Us, and to Eiji's annoyance SWAT officer Kurtis Stryker. The class, along with Hanzo and Taki are waiting outside to greet the visitors.

Terry- So this is what my little brother's signed up for to impress Mai. Interesting.

Cody- Wait, I thought Mai was into Guy now?

Asuka- I can't wait for a closer look inside a real life ninja training school.

Taki- Come in, we've got a lot to show you here at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy. Since we're outside, why don't we start with the assault course.

Round the back of the school is a long, dangerous looking assault/survival course set up by Hanzo. A long winding track with such obstacles as barbed wire, 50ft drops from holes in the ground, mini explosives and other hazards. Hanzo gives a brief explanation of this facility.

Hanzo- Ah yes, I like to give my class a regular workout on this course. Please note that all hazards are real and potentially lethal. I find that gives the students the added motivation to get it right.

Athena- Whoah. And I thought my pop idol coaching was tough.

Hanzo- And over there we have the target range, where we train in the art of shuriken and kunai throwing. A very important skill for a would be ninja hero.

Nakoruru- Hey look. Theres a sliced up Ryu picture in the centre of every target. Now that's a nice touch.

Galford- Yeah, it gives extra incentive to hit the bullseye, the thought of killing Capcom's overrated waste of space.

Ibuki- Preach on Brother Galford. That personality vacuum took up our spotlight in SF3.

Hanzo then turns their attention to a statue he had put up recently of the actress who he named the school after.In her full "Azumi" look and weilding a sword is a life size marble sculpture of the incredibly cute Aya Uteo herself.

Joe- Cool, it's the chick from Azumi.

Hanzo- Yes, she doesn't know it, but she's our mascot. The male students were very excited when this statue went up.

Julia- They're not the only ones, she's as cute as Nakoruru. Almost.

Saisyu- Hey, most of the students are here, but where's the simple minded redhead? You know, uhh, what's his name... Thingbag.

Strider- You mean Fuuma. Tell the truth, I'm not sure. He said he was getting something ready for the party later that would impress us all.

Vice- Impress us all, Fuuma. Oh please. When's that meant to happen, he's hardly a stud like Gato.

Fuuma has snuck into the Exorcists R Us van. He's in search not of their spare underwear, but an ancient forbidden book of magic. The Necronomicon to be precise. He searches through their stuff, books, demon hunting equipment, supernatural artifacts, and yes, underwear. His "grand" plan is to summon up the sexy succubus Morrigan Aensland from the demon world, as his personal escort and date for the party later on. He has realised that most of the other women there either already have partners, won't give him a chance, and in Ibuki's case, a little too young. Plus he knows being seen with Morrigan will impress the other men.

Fuuma- This'll be so cool and the others will be jealous when they see me stepping out with red hot, dirty minded succubus Morrigan. This is my greatest idea ever. We're gonna do it all tonight.

He finds what he is looking for, not the real Necronomicon, but a smaller, more basic, easier to use "Necronomicon For Dummies". Fuuma finds the section on demon summoning and reads through very excited. He carefully avoids the part on summoning Lilith, because underage succubi are just plain wrong and she should never have been allowed to exist.

Fuuma- Oh yes, come to me baby. Now I have to get this right. Here we go, my wild night with Morrigan starts here. Hey, she's a succubus, maybe she'll help me seduce another girl, and I can have a threesome, I can't wait. Now, what do I want her to wear for this visiting day?

As Fuuma prepares his dark ritual, everyone else is walking through the coridoors on the tour. Hanzo turns their attention to Taki's office.

Hanzo- And this is where the lovely Taki, our first aider and therapist works. Here is where our injured students get patched up good as new, or come to have their fucked up little minds sorted out for them.

Taki- I also get more than my fair share of peeping toms, hence the Vietnamese spike trap just behind the door.

Athena- Cool, any more tips for dealing with perverts? I get hassled all the time.

Kyo- Why doesn't that surprise me? With your sexy little school uniform, despite being a little old for school, you are kinda asking for it. (Athena hits him) OWW... I'm just saying... AIIIEEE!

The tour comes to a temporary break as all other females join Athena in giving Kyo a vicious beating on behalf of women everywhere.

Hanzo- Ladies, please. You're kinda holding up the tour, and we have a dojo area where you can carry out your violent assault.

Sheena- Why didn't you say so? Let's go see the dojo, and we can beat Kyo up again there.

Raven- Bad luck Kyo. There's more women here than usual to kick the crap out of you.

Kyo- Aw shit. Not again. Where's Fuuma when I need him? He's usually the first to offend the women.

In the back of the Exorcists van, Fuuma is sitting cross legged in the centre of a pentagram drawn in crayon, wearing a cultists robe. Surrounding him are candles, and he is reading the Necronomicon For Dummies. Fuuma can barely contain his excitement especially as the instructions told him that, since he is summoning Morrigan, she will fulfill his EVERY wish and fantasy, no matter what. A portal opens up, and a woman steps out, but not who Fuuma expects. An evil looking Japanese priestess stands in front of him, Mizuki Rashoushin to be exact, and she's not looking to fulfill his fantasies either.

Fuuma- Huh, you're kinda overdressed for Morrigan. Oh I get it, this is just your opening act, and you'll perform a striptease out of that stupid outfit and reveal your killer curves...

Mizuki- I'm not Morrigan you stupid boy. I hijacked your crappy little summoning ritual to return to your world and cause chaos! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (evil laughter, which all villains must have by law)

Fuuma- (disappointed) So you're not Morrigan. You're not bad looking, and I bet you've got a great body under those robes. You're not Shang Tsung are you? Just checking, 'cause it's happened to me before.

Mizuki- No, I'm not Shang Tsung. And you're not exactly Johnny Cage yourself. Anyway, I'm sick of you now, so you're going to be my first victim.

Fuuma- NO! I summoned you... I get to... (her demonic dog comes out and kills him) Urghhh...

In the dojo, shortly after Fuuma's death, Hanzo'stour continues. Kyo is lying in a battered wreck on the ground, ahving had all the women beat him senseless.

Hanzo- And here we have the dojo, where we train in the hand to hand and weapon combat, which all ninjas must master. We have all the modern facilities, gym equipment, mats, attackable training dummies shaped like annoying idiot child Bao...

Strider- They even have Bao's voice, screaming out as you beat the hell out of them.

Hanzo- Over on that rack is an extensive collection of weapons.

Stryker- Wow, they got katanas, sais, kama scythes, nagitanas, sharpened pinapple slices... huh?

Hanzo- Oh yes, sharpened pineapple slices. Sometimes a ninja must improvise with their choice of weaponary.

Kurenai- He claims to have once killed cyber hearted Village People reject Hsu Hao with one, so insists we train with these stupid things.

Vice- Is that true? Did he really kill the emotionless goon with razor sharp citrus fruit?

Galford- Only 'cause the juice from it caused a short circuit in Mr YMCA's cyber heart, which blew him up.

Hanzo's ninja senses tell him something isn't right. Having fought demons in the past, he and Taki can sense the presence of a very powerful one somewhere in the Academy. Exorcists R Us are also getting negative, demonic vibes.

Hanzo- Guys, something seriously isn't right here. I can feel it.

Saisyu- Who cares? We're doing a tour, and then having a party. Lighten up would you.

Taki- Hanzo's right. It's coming from... Quick! To the Exorcists R Us van!

Chizuru- Our van? We didn't bring any demons, honest! Let's go investigate!

They all run to the van to find the deceased body of Fuuma, still holding the forbidden book for beginners, and a shocked (but still kinda dumb looking) expression on his face. They are surprised that he has a book with long words, rather than a magazine with nude pictures of women.

Athena- Fuuma! I bet he was here to steal my underwear to sell on Ebay! (kicks him repeatedly) DIE!

Taki- Bit late for that girl, he's already dead.. He was killed before we got here, the pool of blood he's lying in should have given that away.

Sheena- Hey! That's our Necronomicon For Dummies! Oh fuck... what have you summoned!

Raven- He's on the page marked "Morrigan: Demonic escort eager to please you in every way", but this doesn't look like her handiwork. It's Fuuma, so he's probably done something horribly wrong.

Saisyu- Look, I'm sure we're all upset that he's dead, but I'm trying to film a special edition of the show here, with a guided tour and party. Can we get on with that?

Yuki- I guess it would help take our minds off it. Whatever happened, this demon's long gone.

Gato- OK, so that's settled. Me and Vice are off to, uhh, to go... (whispers to Vice) Help me out baby.

Vice- That's it. Us two wanted to go and have another look at the storage cupboard. There's a lot of room in there so we can... I mean, because it's really interesting.

Galford- Yeah right, you two are insatiable. Are you sure it's such a great idea to go for it right now?

Mai- Yeah, everyone knows that the couple who sneak off alone for sex usually when there's evil roaming the area always end up dead.

Unfortunately, they do not listen. A little later at the other side of the Academy, Vice and Gato find the large storage cupboard. They climb inside and begin removing each others clothes, unaware that Mizuki has just appeared outside. Like in a million horror movies, the couple making out become early victims before they even really manage to get it on properly. Their bleeding, lifeless, half dressed bodies fall out of the cupboard just as Scorpion approaches. The ninja spectre was hoping to get a sly peek at them going at it.

Scorpion- Huh, what happened? Have they screwed each other to death already. Hey, Shinto priestess person... SHIT! You're that demon everyone's... WHOAAH!

Mizuki- Even being undead won't save you now, DIE! Again that is. Four down, more to go. No rest for the wicked, heh heh. Soon I'll have you all killed and ressurected as mindless zombie slaves, obeying only me!

A portal appears beneath Scorpion's feet, transporting him to who knows where, before he magically falls from high above her, head first. Mizuki's evil pet dog finishes him off, resulting in another death. Wandering the passages in search of her next victim, she sees Chizuru walking around in that akward "I need a piss" manner. Her desperation for a toilet has greatly reduced her usually heightened awareness for the supernatural. The demoness casually walks behind her, and with demonic strength, overpowers her physically weaker opponent. A hand over her mouth stops Chizuru screaming for help from the others.

Mizuki- Got ya! Oh look, a fellow Shinto pristess. Well exorcise this, bitch! Now, let's just get your little neck and...

Chizuru- Mfff! Mmm... (with a sickening crack, Chizuru's neck is snapped with ease, killing her instantly)

Mizuki- That felt good didn't it? Who says magic users can't have fun with brute strength now and again. Now, the others are all in the hall having their dumb little party. All them against little old me is hardly fair, so I'll be needing some backup.

As a result of some dark summoning magic, her demonic minions materialise into passageway alongside Mizuki. Gen-An Shiranui, the claw weilding distant relation to Mai, flying red devil Red Arremer and Drahmin,a fly ridden corpse in a silly green mask all appear. The demonic priestess then begins the ritual to "recruit" the first members of her undead army of darkness. The dead bodies of her victims so far, Fuuma, Vice, Gato, Scorpion and Chizuru all rise up to follow her without question. Physically, they all look normal, with wounds healed up, but they are soulless beings. Following the evil Shinto mlady's lead, they all make their way to the hall for their next assault.

Will Mizuki's evil scheme succeed? Who will be left to stand up against her evil army of darkness? Has Raven ever been female? All this and more will be revealed in the concluding part of this saga, stay tuned!

Note- This was originally going to be one bigger chapter. But I kept coming up with stuff to add what with Mizuki roaming around causing mayhem. I figured it had got just too big for one chapter, so split it into two.

Note 2- To me, Lilith is one of the most disturbing videogame character creations. A succubus is a demoness that uses sex right? Perfectly acceptable for the grown up Morrigan, but an underage kid succubus? Eww, that's taking the whole Japanese fetish for young girls too far for my liking. Lilith is one character I refuse to use in any fanfic work.


	10. Against The Army of Zombies

Ninja Academy. Part 10- It's You, It's Me. Against the Army of Zombies.

In the main hall, on KTV president Saisyu's insistence, the party is starting. There are a few notable absences, not only those who have been killed by Mizuki. Shiki, Guy, Raven and Stryker were barred from entry, the first three for not following Saisyu's stylish designer dress code, the unfortunate riot cop simply for being himself. According to him, they would ruin footage of the party and the beautiful, well dressed people attending, and bring down the all important ratings. Everyone else gets busy with having a good time, a rare day without worrying about training.

Terry- Hey Andy, I've been meaning to ask about that stetson. I'm the Bogard who does hats, not you. Hats are my thing, take it off now.

Andy- I was planning to. (throws the cowboy hat off) Ta daa! New improved extra sleek, silky hair, with all those made up words shampoo adverts use to make their products sound important.

Ibuki- How do you get it so shiny? Can I touch your hair? Please?

Mai- Move it kid, I'm first! (kicks Ibuki across the hall) I am his official sort of love interest, it's only right.

Strider- I think Guy would have something to say about that.

Mai- Shut up, don't disturb me. Running my fingers through Andy's sexy hair.

Terry- Wish I had the same effect on women when my hat came off.

Asuka- Guys, what about that demon that's lurking around the school? The one Fuuma called up?

Saisyu- Leave. You're a cute girl and everything, and I kinda like you, but I won't have you bringing down the atmosphere at my event with your negativity. Get out, now.

Kyo- Come on guys, we're meant to be partying. It's not like we don't deserve this. Let's get the drinks in and celebrate! You gotta fight... for your right... TO PARTY!

Everyone Else- YEAH! PARTY! WHOO HOO! ETC!

As their friends get down and party, the rejects Guy, Shiki, Raven and Stryker sit in the canteen area. Pissed off, they are drinking some stolen beers and having a bitching session about the others. An equally annoyed Asuka finds them and joins in.

Asuka- Uh, excuse me. Can I hang out with you guys? That old fart Saisyu threw me out too.

Raven- Course you can cutie. We're having a bitching session about the others if you wanna join in. Since when is it Saisyu's decision to kick us out anyway, this is our class, not his. Damned if I'm coming in a tux.

Guy- Just 'cause I don't own any more shoes, I'm wearing a suit, shouldn't that be enough? (to Asuka) So what's your story kid. What brings you here with us rejects?

Asuka- Apparently my negativity ruins the party atmosphere.

Stryker- Hey, it's OK for you guys. Me, I'm a front runner for the title of most hated fighter ever. I get this all the time.

About an hour later, the partygoers are preoccupied by drinking, food, conversation, crappy dancing, flirting etc, so everyone forgets about the demonic priestess until she appears in the centre of the hall. In her hands, she is holding the bodies of the newly killed Eiji and Yuki. Terry tries to attack her, but finds himself magically transported to the same dimension Scorpion previously was, before he comes crashing down on his cranium right into a drinks table. Most of the students and guests are already quite drunk, so are unsure what to make of the demoness.

Kurenai- What the... she just killed our friends! Who the hell are you bitch!?

Hanzo- Mizuki!? How did you escape from the... Fuuma. He's really done it this time.

Galford- Oh fuck, I remember you from back in the day. Another super cheap SNK boss. So what, this is your next shot at a big comeback?

Cody- Athena, how come your phsycic powers didn't track her down before?

Athena- Sorry guys. I've had a bit to drink, and I'm not used to alcohol at all.

Saisyu- You may be an SNK boss, but that doesn't impress me. I'm Saisyu Kusanagi, president and owner of KTV, and you are not attending my party dressed like... (is hit by a magic spell) AIIIEEE... Oink Oink.

Kyo- DAD!? She turned you into a pig!? WHY... heh heh. That is pretty funny. Ha ha... OK, I'll shut up.

Mizuki- Well, it would have been too predictable if I'd transformed the policeman, wouldn't it. I'd like to thank your idiot friend for providing me with a way out of the demon world. With you as my ever obedient zombie army, I shall be so much closer to destroying everything in your entire world.

Strider- But why do you want to destroy the world anyway? Most megalomaniacs want to invade it, which in my humble opinion makes more sense.

Taki- Son, don't try and reason with her. She's insane, like all demons.

Mizuki- Just for a giggle really. Spending centuries trapped in the demon world gets kinda dull you know, not even long detailed RPG sessions or can pass that amount of time.

Eiji- And what gives you the idea that we're going to volunteer to be your undead zombie army Missy?

Mizuki- There's nothing voluntary about this. Think of it as conscription, you'll be dead, so there'll be no arguments from you. Guys, you can come in now.

Her zombies all burst through the door, followed by Gen-An, Red Arremer and Drahmin. To make things worse, Mizuki has used the time the heroes were distracted to ressurect Terry, Eiji, Yuki and the now non piggy Saisyu to join her ranks. Everyone still alive is now very worried, things have turned to shit very quickly for them all.

Mai- No way, this isn't fucking fair! I can't hurt Terry, he might be my future intended brother in law! Those are our friends she's zombified! She can keep Fuuma though.

Gen-An- Mai, say hi to your great uncle Gen-An. Not like you visited me in hell for twenty damn years!

Andy- Wait, that green thing there might be related to me one day when we get together!? Eww.

Nakoruru- Guys, what are we gonna do? Even on her own Mizuki's really tough, but now...

Mizuki- But now I'm unstoppable! Ha ha ha ha! Now get ready to join your pals as part of my army of darkness! Kill them! Kill them all!

Red Arremer- Oh you're done for now humans! We're gonna slaughter you!

Mizuki is a hugely cheap case of SNK Boss Syndrome on her own, so with her demon allies, the zombified puppets, plus her demon dog to back her up, she quickly gains the upper hand. The fight goes horribly for the ninjas and guests, even Exorcists R Us cannot help much. They are an exorcist short, and can't access to their equipment. Over at the canteen, the kicked out rejects can hear all of this, but are unsure of what to make of it at first. It is only the painful sounds of screaming and an inhuman,yet feminine laugh that makes them realise something is very wrong indeed.

Stryker- Wait a sec... I hear screaming. Either they're enjoying themselves too much and wanna rub our faces in it or...

Shiki- Or that demon from the Necronomicon For Dummies has found them and is kicking their butts.

Guy- I hear flesh being ripped. I think there's been some deaths. Do you think we should investigate? Hold on, the screamings mostly died down now. Oh fuck...

Raven- Shiki, you're into the occult. That Necronomicon For Dummies. Does it have ways to reverse summonings?

Shiki- No, it's the very basics. The real Necronomicon has much more power, but I don't have it. I think my guru friend Dhalsim has it though.

Asuka- You mean the weird, stoned yoga master living in the forest? Let's go see if he can help us.

Guy- Whatever we're doing, I think we'd better do it fast.

While they leave the Academy in Stryker's SWAT van to search of the weird old Dhalsim of the forest, Mizuki and her minions have suceeded in killing everybody in the hall. She has everyone's souls trapped inside a small glass container, and the priestess is in the middle of a dark ritual to ressurect the latest bodies, and control them like puppets. The victims already under her evil spell just stand there listlessly, as zombies they cannot do anything without Mizuki's command.

Mizuki- Soon, I will have a whole army of ninja zombies, and others too at my beck and call. With them following my every order, and my own power, this world will be doomed to destruction. That'll be fun.

Gen-An- Hey wait. I've seen this Ninja Academy show, not all of them are dead. There's a few still alive somewhere.

Red Arremer- Greenie's right. The Wesley Snipes wannabe, the Final Fight Guy and the sexy ninja goth. Where are they?

Mizuki- Well I can't feel they're presence in the building anywhere. Get my witches crystal ball set up, (the other demons do so) Hmm, they're out in the forest, with two other guests. Red Arremer, you've got the wings. Fly out to the forest and hunt them down for me, there's a good little demon minion.

Red Arremer- Will do ma'am. (taunting Gen-An and Drahmin) I'm her favourite minion, so screw you guys.

Drahmin- I hate that little brown noser.

As the sycopantic demon flies outside, in the forest, the survivors of Mizuki's assault pull over outside Dhalsim's hermit's cave. Because it's Dhalsim's cave, there is a large elephant outside the doorway. As Shiki already knows the rubbery Indian yoga man, she leads the others inside, where the small space is clouded with dope smoke and incense. Strange mystical books and artifacts clutter the cave, and old 60's prog rock plays in the background. Dhalsim himself sits floating in the air in front of them, staring into space.

Stryker- Is he even aware that we're here? Or is he too drugged up to...

Dhalsim- Welcome strangers... Oh it's you Shiki, hi. Should have said you were coming, I'd have got a takeaway. Why don't you introduce me to your friends.

Shiki- Hi Dhalsim. These two are my friends from Ninja Academy, Guy and Raven. The others are Asuka and Stryker, to be honest I've only just met them myself, but they seem cool. Anyway, we badly need your help.

Dhalsim- Raven huh. Last time I saw you, you were a female goth like Shiki. (Raven looks very confused)

Shiki- Wrong Raven. (to Raven) He means my friend from high school. She entered the Twisted Metal contest driving a hearse. We didn't have any other friends, so were into the goth and occult scenes.

Stryker- If Twisted Metal Raven's cute, could you introduce me to her sometime?

Guy- Anyway, we need to borrow your copy of the Necronomicon. The real one, not the Necronomicon For Dummies. Our stupid friend summoned up a demon, the rest of the Academy are really in the shit right now.

Dhalsim- Ah, you seek the Necronomicon. The ancient, unholy book of evil, wrapped in the dried skin of a Shotoclone. My yoga mind powers, plus the stressed looks on your faces tell me that your friend has fucked up big time...

Asuka- What the hell is that thing!? There, flying straight for us, some kinda devil!

Red Arremer- Found you! Time to die! Mizuki's gonna be so proud of me, and the others will be so jealous when she gives me a promotion.

Red Arremer swoops for the kill, coming straight for them. First he hits Asuka, which has the same effect as the old Ghouls And Ghosts game. She is slightly hurt, but worse, finds herself stripped down to her underwear, which is a far more appealing sight than Arthur in his boxers. Flying back into the sky, he starts spitting out flames at his targets.

Asuka- My clothes have disappeared! AAAAHHH! (blushes, and tries to hide her near nudity)

Stryker- Relax girl, you've still got your bra and panties. (thinking) Wow, that beats tubby, beardy little Arthur in his boxer shorts any day. She should definetly be the next Ghouls And Ghosts heroine.

Dhalsim- Don't mean to harrass you guys, but that little monster is spitting flames in my cave. He's just ruined my Persian rug. Do you mind being quick about destroying him please?

Raven- Look, we're getting to that. Keep your hair on... Oh right, sorry. You haven't got any hair.

Guy- Not like you've moved out of that yoga floating position at all to lend a hand.

A well timed Bushin Spin Kick from Guy drops him to the ground, and Raven jumps the winged demon before it can get up again. Dhalsim opens the book and uses an ancient spell to banish Red Arremer back to the demon world, causing him to disintegrate in a beam of bright light.

Asuka- That'll teach you to make my clothes disappear. Uhh, anyone got anything I can borrow?

Stryker- So is that it then. Is that our powerful demon?

Dhalsim- Not even close, that was just a minion. No, the real threat is back in the school, ressurecting your deceased friends to do god knows what. Take the Necronomicon and send her back to hell. But I want it back in good condition when you're done. If you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy this Dominican hash in peace.

Raven- Wait, you're not coming with us? A mystic backing us up would be really useful right now.

Dhalsim- I'm actually supposed to be on a day off today. You know, I liked you better as a girl Raven.

Guy- Look, he's never been female. Not even when him and Fuuma dressed up as Mature and Vice for a bet one time. Aw just foget it. Let's go kick some more netherworld arse.

Asuka- Guys, I can't really go demon busting in my bra and panties. Come on, someone must have a coat at least. (looks around hopeful, but no one has any spare clothes) A towel perhaps? Damn.

Dhalsim- Good luck on your mission. (smokes from his bong pipe) Ahh yeah, that's some good shit there...

Carrying the real Necronomicon, the five survivors leave Dhalsim's cave and head back to the demon infested school. Inside, Mizuki has succeeded in ressurecting the deceased ninjas and visitors from death, and is having fun manipulating her new zombies. An undead Hanzo is carrying a silver drinks tray, and serving her champagne, while an equally mindless Mai fans Mizuki with her own trademark weapon. Most of the others are also doing menial tasks for the benefit of the demonic priestess. Because of this, she has failed to see that the surviving ninjas and their friends are coming until they reach the coriddors.

Mizuki- Hanzo would you top my glass up just a... (looks into her crstal ball) DAMN! SHIT! It's them, Red Arremer must have failed! Gen-An, Drahmin, kill them all! Go! Slaughter them!

Gen-An- Why us? Why don't you get up off your butt, this is your evil scheme after all.

Mizuki- Dammit, do as I say! Or you'll find yourselves back in hell with the greatest hits of Daphne and Celeste for the next century!

Drahmin- "Gulp". Well, since you put it that way, we'd love to go out and murder them for you...

Mizuki- Besides, I'm enjoying myself far too much with the undead slaves. I've been stuck in the demon world for centuries, I need to pamper myself. Now you zombie Galford, come here and massage my back.

Gen-An and Drahmin do as they're ordered, on threat of shitty teenybopper music. They meet the heroes in the passage leading up to the main hall, and the two groups get ready to rumble, Asuka still stripped down to her underwear.

Drahmin- There they are. (seeing Asuka) And they've brought a stripper with them, how nice. Now remember. Mizuki wants their dead bodies in good enough condition for ressurection.

Gen-An- It's slice and dice time humans! (to Asuka) Ooh, cute teen jailbait, and what a body for someone so young. Maybe if I ask nicely, Mizuki will let me play with you after ... WAAAAHHHHHHH!

Asuka- DIE! I'm not taking any more crap from perverts, not from my possible Grandad Heihachi, NO ONE!

Asuka punches him hard, sending the mutant flying across the passage. Gen-An hits a wall on the other side, and is knocked unconcious.

Guy- What's that stink... (sees Drahmin, with the flies buzzing around his rotting corpse body) Oh, right. Well I'm not touching him. That's gross that is. When did you last shower, and what's with that green Scooby Doo mask?

Drahmin- RAAH! It's not a Scooby Doo mask! I'll beat your brains out boy! (swings his iron club at Guy)

Stryker- I'll deal with this one. This calls for some heavy duty firepower.

As no one wants to actually touch the rotting, fly ridden Drahmin, Stryker throws a grenade at him from a safe distance. Before the demonic duo can recover, Shiki reads from the same Necronomicon passage Dhalsim did to banish them back to the demon world. When they are disposed of, the five good guys burst into the main hall, where Mizuki is in the midst of a relaxing massage from Galford, while others obediently run around waiting on her hand and foot.

Raven- Fuck me, she's really living the high life here. Hanzo serving drinks, Mai fanning her, Strider feeding her chocolates, Kurenai holding up a TV with "At Home With Hinako" reruns, a massage from Galford...

Shiki- Guys, snap out of it! You're demeaning yourselves here! Galford, stop that massage, she's old and I bet she's got really bad cellulite! Shit, what has she done to you all?

Mizuki- They're dead girlie. They're my mindless toys now to play with as I see fit, obeying only me. And you'll be my latest additions. Well, maybe not the cop. Don't like him, he sucks and has no sense of style.

Guy- Mizuki, before we banish you back to hell, I'm kinda curious. Fuuma was trying to summon Morrigan as his escort for the night. How did he end up with an evil old lady like you instead?

Mizuki- Now there's a tale. As Morrigan was about to leave the demon world through magic, I saw my chance to escape and take my vengance on your world. So Iambushed her, left the demon world, and used my magic to damn that slutty succubus to a christian chastity program. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Stryker- That's it, you're evil villainess speech is wearing real thin! AIIIEEEE! Get off me you filthy...

As Stryker is about to shoot the priestess with his machine gun, her demonic pet dog appears and savages him. As the dog claws and bites violently at his body, Shiki uses her knives to skewer right through it's body, killing it for now at least. This sends the evil Shinto lady into a violent rage. Mizuki now has the mind controlled classmates and guests attack her enemies, which they do so en masse.

Mizuki- Kill them! Hurt them real bad! Beat them to death my mindless little puppets! Then after that you can all go back to pampering me, your Queen again. Won't that be fun?

Guy- How can we stop them!? ARGH! We can't kill them, they're already dead, plus they were our friends!

Shiki- Guys, I don't know how much longer we can last... AAAHH!

Mizuki- Yes, that's it! Finish them off! Beat 'em down, there's only five of them!

Our remaining heroes are getting pummelled pretty badly by the big group of zombies, while Mizuki watches, laughing. It all seems hopeless until Raven spots the glass container holding their souls. He and Shiki, still carrying the Necronomicon manage to break away from the brawl.

Raven- OWW, we're getting the crap beat out of us. What's this? Hey look, I can see Fuuma's soul trapped inside, and Taki's and Andy's and Ibuki's, everyone's soul is stuck in here. Shiki, got an idea! Find the bit in the Necronomicon about giving them their souls back, the rest of you keep the zombies busy!

Asuka- That's hardly fair, why do we have to get our butts kicked while you... (zombies pile in) AAAAHH!

Raven- Because I'm the man with the plan, and Shiki's got the magic book. OK, here goes. Ready Shiki!?

As Shiki flicks through the forbidden book, and their friends get battered by the relentless onslaught of the undead, Raven throws the container onto the floor. The glass shatters, freeing the trapped souls which now fly around the room. Using another of the Necronomicon's spells, Shiki is able to send each soul back to it's original body, ressurecting her friends and freeing them from Mizuki's control. Needless to say, the former zombie slaves are all VERY pissed off. Now they are free, they all join their friends in attacking their tormentor, all piling in at once to give her a good kicking

Mizuki- Get back, you're meant to be my slaves... Oh shit, you've got a Necronomicon! OWW! Why didn't someone tell me you had a real one!? AAAH! OUCH! Get off me you... AIIIEE! NOOOOOOO!

Shiki- Get her, kick the shit out of her! Keep going, I'm gonna send her back to hell now.

She reads what sounds like meaningless nonsense from the Necronomicon, but in reality it is very powerful meaningless nonsense. A much bigger, brighter light than those used to banish her minions engulfs Mizuki,and she slowly disintegrates, screaming in pain and anger until she disappears completely. The formerly dead good guys take this time to recover from their ordeal, and try and make sense of strange memories from their brief time as the demoness's puppets.

What will our ninjas in training come up against next during the course of their time at the Aya Uteo Ninjitsu Academy? Keep it under your hats, but they might just find themselves up against a rival Academy pretty soon. All will be revealed in the near future, but right now I need a rest. This one's turned out longer than I thought, which is why it's split into two parts. Hope you enjoyed it.

Note- The female "Raven" I was referring to was one of the drivers in Twisted Metal: Black. She was a rather cute goth chick who drove a hearse called Shadow.

Note 2- I took the title of this chapter from the song Army of Zombies by Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards.

Note 3- What, you want more?! I got nothing else for ya, go on, out! Nothing to see here! Move along!


	11. Mysterious Sect

Ninja Academy Part 11: Mysterious Sect

After the violent aftermath of Mizuki's invasion, a huge cleanup crew was called to do repairs. Most of her victims couldn't exactly remember how they were killed but they did remember seeing Mizuki before she blacked them out. KTV owner, Saisyu Kusanagi, is very pissed about the damages and he really wants to vent his anger out on someone. And that someone is none other than his own son. It's hell to pay, poster boy, and this time he didn't even did shit to piss Saishu off.

Saisyu: I blame you for all of this, son. I just do. I put millions into this show and I don't want to spend a yen more for it. And what do you think how much more money I'll spend with the damages? Shit, this isn't going to be pretty.

Kyo: Hey dad, why blame all this on me like some little self destructive bitch, huh? I know it was my idea to film the exploits of a ninja institution but laying the blame on me is ridiculous. This show already has a spectacular rating in just mere weeks. I know the viewers are going to appreciate this far more than "At Home With Miss Hinako".

Saisyu: Shut that shit up, boy! I don't want to hear it.

Asuka: Mr. Kusanagi, at least you can lay off of him. Everyone's back in one piece.

Saisyu: What the hell!? A jailbait in only her skivvies? And the brat is trying to reason with me as well? Kid, you know damn well that I'm gonna just stare at your breasts during the while that you are in front of me. Why won't you just go back to Mr. Big's Lap-Dancing Club or something?

Asuka: (Receiving Kyo's jacket and a stolen miniskirt of Yuki from him) Thank you. Now what did you just say? If it weren't for us you would have still be wandering in the afterlife.

Saisyu: The afterlife? Bah! It wasn't so bad. I was beating Geese Howard, Charlie Nash, and Jedah in a game of spades. All the while Jedah was telling us that Orochi will bring the end of the world in the form of a pitbull.

Athena: The afterlife... (scared) I'd seen horrible, horrible things.

Kurenai: What, are you kidding me? That shit was fun. There were thousand of virile men in red pajamas gang-banging me. And the pinch forks felt good too. Now if only Johnny Cage was there...

Athena: I see now that I'm not that innocent. After having a sample of what I may be going to in the end, I really need to delve deeper in my religion. That place was scary, indeed.

Galford: You went to the underworld? Athena, you must have been a very NAUGHTY girl.

Terry: That's some creepy shit. The most of us went inside Mizuki's boring ass soul container.

Kyo: So you're going to blame our visits to the afterlife on me as well?

Saisyu: Now that you put the idea in my head... yeah.

Kyo: You are a fucking hypocrite, dad! What the heck did mom ever saw in you?

Saisyu: She saw a real man in me. That's what she saw in me. Something that you never would be.

Kyo: You know what? You can shove this party and shove it in a place that doesn't shine for all I care. I'm heading out to clear my head. I don't need to hear you whine all damn night. (Turns to leave)

Saisyu: Well good riddance! Maybe this party will be far more enjoyable without you anyway.

Kurenai: Hey Kyo, maybe I should come along with you (Snatches of her party dress in typical anime fashion, which was hiding her ultra skimpy red kimono). I hate this dress now. The fabric of this thing makes my big arse itch. Guess I won't be blowing cash on designer clothes with Mai and Yuki anytime soon.

Saisyu: Say, what the hell is this? You're crazy about my boy too?

Kurenai: It's not that kind of ball game, old man. I'm just going to cheer him up. My way. (Follows)

Terry: Well... this is highly peculiar? Yuki's gonna be pissed.

Strider: Who cares? Those two are almost always fighting each other anyway.

Terry: You're right. Say, let's resume our party and drink our body weight in alcoholic drinks. What do you say?

Strider: Sounds like a plan to me.

As the majority of the party resume after the incident, our poster boy was wandering in the forest outside the academy. Kyo decided to hand around in the wilderness in order to keep down the urge to stick his shoes up in Saisyu's arse. Unknown to him, a seemingly concerned Kurenai is silently following him. So, as a sort of warning to those that are reading this, there could be some cheesy chemistry ahead. KEY WORD: **Could be.**

Kyo: Damn that old punk father of mine. He thinks he can just prance around and blame things on me that wasn't even at all my fault. He's going to get his. See that I would care about him when he starts living in a retirement home.

Kurenai: (To herself) Hmm. That guy really has an issue right about now. Maybe toying him would be something to do to pass the time. It's a heck of a lot better than that party going on.

Kyo: Shit, this is all really Fuuma's fault! He's the one that caused all the chaos. I don't see Saisyu jumping down his throat.

Unknown to Kyo, the red Shotoclone ninja is indeed being punished for his actions. He was suspended from the Academy for a few days. Now, the red goofball is in the forest as well, sulking maybe. That is, until he catch a glimpse of Kurenai... alone. Now, unknown to Kurenai, she is being trailed by Fuuma.

Fuuma: (To himself) So, the Red Ninja's all alone in these neck of the woods, eh? I guess she misses me already. I'm the real hunk of the Ninja Academy anyway. Maybe we can both get naked and do the Jason's Lyrics thing? That would be cool.

Kurenai: Oh, what the heck? I have nothing else better to do. I'll go on ahead and screw the poster boy. Besides, I haven't had any in hours. (A pair of hands suddenly squeezes her butt) AAIIIEE! What the!!? Fuuma!! What the hell are you doing!?

Fuuma: Hey don't act like that, Kurenai! With the way that short skirt of yours keeps sliding up your arse like that you were kind of asking for a groping. ARGH!! (Kurenai slaps him)

Kurenai: You lay off my behind, boy. Do it again and I swear that you'll have a rude awakening tomorrow morning. Starting off with your dick missing...

Fuuma: Okay! Okay! My bad!! So, what brings you here to the forest all by yourself? You miss me or something?

Kurenai: What are you freaking kidding me! Everyone at the academy is still pissed off at you! Hanzo thinks that suspending you from the academy for a couple of days was pure mercy. The guy wanted to outright murder you.

Fuuma: Fuck him. So, now that we're both alone in the middle of the greenery... what do you want to do? I know you have something on you mind. Don't be shy, toots.

Kurenai: I have something on my mind but it has nothing to do with you. Is that what you really wanted to know?

Fuuma: Aw man! You're not nearly as fun as you look. C'mon Kurenai, let's come up with some sort of compromise here. If not, I'm just gonna let the cat out of the bag. I know a very interesting secret about you. Something that you rather take to the grave with you.

Kurenai: Oh? What do you mean by that? Tell me.

Fuuma: Shang Tsung was among one of the people that was banging you in the dorms the other night. You'll have to forgive me.

Kurenai: What!? Man, you have to be straight out joking! You are, right?

Fuuma: I kid you not, my friend. Because I was there.

Kurenai: Why you!!

Fuuma: No, I didn't mean that! I was doing the filming!

Kurenai: Oh, you was? (Realization dawns on her) Why you!!

While Kurenai begins stomping a mud hole in Fuuma's arse, our poster boy heard the ruckus and found out that it was them. He is slightly surprised to see Kurenai around and not back at the visitor's day party. Knowing her, she can make a killing using her seduction technique on the men. He also saw Fuuma, being damn near buried in the ground. While Kurenai had the right idea, Kyo couldn't help but feel sorry for the moronic shotoclone ninja, because mostly everyone else at the party wants to kill him for the incident.

Kyo: So you two decided to join me in a sulking session, huh?

Kurenai: Huh? Oh! Kyo, what a pleasant surprise to meet you here. I'm here because I think I may have left a pair of panties or tampons out around here. Hehe... it's not that I'm following you or anything like that... hehehe.

Kyo: Girl, you just made me even more suspicious.

Fuuma: Kurenai, now that you mentioned it, I did found a pair of your panties after you had a orgy with Nightmare.

Kurenai: Heheheh... I showed the Azure Knight the true meaning of 'deep' darkness. (Realizes something) Hey! How did you know about that, Fuuma!?

Fuuma: I got it all on tape. I made a killing off of it when I sold it to Cervantes and his ship crew.

Kurenai: And I thought that I was good at the art of stealth. Sheesh!

Kyo: You two are a trip. I mean-- INCOMING!!

All of a sudden, a sort of razor hat came out of nowhere, which Fuuma was almost the victim of the killer weapon. Kurenai gets into a stance... but it's not really one suited for battle. Kyo prepares himself for battle, thinking toasting anyone to a crisp may lift his mood. To the three people's surprise, Kurenai is suddenly grabbed from behind in a painful headlock.

Fuuma: Whoa! What the hell is going on here?

Kyo: A fight, you dickhead! That's what's the fuck going on!

Kurenai: You two quit assing around and come over here and help me! Shit! This headlock hurts like a bitch!

???: Halt! Hold your horses!

Kyo: Huh?

Fuuma: What? Who blew the whistle?

???: You can let go of the ninja girl, Ryoko. They don't seem to be a problem. They cool.

Fuuma: Hey, I think I've seen you before... back in 93.

Out of the shadows came Mortal Kombat legend, Kung Lao. He commands the mysterious girl whom had Kurenai in a choke hold to release her, to the Red Ninja's immense relief. Kung Lao was the guy that was responsible for nearly lopping off Fuuma's head with the hat just now. The girl that had Kurenai in the hold was World Heroes' notorious Judo Queen, Ryoko Izumo AKA: The Tiny Titan.

Kung Lao: Sorry about all that. We thought that you were the guys from the reality show 'Who Wants To Be A Shotoclone'. Although, the guy in red makes me wonder if he is.

Fuuma: Hey!! I always get bullshit sayings like that!

Kyo: It wouldn't be so if you just come at em a little more original, Fuuma. Sorry to have to let the cat out of the bag on ya.

Kurenai: Damn my head hurts.

Ryoko. My bad, little lady. You'll live toots.

Kurenai: Toots!? (Looks violated)

Fuuma: Hey Ryoko! I remember you. The tiny judo kid from the tournament years ago. We used to team up and whoop Hanzou's ass. Although, I don't see why in the fuck you fell in love with him in the first place. He's a loser! I tell ya! A LOSER!!

Ryoko: Hey, I remember you too... um, what's your name again? Fuck-up or something like that?

Fuuma: What the!? Do I look like Dan Hibiki to you!?

Ryoko: Just kidding. So how's life treating you lately? Have you ever gotten into Janne's breeches yet. That girl is hell with the well. I had a hard time with her...

Kyo, & Fuuma: What did you just say?

Kung Lao: She's bisexual, guys. You know, shit hasn't been the same since the turn of the new millennium and crap like that.

Kyo & Fuuma: Cool! We're not complaining.

Kurenai: Men...

Ryoko: I know, right?

Kurenai: Get away from me you bull dagger!

Ryoko: Hey hey! Don't be like that. Once you ride in both lanes, your choices become limitless! You should try a woman at least one in your life. You don't know what you're missing!

Kurenai: Uh... I'll pass

Ryoko: If you say so.

Kyo: Now that's settle, what's up with 'Who Wants to Be A Shotoclone'? I hate shotoclones too, but you don't see me trying to murder every last one of them. As much as I love the idea, I admit.

Kung Lao: I agree. There's a camp not too far from hear and me and my comrades are planning a raid on the set. I'm doing a MAJOR favor for viewers who are still sane, honest. I rather watch 'At Home With Miss Hinako' than that bullshit show. The others, Lucky, B.B. Hood, Smoke, Noob Saibot, and Enigma are spying on the camp even as we speak.

Kyo: So... you wanna break off some shotoclones eh? This will definitely brighten my mood. Count me in.

Fuuma: But isn't Kanzuki Telecasting company sponsoring that show? The security will damn sure enough be heavy.

Kung Lao: You guys shouldn't worry! You're ninjas. Espionage shouldn't be any problem to you guys right?

Kyo: Technically, I'm not a ninja. But I think I have an idea on how to deal with the security around there. I used to mess around with Karin Kanzuki a while back. Maybe I can fuck her like in the good old days and convince her to cancel the show.

Ryoko: Now that could be a problem, pretty boy.

Kyo: What do you mean?

Kung Lao: That show, sadly, has a very high TV rating. All the Capcom Fanboys and Fangirls are crazy about it. If that show gets cancelled then all those fans will get suspicious. The show just can't go up and in smoke in front of them like that.

Kyo: I see... So that means that we gonna really have to strategize about our attack on them.

Fuuma: I got it! Maybe I can show them a real dragon punch! That'll teach em!

Ryoko: Fuuma... I'm sorry that I have to admit this but, you go over there if you want to, you're gonna get your ass kicked. Just like Hanzou used to do back in the days.

Kurenai: Maybe I can distract them by seducing them and having sex with the male. That would work... would it?

Kyo: If those wannabes are anything like Ryu, then you're wasting your charms, Kurenai. I bet they're just as emotionless. They won't even get a hard on from peeping at your titties.

Kurenai: Damn, it's like that? It's kind of scary if you ask me.

Kung Lao: Okay, let's be off. We're going to meet up with the others.

Back at the visitation day party, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves without worry. Well, except Yuki... she's becoming worried about Kyo, and, more importantly, where Kurenai had disappeared to. The fact that the sexy half dressed assassin suddenly dismissing herself made Yuki all the more suspicious. She attempts to spark up some girl talk and gets into a conversation with Asuka. Then again, she's probably wondering why the hell she has on Kyo's jacket... and one of her miniskirts.

Yuki: You there! Kazama girl, c'mere and let me holler at you for a moment.

Asuka: Oh. You're Kusanagi's girlfriend, right? Is there something I can help you with? (Earns a peculiar look from Yuki) Hey-hey! I'm sorry if I got you on edge. I had to get on some clothes that can fit me. I got hit by Red Arremer you know?

Yuki: Um... That annoying goblin thing-a-ma-bob from Ghouls and Ghost?

Asuka: Right. That red bastard that can easily frustrates the hell out of you.

Yuki: Well, just for that I can certainly forgive you. You just be a bit more careful next time because I don't want to see you wearing one of my skirts again.

Asuka: Ho hum... If you say so.

Before things can get pretty ugly between the two girls, Kyo's mother, Shizuka Kusanagi came into the scene. She just entered the party mere moments ago and she had yet to see any signs of her son. Now a tad worried, she thinks that the box of chocolate cookies she baked for her son will get cold. But as luck may have it, she spots her 'so-called' daughter-in-law among the crowd. What the fuck's Yuki doing in a ninja academy, she didn't know but hell... she wasn't complaining.

Shizuka: Yuki, fancy seeing you here.

Yuki: Oh shit... it's Mrs. Kusanagi. Ahem... (To Shizuka, in a too sugary sweet voice) Mother-in law! How are you today?

Shizuka: I'm just fine, thank you. Have you seen my boy around here? He called me the other night and told me to come and see him on visitation day. But he is nowhere to be seen. Oh well... he could be busy right this moment. I'm afraid these cookies I brought him will get cold.

Yuki: That's too bad. All I know that he and his dad got into it.

Shizuka: AGAIN? It's just like those two. Acting all childish. My goodness... that's what I get for marrying a younger man. I made these cookies in vain.

Eiji: Oh, that can be arranged Mrs. Kusanagi.

Shizuka: Eiji. I'm delighted to see you here. Last time I heard, you were sentence to 40 years in a maximum security prison with no parole.

Eiji: Uh... it's not so bad... I never get raped. Thank god. Because I killed the fools that even get the idea in their heads. But Mrs. Kusanagi, a fair warning: don't say that aloud ever again or I'll have to kill you.

Shizuka: Oh, that's Eiji for you. He has that crazy sense of humor like his mother did. You want these cookies? My son isn't here to enjoy them.

Eiji: Really!? I haven't tasted your cooking in years. (Snatches box) Thanks a lot. Nobody never comes to bring me stuff at the prison.

Yuki: EIJI! C'mon man, you got to learn how to share! I want some cookies too!

Eiji: Share these nuts!! (Disappears)

Shizuka: Oh my... things never change.

Elsewhere, outside the set of ill-famous TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Shotoclone', the gates are being guarded by oh-so-tough guards. Kung Lao and his Sect has already set up some semblance of a plan. To initiate this, they send Kyo out in the opening. Since he is a TV icon, it is doubtful that there would be any hassles on his way to a 'business meeting' with Kanzuki Telecasting mogul, Karin Kanzuki. Oh yeah... for those of you who are curious as to find out who the toy cops...err, I mean, tough bodyguards are Chun Li, Soul Caliber's Chai Xianghua and tomboyish Cassandra of the same said franchise.

Cassandra: I'm bored as hell. Why the hell did I apply for this job anyway? Oh yeah... the high pay. That's right.

Xianghua: If you weren't offered such high pay for this job you wouldn't even looked this way, right?

Cassandra: You know me too well, girl. Mentally, at least, but not in the battlefield. That's why you had your ass handed to you on our last duel.

Xianghua: That last win for you was pure luck and you know it! I was distracted by the wandering eyes of the male spectators.

Cassandra: Yeah right. It was a mistake to make you the main protagonist... then it was an even bigger mistake for making you a convincing fan service character.

Xianghua: HEY! I had to mature somehow!

Chun Li: You girls should know better. The industry will always exploit us. Why, look at me years ago. I was actually scared of all that attention that I was getting.

Xianghua: Whoa! You're right! That was in the history books! I mean, back then... you were like the first season of I Love Lucy of the fighting series world. Some say it was cute then but have footballer's thighs are not considered sexy. That's why you were throw away like yesterday's trash so soon.

Chun Li: What did you say? You... you hyperactive child in a relatively grown woman's body!? I wouldn't talk if I were you. You have a romantic interest in an angst stricken femboy. What the heck's up with that?

Xianghua: Oh? You're one to talk, old timer! What the hell you call Ryu as a romantic interest? I mean c'mon! The guy's never seen any female's genitalia since he came out of his mother's womb. Let be real! The guy wouldn't even get a hard on even if I sat on him bucked-naked.

Cassandra: If anything, that would disgust men.

Xianghua: Who freakin' asked you!? You're just mad because you're still in your sister's shadow. So don't say anything slick about my good looks.

Chun Li: Would you two grow up? Uh... forget I said that, that's kind of hard for you to do. We've been hired as guards here for the time being. We're not here to fuss among each other like old maids.

Cassandra: The only old maid here is you!

Xianghua: Yeah. Shut the hell up you has-been!

Chun Li: That's it! Time to teach you girls how to respect your elders... Yaa Tai!!!

Xianghua: Bring it, you cottage cheese legged hussy!

Cassandra: What you gonna do huh!!? Go for your nasty ass Spinning Bird Kick and fuck around and land on your neck?

Xianghua: Go back to the strip club in Hong Kong whence you came!

Chun Li: You idiots! I'm going to kill the both of you!!

Just as the guards were about to kill each other, Kyo came into the scene just as planned. He was disguised in a business suit. He would take the privilege of enjoying the catfight but the guy had things to do. The Known Unknown have to initiate their plans somehow.

Kyo: Uh... hi there... if you guys are still alive...

Cassandra: Huh!!? Hey, old timer! Stop pulling my hair!! We have a visitor!

Xianghua: Hey, it's that Kusanagi guy. Guess I have to kick your asses some other time.

Chun Li: We're gonna finish this some other time. You girls are gonna get yours.

Cassandra: That'll be the day Ryu gains a personality then.

Xianghua: Well, with that out of the way, how can we help you?

Kyo: Right. I'm here on a business meeting with your boss. Is that okay with her? I'm top rated KTV presenter, Kyo Kusanagi speaking with you.

Chun Li: You have any I.D. on you? I don't trust you. Sorry to let you know.

Cassandra: Aww... stop it with the hassles, Chun. You're just mad that this guy spoiled your virginity that you've been saving up for decades now.

Xianghua: HAHAHAHA!! Besides, who needs I.D. when you're a international icon... with money... and a good looking son of a bitch as well?

Chun Li: Wow. I see Kyo's bringing out the groupie in you. What do you think Kilik will say about this?

Xianghua: Kilik... who's he?

Chun Li: Ignore her, she's hopeless. So why would you visit the set of 'Who Wants to Be A Shotoclone' out of all people? And what do you want with Karin Kanzuki?

Kyo: Hey you know how it is... a sort of important meeting for a possible partnership with KTV and Kanzuki Telecasting Corp. It's just a little plot so we all can get bigger pay checks and stuff like that.

While Kyo is trying to talk his way past security, Kung Lao and his sect were talking among themselves. Ryoko watches the scene unfold. B.B. Hood desperately wants to blow off one of the security guard's head off using a sniper rifle. Fuuma is sort of upset because he didn't bring any of his porn magazines. Kurenai was busy combing her hair just in case that she has to use her charms at all. And Lucky Gaubler, Smoke, Noob Saibot and Enigma were playing spades.

Kung Lao: It looks like this operation is definitely off on a good start. Can you actually call those three women top flight security?

Ryoko: I like the Greek chick. She's spunky.

BB Hood: Who gives a shit! I just wanna blow their brains out to kingdom come!

Fuuma: Man, I am bored shitless here! I'm starving, I don't have any of my books with me. (Looks up at Kurenai, whom was checking herself in a compact mirror). Hey Red, come over here and occupy me! I know that you're the chick to do it.

Kurenai: Like hell I will! I rather wake up pissy drunk in bed with Ash Crimson and Astoroth .

Lucky: Hey Kung, while we at it... why not make up a name for our group? I mean... we're a group of hitmen and yet we don't have a name. Why, look at the groups back in Southtown: Southtown Samurais, The Bad Hair Brawlers... The Jailbaits... Mercs R Us...

Noob Saibot: Oh! I know! I know! Can we call ourselves the Shades? That's a kick arse name.

BB Hood: The hell you're talking about, Noob. You ARE a shade.

Kung Lao: I dunno. I always sort of like to call ourselves The Sect. Got kind of a nice ring to it.

Smoke: The Sect!? Isn't that kind of lame boss? We're not a bunch of Orochi follower's you know?

Enigma: Anybody want cheeseburgers? I have tons of stolen McDonalds food in my duffel bag.

Fuuma: Me! Me! I want ten of them! God knows that I'm starving!

Ryoko: Well, that's you then. Most of those burgers are a couple years old. Enigma, you need to chill out with the old McDonalds food. I for one am tired of munching on old Quarter Pounders when I'm hungry.

BB Hood: Got any Fillet-O-Fish?

Enigma: Yep! Come and get em!

Lucky: Hey! I got it! How bout we call ourselves... The Know Unknowns. That's a cool name isn't it? Just like that Three 6 Mafia album.

BB Hood: I like it!

Kung Lao: Hmm. That's catchy as hell.

Noob Saibot: Hey guys, it looks like that poster boy over there is making progress with the guards. The first step is successful.

Chun Li: Okay, let him in girls. And no funny business.

Kyo: Right... There shall not be any juvenile acts committed during the meeting.

But just as Kyo was about to enter the gates of the studio, a gigantic wave of blue energy exploded throughout the studio, alerting everyone... even The Known Unknown. Because they didn't plan on bombing the studio... at least, not yet anyway. The scene is now littered with several bodies of wannabe Shotoclones, both seriously injured or dead. Karin rushes out of office, bitching all her hair getting messed up in the explosion. Xianghua and Cassandra had their weapons drawn and Chun Li immediately suspects Kyo.

Chun Li: You! Boy, you had something to do with this, didn't you?

Kyo: Hey, that bullshit had nothing to do with our plans--err our business meeting.

Chun Li: Ah ha! Busted!!

Karin: Oh my god, this is an emergency!! My hair's all fucked up! Someone call my hairdresser immediately!!

Cassandra: Oh shut the hell up bitch!! You're not good looking!!

Karin: Neither are you, you flunky!

Kyo: Ladies, all bullshit aside, I had nothing to do with this!

Karin: Damn it all!! I'm gonna get the shit sued out of me!!

Kung Lao (rushing in the scene along with Ryoko): Kyo, we gonna have to retreat for now. This incident totally interfered with everything.

Chum Li: I knew it! I'm arresting all of you!

Ryoko: Don't get your panties in a bunch, legs! We've found this note.

Karin: Gimme that! (Snatches the note) It says: "Heed our warnings, descendants of nijutsu, and the so called bad ass samurais, we challenge you the both of you. The Arthur's School of Knights wishes to challenge your might. We understand that you're now intimidated by the legacy of knighthood, however if you decline our challenge we shall continue causing chaos... this time we may attack a academy of significant value. Aya Uteo Ninja Academy, Dojo of Honorable Samurai, journey on the path to your defeat. We shall allow three days for preparations. Because though it's bleak, chivalry has yet to die."

Xianghua: Oh shit! It's an ultimatum!

Karin: (Still reading) P.S. : I've chiseled your gravestones... Rest in pieces!! Sign: Wolfgang Kruaser.

Kung Lao: It looks like there's gonna be serious beef on your dish in the coming days. What are ya going to do, Kyo.?

Kyo: Shit! I gotta warn everyone back at the academy.

Things are now taking an even more interesting turn for everyone. What kind of destruction does the knights have in mind? And what toughies do they have in their ranks anyway? One thing is for certain... the ninjas and the samurais has three days to do what they have to do before the confrontation with the knights, and possibly, with each other.

Note 1: Soul Caliber. An awesome 3D fighting game involving weaponry. It has solid gameplay, but the storyline is going absolutely NOWHERE!

Note 2: Ryoko Izumo: The best thing ever to happen to the World Heroes series, besides Johnny Maximum, of course. In World Heroes 2, she was the strongest character in the game. I think it was a mistake even to this day.

Note 3: Shizuka Kusanagi. Duh, it's Kyo's mother. In the manga (which has yet to see the light of day here in the States and quite possibly Europe) she bakes some mean cookies. Hence the reason why Eiji comes around to snatch up a few of them.

Note 4: Yeah, I know. I need my arse kicked. I've been away for nearly four months. But it's not entirely my fault... I guess. Writer's block, court visits, insecure girlfriend, and strippers... life's definitely weird sometimes.


End file.
